tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post357535563434219758..comments2024-02-26T19:17:44.872-08:00Comments on Living with PTSD and TBI: AshamedUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post-10778453447800936082011-10-26T16:38:43.793-07:002011-10-26T16:38:43.793-07:00I read a few of your posts, and posts from other s...I read a few of your posts, and posts from other sites as well, and the thing that keeps hitting me is how similar the stories are... and somehow, I never knew. All this time. going on five years now, I thought my husband was simply an asshole. <br /><br />It is comforting now, to know that I am not alone in this hell. Thank you for writing.Krissyhttp://www.mybadparenting.com/combat-ptsd-and-our-family/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post-16154661967778258012011-10-23T05:58:53.559-07:002011-10-23T05:58:53.559-07:00It's all we can do, and know that you did your...It's all we can do, and know that you did your best. I learn from my mistakes and his, I hang on to hope and the big man upstairs and his plan for me. I am taking charge on my life and putting myself up front for once and giving myself some attention. On the bedroom stuff, a lot has to play with the meds and libido. If he is still "able" to, try to spice it up a little. I have learned with mine, its has to be an all day prep thing before the main course. Negativity, fussing, anger and such can feed into him. Try to be more positive with him, stroke the ego a little, and do something unusual. I once read on another PTSD spouse page that she occasionally drank orange juice from champagne glasses. lol It's little things like that. Do know that there will be times where effort turns into denial, but it took many tries. Look at your bedroom life now and decide what it is that turns you on. What turns him on? Take a trip to the intimate stores, or rent a movie from the "back room". Some times it works and some times it will end in defeat. I once lit candles, sexy lingerie and much more...do you know what he said to me? "blow those candles out, what are you crazy? You could start a house fire with those". It's hard honey...I know. Just know you aren't alone, although you feel like it. There is no "normal" for us, we just have to take what we have and work with it. I am always here...also on FB if you would like to go there as well. If you are worried about hubbie or anyone else, create a fake account with a different name. Know that if you give your best, that's all that anyone can ask of you Tiff. ((Hugs)) ~USMUncle Sam's Mistresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01179663021921239430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post-7877853469462209642011-10-23T05:58:30.915-07:002011-10-23T05:58:30.915-07:00If you do everything, it gives him no motivation. ...If you do everything, it gives him no motivation. The bills I can understand because well, most of us have been through the excessive spending or forgetfulness to pay something. Anything major though like the school work? He needs to do on his own. I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. I can only give you what has happened to me. It takes time to heal, and in the process of healing...we often get hurt, we are often the targets because we are there. Often we pay with our soul only to get back change in return. There are days where I feel there is no end, and God knows three years ago I thought I lost him forever. There isn't an answer to whether there is a happy end to that road...all you can do is decide to travel it and know that there will be hurdles. Some victories will be so small that most "normal" people would laugh but celebrate it! There will be hurdles that you barely make it over the top, and you fall when you land. You have to decide whether you will lay there or will you get up and dust off your kness and try again. Much of the "push" comes from us, but it has to be positive pushing or they will back away from you. Remember that you are not only fighting to get him back, but the many demons he has on his back. Take one at a time. I to this day, still wonder what our outcome will be. There are some whose ending was just that, an end. I can't promise that all will end with a fairytale ending...but I am trying and he is trying now. I pave the walkway for him and let him go.Uncle Sam's Mistresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01179663021921239430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post-15693146301565968342011-10-23T05:57:54.849-07:002011-10-23T05:57:54.849-07:00Tiff, I know it sounds cliche...but it will get be...Tiff, I know it sounds cliche...but it will get better as time goes by. It's a long process, it really is. I am four years in and we are having some good days and then really really bad days. I went through almost three years of serious lying, from a man who never held secrets. I think that's what I loved so much about him, his honesty. What happened to it I don't know. I think the lying hurts the worse. Opening up to/in counseling may take time. It's probably something you don't want to hear but its true. My husband was going to the Vet Center, now going to a therapist and still is tighter than a clam. With me? It comes and goes. There are times where he is chatty cathy and opens up a little but is guarded still. There are times where he doesn't say a thing to me for hours on end, even days. Try to do things for just you Tiff. If he doesn't do his school work, he will need to face that decision of do I fail or do I pass? That my dear, is NOT part of your "care". Doing everything for him will actually impend his improvement and the motivation to try. He has got to give some.Uncle Sam's Mistresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01179663021921239430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post-7308360506289808352011-10-21T14:37:36.440-07:002011-10-21T14:37:36.440-07:00I love this post. Well I love all of your post. My...I love this post. Well I love all of your post. My marriage was perfect to me before he deployed, he was everything I wanted. Then he comes home with PTSD & TBI and some other medical conditions and I don't know where to go from here. We have been dealing with it since November of 09 and still to this day I feel like I am getting no where. He won't talk to me about how he is feeling and he won't open up in counseling. I hold it all in until I loose it every now and then I make everything is done and all the bills are taken care of, make sure his school work is done plus mine. He doesn't help around the house nor do I get any love or affection, the bedroom is boring nothing happens or it is the same thing. I feel helpless and I get lied to a lot. I don't know where to go from here and I feel like I am at a dead end road.TiffBartonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05008412747096887981noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post-9893489040171060472011-10-20T16:04:38.975-07:002011-10-20T16:04:38.975-07:00I got your comment this morning Anonymous...and it...I got your comment this morning Anonymous...and it has bothered me all day today because I wanted to say the right things to you and have thought about what I could say that made sense. I am saddened to see this, but I do understand. I really REALLY do. I am very glad you brought this up because there are a couple of others who are in the same position. First off, you are NOT a traitor (if you were close I'd smack you upside the head for saying such a thing) or a failure! EVER! I think all of us have been at this point, have gone over the edge and then scrambled to pick up the pieces when we fall. Sometimes we just can't. There are days where I often daydream of my life without him, thought about the lack of stress, what it would be like to have someone normal and have a life. I wonder from time to time why I am still here. You tried, over and over again and as someone once told me, you can't save those who don't want to try in return or try to save themselves. You can't expect to be the martyr and you have to be happy too. I think too many judge us families and its easy to throw stones. I'd like to swap lives with them and let them see how those stones feel. Honey, you have to do what makes you happy. You tried and that's all anyone can ask of you and you held up more than your fair part of the bargain. It can't always be on the spouse to save it all. Don't EVER think you failed him because you didn't. You can be the brightest light pointing the way through the dark, but he has to be the one who takes the help and follow. If he turns the other direction, that is his choice. Even the strongest safety net, after a while, will begin to break. That my dear, has NOTHING to do with you at all. He will have to make his own choices, make his own decisions and then live with them. Do what makes you happy, hold your head up high and know you did your best, and then take the time on your own to heal and do things for yourself to put back the pieces. I think we sacrifice so much, give up so many things and give it all to our Veterans. Somewhere in the process we all lose ourselves and we break. They have got to give something back, and that is one thing you can't make them do. Only he can do do that. You didn't throw the white flag first...he did. He let his wounds take him over and caused the surrender. Don't ever be ashamed for this. If you feel like you did all you could do, you did your best, then walk away knowing that you tried to save him. I am always here if you need a shoulder...take some time for yourself, seriously. Mend your broken heart, spirit and mind and never hang your head low again. ~USMUncle Sam's Mistresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01179663021921239430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084876361608306937.post-24790263903908272202011-10-20T08:14:01.098-07:002011-10-20T08:14:01.098-07:00Well said...and here is something else to add to y...Well said...and here is something else to add to your list of things to feel ashamed about. I am ashamed that I am leaving my husband. Our marriage was already weak and his PTSD, results from the TBI, and prescription drug use from another injury have driven me over the edge. I can't do it anymore. He has pushed me away and I am going. As I told him, you can't push someone to the edge over and over and then be surprised when they fall off. It breaks my heart because I know many of his issues are not his fault, but I also know that I have to save myself at some point, since I have failed to save him. I feel like a traitor to my family and even my country, but who holds their hand to a hot stove and doesn't move it when they get burned? I surrender in defeat. This crap beat me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com