Defending Your Life

The biggest challenges of living with someone who has injuries like PTSD and TBI, is the constant defending of the Veteran's life and that of ours. We sometimes live in silence due to fear of judgment of the outside world, in some cases, Child Services is a fear, and in others; the look of pity and the confusion that crosses people's faces when they don't really get it. Not too long ago, I didn't understand either and I try to be patient with people who show disdain or make judgmental comments albeit hard to bite the tongue. If not for me, deciding for myself and for my family five years ago...I wonder who would have educated me on such subjects? The outside world isn't the only ones we find ourselves in the defensive position. We must defend the injuries to the military branches and hope like hell they don't drop us over a large cliff somewhere, hoping we will just go away and not get back up. The promise of "The VA will take care of you my brother/sister" falls short and here we go right back into a vicious cycle of defense. We must then deal with the VA systems where many are finding they are having to fight for their rights and benefits promised to us and earned. In many cases, like that of Social Security Disability, some of us find ourselves facing hearings although the medical files are a zillion pages long.

We recently found ourselves in that exact position of trying to defend my husband's injuries to an attorney who had no idea what either injury was, or how it impacted his life and that of mine. I don't mind educating someone, advocating on these issues but there comes a time or two I wish that I could just walk in and say "He is a disabled Veteran with these injuries" and someone say "Oh no worries! I know all about this". Even our local American Legion VSO officer who is known for his shark like approaches and wins for Veterans, told my husband he was too young to give up and to get back on the horse and just ride it. "PTSD is just a nice way to say your depressed. Take a pill and deal with it". If only it was that simple......

I sometimes feel like the world just left us behind. I know during deployment that my husband had no other choice but to leave us behind in his mind because of his job. Time stopped for them but for many of us who survived deployment, it kept going slowly. It was always nice to drive down the road and see a fellow "Proud Army Wife" sticker on the back of a car, or a "Support our Troops" bumper sticker. For all those, it made the time worth it because I thought a bumper sticker showed pride, love of our country and respect. When they come home, the clock suddenly speeds up for all of us and we see that we just don't seem to fit in anywhere in time. Those we thought were friends have quietly withdrawn. We ourselves, have withdrawn into this safe haven we call home. After five years of this haven, it starts to feel like a prison. There are days where I drive down the road and I see my house that I fought for so hard to keep, we saved so many years for and represented a new life for us....and it now has an ominous look to it. It feels oppressive, suffocating and safe all at the same time.The bumper stickers we now see are faded from the sun, scratched off from many washes never to be replaced again. I sometimes wonder if that bumper sticker represents their pride still and respect? Or is just as faded, long forgotten and washed away from the sun and the rain?

I like to think of the positives and its probably my biggest downfalls as I am prepped by a past family who ran a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C when all else fails. When it comes down to say, the Social Security prep for the Hearing, and being drilled for five hours of grueling, bombarding questions of why we think my husband is disabled; it makes one think about all the wrongs that is in your life. We live in a certain lifestyle, we manage routines and structures, we try to be the best parents we can be even when one really can't do that. We deal with the obstacles, the ups and downs of emotions, the weariness of fighting all the time with the government and its become almost numbing and we then learn to do it almost by rote now. Mechanical movements almost with absolutely no show of emotions. To have an attorney not take the time to respect, show some sensitivity as she was portraying the Judge and how he will ask; was to say the least a little disheartening. I left that afternoon with a raging Veteran and a screaming three year old and cried all the way home. I have been put in certain positions and Lord knows had my share of stupid comments stemming from just ignorance, but never before did I feel like we don't belong anymore than I did that day. I felt horrible we had to put my husband through that, I felt ashamed and almost embarrassed for the attorney and most of all? I was angry.

It dawned on me that we just sat through five hours of defending our lives, to someone we are paying to defend us. It's difficult to pick apart your day, and to really look deep at what our Veterans do and can't do. To pick apart every little detail of what the spouse/family/caregiver does and then try to all of a sudden deal with the realization and try to defend it. It was five years all over again suddenly in front of the woman who is to defend my husband's rights and entitlements to Social Security Disability. Of course, I know much of this is a formality due to age. It's common knowledge that Social Security would rather pay out for an elderly person who might have ten to fifteen years left of their life span, than that of a wounded thirty something Veteran who will outlive the elderly person times three or more. Having to explain and defend our life just suddenly felt wrong, and we were both very vulnerable in front of her. I guess most of it is because we were one of those families that didn't get dropped off the cliff but thrown off. We fell in a crevice so deep it took us two years to get out. To be fair, the attorney didn't know our history. Didn't know the first thing about us except for our names and partial health history. It was just the fact we still to this day after five years, still keep defending ourselves.

To add all of this on top of the Medical Board, you then find you are defending yourself and your Veteran with the rest of the family. You find you are trying to explain to your children, then must deal with all the immediate family, in-laws, outlaws and the rest of the gang. Sometimes its tiring to hear how someone has a bad back, but Lord have mercy and "bless their heart" they are disabled and just can't expect to work. Someone else has cancer, or a bad car wreck...its the same "bless yer heart" and "what else can be expected of them?". With this though....its harder. Most of what I hear is "leave him". "Cut your losses and run". "I just don't know how you deal with it". Even with our Southern Appalachian twang, I hardly ever get a "bless yer heart". I still to this day wonder why that is? I find that I now stay away from having to explain it all over again to say, a non-profit organization. I know they don't know me, I don't know them and its just not worth the breath trying to get someone else to understand. The most that anyone has understood our lifestyle is those that live with it. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time finding those "others" close by although I can feel them nearby.  This leads me to some anger because I wonder why they can't step up, allow me to have someone nearby who is raising their hand with me. It's not that I am afraid of pioneering my way through a backwoods moo-cow town area, but God sometimes I wish I could just find someone.

Anger seems to fester quite a bit with me these days. Most of the time, I can walk away and try to focus on something else but it still is there. One thing happens and before I know it, I am angry about the last damn five years. I am hoping since I am receiving counseling, that is one of those things that I can work on as its just not me at all. I love to laugh, love to smile, love to talk and most of these I rarely do unless its with the right people. My defenses have been built so high I often wonder if I ever will be able to let them down? Or will they permanently stay up and how much will I miss if I keep myself closed off. Some of the comments made I can always deal with, shrugging them off with just raising my chin a tad bit higher. Some of them hurt to the core and those are a little harder to shake but I do it none the less. Explaining I can do, but with as much news and media is out there in regards to PTSD and TBI (minus all the negative crap) you would think people would pay attention. However, I have found that most people know more about the Kardashians or the infamous "Octomom". Why is it our society can worry so much about who wore what to the Oscar's, or what the latest gadget but yet, do not know that 1 Veteran in every 80 seconds commits suicide?

I think my frustration comes from having to try so hard to defend my husband and the reasons why I stay with him. Not from explaining his issues and not be ashamed of them, but feeling like I MUST defend us because there isn't anyone else there to speak out for us. Yet, "Octomom" seems to get front page Yahoo, and is one of the most "clickable" likes on Google these days. Some days I wonder if it will ever end, even after we leave the military and we finally get settled with Social Security and the VA. Or will we always be destined to defend ourselves to others and more importantly....trying to explain to ourselves that this is just the way it is and there's nothing we can do, than what we have already done. That is to keep going and survive.

Survival 101 Completed and Passed,  

Forgiving Doesn't Mean Forgetting

I've sat here at my computer much of yesterday and today debating how I could blog about anything. Can't really say things are much better, can't lie and hide my feelings by posting about a recent rant or a new resource I discovered. I simply just can't write but write it ALL out. How do I get my true feelings out without being looked upon as a bad wife? How do I prevent myself from feeling guilty? Would I look like the worst parent in the world? Would I become the worst caregiver to my husband? Then I thought of how would I suffer in silence without saying a word or screaming at the top of my lungs. I don't think I can do that. My heart can't stand the pain anymore. My heart is too heavy and overflowing. I thought the words would easily flow but yet, here I still sit........

(one hour later)

I once read a stupid self-help therapy book that said if you say to yourself, mentally or out loud, or to the person you needed to say it to; that the simple words "I forgive you" would easily take away the pain, bitterness, regrets, hatred, and pent up feelings that fester in a wound that just won't heal. So last weekend, while my husband seemed a little on the irrational side, and I was at my breaking point with "You might be poisoning my night time meds in order to kill me"; I looked at him squarely in the eye and told him "I forgive you".  I forgave him for taking away my life. I forgave him for making our family miserable. I forgave him for all the hurtful words, the verbal assaults he gave me, the drinking, the cheating, the lying and most of all....I forgave him for disappointing and letting me down. I forgave him for robbing any happiness that may come to our family. I forgave him for hating himself so much, that he can't even allow people to love and help him.

As soon as I said it, he looked confused and taken back. He couldn't reply to any of what I said. He just looked at me with his empty, soulless eyes, and said "ok?". I simply woke up that Saturday morning and decided I wasn't going to fight anymore. I am not going to worry about how he is destroying himself. I will not yell, scream or get into a useless, never ending argument that always leaves me walking away with tears soaking my face and my head hung low. I don't know what made me wake up and have a self discovery, but for once, I just got so tired of walking on the edge and so very very weary of battling this on my own. He isn't even trying at all. I realized for the first time on our Wedding Anniversary, that my husband just didn't care enough to fight for us at all.

I felt free. I felt overwhelmingly empty of all of it. I took a deep  breathe and actually felt the release. I made myself a promise that I would never look back again. I felt like I had finally had peace. I was thinking to myself while smiling, that hey, maybe that self-help quack really knows what the hell he is talking about. I firmly believed in what I told my husband. I meant what I said, and I truly just let it all go. There would be no more go-to Rolodex of wrong doings in my memories, tucked away for future battles leaving me unarmed for any war that the PTSD beast could bring upon me. I threw down the white flag saying I let him win. If he wants to fight, I will take the kids and go. I will not engage in an argument, I will not tolerate name calling on his part, or blaming me for something I had nothing to do with. I accepted what was done is done, and there is no going back. All those nights and days wasted, can't be changed nor can they be made up. I told him he would have to find another goat to lay all his troubles on.

I thought I was free.

I laughed this week. Shared conversations with my good friend Brannan at Family of a Vet, who always just knows how it is and has the soothing voice and knowledge to make me realize I am not to blame. She doesn't have the answers either, just like me. In her own world, she has so much on her but never fails to tell me to call anytime no matter what. She is someone I love dearly, respect in the highest manner and damn, am I so proud of her. Her cup, plate and bowls are completely running over and yet, here she is telling me its ok. I have to say, that if I didn't have that woman in my corner, wiping my brow after a boxing match...I am not sure what I would do. I thought yesterday after talking with her, that its been going on six years since I stumbled upon her site when it was the only one out there for PTSD and TBI. I sat and made plans to try and promote her site by volunteering at a few events, hoping to give myself some purpose. To help her to help others while repaying in my own way all the cheering she did from the stands, and giving us wives the courage to keep going. I decided just because my husband hated the world and wanted to punish himself, didn't mean that my children and I had to do the same.

The one thing that bothered me after a four hour talk with him, was that never once did he say "I forgive you". I have never lied to my husband, never let him down, spent or snuck a dime of his money without asking for it or discussing it, never cheated, never been where I wasn't supposed to be. I have always been there for him so I have the most to be upset about. All I can think of now, is that he is angry at me over one burned, twelve year old damned meatloaf, an argument three years ago that he was so nasty and terrifying that I told him we needed to separate, and everything else? All in his head with a combination of his irrational thinking, his paranoia and things he watches on television. Day before yesterday? It was because of cauliflower in a pot of homemade vegetable soup. For years, made the same way, maybe some different vegetables. For whatever reason, this set him off. I will never eat cauliflower again. This morning, I may decide not to even cook for a while.

Since my last blog, it has been somewhat tolerable, albeit up and downs in mood with him. I ignored the downs, blocking out my ears with music which I think irritated him because I didn't let him upset me. I reminded him once more, that as of last weekend...that was it for me. White flag thrown remember? One minute he is laughing, kidding around with the children, cracking jokes even at my expense, and just chit chatty. Another minute, he is obsessed with his smart phone, a fishing rod, the latest news about something in a foreign country and other weird things. When he is in a good mood...I really just want to waller in it like a pig in slop. I want to be happy, overjoyed in the mud of normalcy and laughter because God knows I crave it so much. Yet the past few months have been extremely difficult for us and the good moods? They give me the creeps. They worry me. Why I don't know...I just can't seem to enjoy any of it. I want to so badly, but I can't help that uneasiness creeping up my brain and wondering what the hell has he done now? I end up angry because before I know it, here comes the bad and dammit...I should have enjoyed the moment. They come so few and far between these days. There is no safe place to make me happy anywhere. I think in fairness to myself though, its because its easier to set up defenses than it is to relax and get hurt. I hate that I have become so suspicious and can't enjoy the "few and far betweens". In all fairness though, if it weren't for all of his past behaviors and the damage he caused and still causes...what else am I supposed to believe?

We as family members spend so much time giving it all up to take care of our Veterans. When they speak about the National Debt, the costs of the war, the costs of lives given, no one ever mentions this part of it. Wonder if somewhere on the latest report do they average in how many families are falling apart. Is the cost of therapy for our spouses, family members and children on there somewhere? Do they average out a 3 year old's next 15 years of possible issues? Probably not. Our Veterans don't care or acknowledge how much we give up or how hard we work. They don't care as long as they can keep everyone just as miserable as they are. It can be something so small, or something really important to us and they just rip it away taking it all.

We learn day to day to cope with what we are handed, not knowing from one minute to the next, what the next hour will bring. We learn to minimize our feelings to the point that they are numb and we no longer can feel happiness, joy or to be honest with you....really give a shit anymore. We play the game daily, carefully choosing our pawns to wager against that of our opponent. Sometimes we deal with a strategic move, thinking it through and carefully choosing where to move. The next? We simply close our eyes, take a breath and hope like hell it works while we make our move. We give up what we love, what makes us happy to prevent an argument. We silence our selves so it doesn't upset them because that leads to an argument. It's easier to give up than to deal with so much crap because we fight to hang on to those things. We dance to the symphony of the moods, not understanding where one foot leads to the next, and before you know it.....we are left clumsy, stumbling and leading our partner and family without direction.  After the song has ended, you see his hand slip from yours easily like sand falling through your hands.

I have no direction anymore. I can no longer dance the dance because dammit, the music ended a long time ago. I wonder every day, why am I chosen for all the blame? I used to make myself stronger, believing that the old part of him trusted me and the PTSD beast knows its ok to take it out all on me. Now my armor is wearing thin. My heart is broken in pieces and scattered from the hurtful words he attacked me with. My forgiveness I gave, suddenly all came rushing back and I realized...I don't believe forgiving will always mean forgetting. It amazes me he can throw up in my face ONE burned meatloaf twelve years ago when we first got together, but can't remember other daily tasks. I thought I could forgive and make my mind believe I had forgotten. It's hard when you have someone throwing up tiny, non-monumental, normal screw ups by someone who has done nothing but screw up and doesn't care how it hurts. I really want to say "Hi Kettle, this is pot calling". I thought and hoped I could make myself believe that it didn't hurt every day.

So how does one truly forgive and forget? I don't know if there is a true answer or a correct one. I keep trying. God knows I do. The asinine thing in all of this rambling? I do love him. He still makes my knees go weak. I still see from time to time, my old husband. I thought if I held on tight and didn't let him go, he would eventually be able to stand on his own again.  I wish I could make him turn around and look at me like he did once upon a time. I still every day, keep asking "what have I done that was so wrong?" and trying to debate my moves the past five years.

We are now going in our sixth year of him being home, and he is just getting worse. I've grown weary of it all and still after my mini revelation of forgiveness, I can't forget. I wish I could...I really do. How do you do that when someone is constantly reminding you of their wrong doings? Second chances turn to 30 more, never looking back turns to always watching over your shoulder, being alone is terrifying because you are scared to break down, and loving someone you can't figure out, loves you or not...all will just about drive you insane. I bet that is not on the bottom line of the governments war debt or even on the list of "Maybe we will give a shit later".

I'm not giving up. I have fought too long and come too far, a bulk of it on my own. I just feel like I am torn and confused. I don't know what to do anymore, hold no more aces in my back pocket, and most of all....scared that this will be the rest of my life.

I Still Forgave,

More than Just a Turkey Spared

As the holiday season rapidly approaches us, I have seen an influx of emails in regards to Thanksgiving horror stories from the past and horrendous expectations for future ones. I have to admit, some of these really made me laugh out loud with you! I appreciate the humor you passed along with such bad stories! The one question remains evident in those emails is "How do you survive it all?". To be completely honest with you....beats the hell out of me! I thought hard about that question while many of you wondered from both sides of the house, how to survive family, high expectations, and immediate family disappointment. I always used to laugh because my mother would always drink eggnog before family came and of course, have several more afterward. As I became an adult, I figured out that the eggnog was spiked with her favorite liquor and that's probably how she made it through it.  I guess a part of me has become remote from the holiday season, as if everything is done mechanically but not much heart into it, if that makes any sense at all. Sometimes I feel like I have become separated and doing things on habit, but not much spirit in me. Much of this is from past holiday horrors ourselves, and of course, our family's encounter with the Bottom Falling Out in January.

For the first time in four years, our family and myself was spared like the yearly Presidential pardoned turkey. I didn't have to cook this year which was nice for me since I haven't been feeling up to par. I have to say this was the first time in 29 years, that I haven't had to cook, wash dishes, worry my self senseless over good china being broken, a husband who is flipping out and of course....not having to make excuses, apologies or hang my head because he was so horrible. I like to think it was probably the latest addition of Xanex to my husband's medication repertoire that pardoned our family from the "Holiday Horrors", but he was pretty mellow before that too. We spent Thanksgiving Eve with our Project Healing Water friends who invited us to dinner, which was really awesome. It was nice to be around some great Veterans, listening to their versions of the VA, military stories and the laughter that erupted from the living room while us wives were getting supper ready. I enjoyed it most of all because I actually was socializing which is something I rarely get to do. In all, we had six kids running around loose which caused me to envision the Apocalypse coming, with only the baked ham and turkey surviving in that fallout, but to my surprise....all of the Veterans did rather well secluded together in the safety zone of the living room. Perhaps its because we all felt a common bond and as if we belonged together. It's odd that close friends have long come and gone, and somewhere along the line, we have lost our ability to feel normalcy with people we know that doesn't have a clue. However, put a bunch of veterans and families together, and it's like we have been friends all along.

On official Turkey Day, my mother in law had to work which was ok with us because we were wore out from the night before. So Thanksgiving dinner being prepared by her, was postponed until Saturday so we could ensure that my husband wasn't totally over doing it. Since both our friend's dinner and my mother in law's were out of state, it made back to back drives kind of hard on all of us. My husband hasn't been sleeping too well as of late and I was worried that the eye twitch he was developing would become the next scene from the Exorcist. In all, my mother in law was more than understanding and it made sense to us to space it out to spare him the stress and preventing us from becoming future alcoholics. Although he handled the dinner with our friends, he was tired on the way home and of course, our little ones were exhausted and fussing the whole ride home. We decided to do a Thanksgiving stand in, occupying nothing but the couch, watching Christmas movies, eating a big pot of homemade beef soup and fresh sour dough bread. It was nice to not have to get dressed up, not have to deal with a ton of people and constantly watching my husband for signs of the oncoming stress.

Black Friday brought on some of our Veteran friends considering and some braving the crowds for a few holiday items. All I can say, is God Bless them. My husband looking over a few sales ads actually considered and asked me if I would like to go. Amongst his sudden proclamation, came sudden visions of Black Friday crowds, women running wild in their pajamas grabbing and snatching, my husband suddenly erupting, security or the police called and of course, whether my slim bank account could produce bail money! After some serious moments of silence, we both decided that yeah...sending a severe PTSD Veteran into Walmart or Best Buy on Thanksgiving Night or on Black Friday was not a good idea. So far in the news, we have seen people being pepper sprayed, shot at, and black eyes all while clutching their beloved items they saved five, ten, or a hundred dollars on. I didn't want to be the first family on the six o'clock news with the headline of "Combat PTSD Veteran runs rabid through a local Walmart" and permanently adding to the already piling stigma our Veterans are having to face.

Overall, it wasn't a bad holiday. I have had a nasty cold I have been trying to soothe and with the three kids home from school for a total of five very looooong days, about made us all want to pull our hair out. Sitting in, watching movies has been something we haven't done in a long time so was totally worth not having to get out and do the normal Thanksgiving turkey thing. So down to the nitty gritty of "How do you survive it all?". While we laugh and joke about alcohol, Xanex, Valium and whatever else helps you through it all....we have to be honest and be serious. Anytime you have company, family or friends over...it's going to be stressful. The spouse is stressed because she is probably doing the majority of the cleaning, the cooking and reigning in any children that are running around on a holiday high. Such demands can lead to one cranky spouse and that really does run over on our Veterans. In my experience, the less stressed I am, the less my husband feeds off of it.

Having dinner with a small group, not having too heavy of expectations on my husband and not worrying about trying to explain his if any, bad behavior, made for less stressful holidays. Doing the pot luck type dinner with other Veterans turned out to be the best Thanksgiving dinner we have had post war. Now I know from having family in the past, this isn't going to work for many because of the standard family demands of "You have to be here, it's expected". However, there are many things that have changed with our PTSD and/or TBI Veterans and that includes such large gatherings. Some can handle it with minor issues and some just can't do it at all. I find that after four years, I just stopped setting him up for failures and setting myself up for the scape goat and running around cleaning up the mess. We keep it simple, we keep it structured and other than doing a few things around the house for me.....I let him unwind before we go anywhere. While I love the holidays and socialization, keep it sparingly and keep it to a minimum.

From the Veterans side of the house, many stated the same thing over and over again such as this statement from a Veteran reader in TX, "My family doesn't understand and I feel like I have to be the way I used to be and I can't. If I don't smile, my mother freaks out. My aunts or uncles are all wanting to know what happened overseas. I feel bombarded, cornered and violated and if they aren't asking questions, they are staring at me and whispering about the son they used to have but is now crazy. If I don't have a lot to say or get nervous, everyone is angry with me. I go home to my wife yelling and screaming at me because I wasn't nice or demanding to know why can't I be the way I was before I went over? I don't know why. I wish I could be and want so bad to be. I just can't be that way. It's not like I set out to be that way or intentionally want to hurt them. I just try to be quiet and make it through all the madness." I really like when you guys write in because like this statement, I think this puts a lot of things into perspective for us spouses, family members who are seeking information or not understanding what's going on. It is more so important for those of us whose Veterans aren't really telling us how they feel.

I know a few years ago when all this was new, I was the one yelling and screaming at my husband on the way home all while in tears. He would just sit there and look straight ahead. I never stopped to consider what he felt or what he was going through. Thank you TX for bringing this point to light. 

A few good links I have come across that are useful such as this one on Spousebuzz, PTSD and Holiday Season Triggers. Always interesting, and some I have participated in, is Family of a Vet's Blog Talk Radio which has different opinions, options and discussions. Often, I learn more from these types of informational resources than I ever could in a book or pamphlet. There is a blog session Handling PTSD During the Holidays and there are two parts. The second discussion can be found here. Another article I recently stumbled upon was on About.com, Coping with the Effect of PTSD and Family Holidays.

We are trying to keep our Christmas season this year small, quiet and to a minimal on family. I am not over doing it on spending money mostly because we don't have it, not going to over do it on family mostly because we don't have very many left, and just try to enjoy the holidays day by day. I am making sure his input is in everything we do from the tree, down to the presents for our children, but other than that...hoping to do things one at a time and not get my husband overwhelmed or myself for that matter! If we can make it through Christmas like we did Thanksgiving, I will be be then be able to breathe again. Try to make sure that your Veteran doesn't have a lot on his plate at one time, encourage but not place too heavy of demands on them, and if family gets too pushy...sometimes you just got to push back and say NO. It's not about the presents, or the decorations...its about love, family and the joy of a new year with a clean slate.

I for one, am ready to get to the New Year as this girl has some much needed projects in the works that I want to get started! For Caregivers, make sure that the stress isn't completely all on your shoulders. If someone offers to help or pitch in, allow them to do so! Ask a friend to watch the kids to allow you to go do some shopping and stop and have a hot chocolate all to yourself. If you belong to a church, or an organization...ask for help with the decorating. I know many have written to say all they had to do was just ask and many pitched in. For some of us, I know that will not always be an option.

Hoping the Christmas holiday season will start with some ease and no stress here but am preparing cautiously for it like I normally do. Seriously considering writing a letter to Santa for just one really good Christmas without any tears. I wonder if they do those sort of requests at the North Pole?

Reconsidering Mama's Eggnog,

.