Tuesday, August 10, 2010

So Very Tired

It's been a little bit since my last post.....In the last two weeks, I think everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong! My husband got placed on orders to go to Michigan, and I had our unit's annual Family Day to contend with in which it was completely NUTS last week trying to get ready for! Among my picking up 500 hot dogs, hot dog buns and a 1000 drinks, my youngest son had a severe asthma attack. Dragging him back to the doctor, it was discovered this was brought on by his simple runny nose two days before hand. His oxygen level was so low he was falling asleep, so back in the hospital we go. Due to his age of two, we had to place him in an oxygen tent and with the humidity and water from the O2, he developed severe pneumonia in his right lung.

A few days later, I am glad to report that he is home now but on O2, many liquid medications, steroids and breathing treatments. I probably could have used my husband's help but once on orders, it was too hard to get the Army to reverse them so he could stay with me here. I made it through alive, but my husband's attitude was quite hurtful throughout the whole process. Now he is all about his boys, and would gladly lay down in front of an oncoming train to save anyone of our children....but the PTSD beast inside of him left me with a bad taste in my mouth this whole time.

My other children have never had any problems at all with asthma or any type of allergies. My husband maintains that since I got pregnant right upon his return home from Iraq, that the elements he breathed in over there and many top secret numbered shots have contributed to such problems with my little boy. Now before, I always just wrote it off as him being paranoid and a little silly for blaming himself. The last time we had to hospitalize my son for the same issues, the pediatrician told my husband he could not rule out anything that he brought home from Iraq. This time, my husband was carefully questioned on his shots and things that he could have brought home which did not help his paranoia at all. Matter a fact, this led my husband to believe that he had something he came home with and has passed it on to our son. This in turn is eating my husband up with guilt and his attitude towards me, shameful.

Already stressed to the max about missing my strategically planned Family Day, my son's health and trying to balance out my other two children who started back to school....I did not need his bitchiness and attitude towards me in regards to our son. I felt like I was under attack the first night in the hospital and my husband was pointing the gun! I understood that he was stressed out like I was, but he blamed me for getting pregnant and this was one of those "See I told you so" scenarios. He left over the weekend for his training trip, and although I miss him.....was very glad to see him hit the road.

I needed to be comforted this time because I was really really tired. I was physically wore out, but also emotionally drained. I felt like his snide comments and constant comments about what went on overseas, just added more and more pressure on me. It may very well be that he carried something home and it may just be the luck of the draw with our son. He has severe food allergies and outdoor allergies, so any number of things could have triggered this. I truly don't believe that anything he had breathed over there, could have given this to my son.

It's been a long week and now I am sick myself with some kind of God awful head cold. More than likely due to my sitting in a hospital bed for four days under the oxygen tent with my son. Now my husband who has somewhat calmed down a little, is too busy to ask me how I am doing and fussing about the fact the roads are so bad in Detroit. I do wish he would cut me some slack sometimes and not pull the whole "you shouldn't have gotten pregnant" card when things are so rough. It's times like these I need help, comfort and the knowledge that he is there for me and my kids. It's like I am sending out an SOS and he is passing right by it blind folded. I know he can't help it, but a part of me really resents him for it. I know this is normal for me to feel this way, but I really do feel guilty for my anger towards him right now.

What I would not give for a vacation. Just a couple of days by myself with plenty of rest, relaxation, and perhaps a massage. I am so stressed out that I am getting forgetful, grumpy with the world, and my outlook isn't very positive right now. I am not normally like this but it's just been piling up slightly. My husband who had been very helpful, understanding, and loving suddenly pulled that 360 I was afraid of and now being someone I can't deal with. I could not help but think over the last few days that I am indeed a single parent, and dealing with all this alone. I love my husband, but it was just so bad at the hospital I made him go home. Stress can bring out the ugliness in him, but it was truly the wrong place and wrong time. I am so very tired and I think past the point of exhaustion from the lack of sleep, and just the stress. I wish I could have a whole day to get some rest and not do anything at all!  I will try to post some more in the next couple of days, but am trying to get things in order at home, my kids and a little bit of rest............

Hurt by the 360,

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