Shunned and Shamed

 When I stop to read many articles that come out about Caregivers/Spouses of Veterans, and or things that are stated like "what is the cost of the war"...no one really mentions much about the social aspect we lose like the dynamics of friendship, work relationships, and external family members. I think this is an important topic that is often overlooked and one that is vital to most of us. We live our lives normally, have our regular jobs where we earn our own money, doing things with friends and family pre-war and it feels like as if we belong in society. Post war changes everything. I have always been sociable, holding a fantastic position in a job and we just lived life the best that we were able to. When my husband came home, it seemed like the roller coaster of life became a fast moving freight train on the slow track. It never did go in one particular direction, so we never were able to get our bearings or an even ground to stand on. We live day by day, and although it seemed like things just stopped...these past four years went by in a blur.

This past weekend was one of those beautiful days that all of us look forward to and ones that are few and far between for us. When it happens, you want to wallow in it and bask yourself in the moment. You want to find yourself rolling around in the laughter, feeling yourself smile because your Veteran smiles; you want to literally bathe in the "good days". When they are gone, you smile at the memory but the heartache starts to creep back in as the reminder sets in that we aren't as normal as we used to be. The word normal really doesn't even belong in our vocabulary anymore. During those good days, you don't want anything at all to go wrong or someone to ruin it. We have become so starved for those small glimpses of life mostly because that's what keeps us going on the bad days and is literally the glue that keeps us from falling to pieces. 

My husband wanted to get out for a little while, so with Gunny, our service animal in tow, and the kids taken care of, I got to spend a whole day out with my husband. I was so excited because "getting out" doesn't happen very often, let alone with my husband in an overly fantastic mood. He was looking for a particular magazine, so it was decided that we would hit a few book stores and a few others to pick up costumes for our younger children. I wasn't feeling too great, but I bit back the pain and thought to myself "come hell or high water, you are going to go and enjoy it" because I didn't want to miss out on this precious gift. We had a great day that was filled with conversation, laughter and smiles. There were some people we encountered that obviously have never been around a working service dog, and some people who made a point to stare and loudly discuss what could be wrong with my husband (I gathered they thought he was deaf) but we ignored it and kept right on going. 

We enjoyed getting out of the house and just feeling semi-normal again. Due to extremely crowded situations on Sundays in most restaurants, we both decided that we would wait til later and have a late lunch, early supper. So after a few rounds of rock, paper and scissors....our favorite Mexican restaurant was where we ended up. Halfway through our lunch, a rather large group of my husband's past co-workers came in. He looked over and saw them, and I looked and said "hey there is so and so and the rest of the gang". He immediately withdrew. Almost like we were standing outside and the sunshine disappeared because a large cloud covered it. He was a beautiful flower that I literally saw shrivel up and die. I watched "him", the small and rare glimpse of my old husband, simply vanish in front of me. I became so angry that I thought I could feel my blood boiling. I tried to start conversations, but I never could get him to look up from his plate. I was so disappointed, hurt and infuriated that these people made my husband withdraw. I was angry because no one should ever make a soldier or Veteran hang his head in shame.

As we quickly finished up, we got our check and headed out. I stopped to say hello because I felt like we spent a lot of time with these people and well, it was the polite thing to do since we were forced to pass by them. Ten years of employment, ten years of being "family" and helping each other out. Many times my husband took holiday time, or swapped shifts to help another family out or to give a new daddy time with his child. We gave money to those who are in need when we didn't have it, we attended funerals, and even helped some of them move entire homes out of good will. Even through the hell we were enduring on our own, I bravely volunteered to walk miles searching through debris of devastation from tornadoes, seeking anything we could salvage for our "friends". When we walked their direction, you could have heard a pin drop at the large table they were sitting out. Everyone sitting, looked other directions or picked up their glasses and drank while keeping their eyes on the others...anywhere but looking at us. When I said hello, no one answered. No one could even look at us at all in the face. No one said anything......

 My husband simply just walked towards the door with his head down, and while I was paying our check...I bit back the tears all while choking on rage. I bit back four years of sadness, disgust, fears and lost friendships. It was like being in high school cafeteria and everyone suddenly not speaking to you because of some rumor. Although the past four years we have been alone and slowly losing touch with the outside world, it didn't hit me like it did that day how many have shut their doors on us. It was as if we had suddenly become the bad guys. They acted as if we had some contagious disease like leprosy, and then the sadness hit me with full force. How much we lost and how alone we were. You could see some of them were just waiting until we left, to say something about us. When we walked out, I grabbed my husband's hand and said "Don't worry about it". I held my head high although I really wanted to hang as low as he did. However, I am not going to let my husband go through this alone and he knows that. So he gripped my hand back in mutual understanding and we left. I turned around to see them all laughing and talking. I tried my best not to let it bother me, but God it did. I don't know who it hurt worse, my husband or me.  I think I felt hurt for both of us because he said "I am used to it". 

I  know much of this is happening to many of us and that being shunned from others happens on many levels and it happens to many of our Veteran's families and to Veterans themselves. We are already struggling through misconceptions, bad medical treatment or none at all, then coupling that with stigmas, labels and the media making a field day of those who use their disorders to excuse serious crimes. It becomes very tiresome to fight all of that on top of the already piling issues within the family and our Veterans. It can be from co-workers, close friends, acquaintances, and yes....even family members. I think the family issues hit harder than co-workers or friends. I know how it feels to have family not understand, not willing to educate themselves, and reinforce you with negativity and then judgment. I try to do the Christian thing and forgive, try to not judge myself, be willing to still stand when I felt my knees buckling. I often wondered if its just from ignorance, fear or just not having the experience. I know my husband has changed, they know he has changed...but I damn sure didn't need a reminder. It doesn't matter anyway because I thought friendship was for good and the bad times. I didn't realize it came with a clause or a closed door policy written for "just in case" times. 

Negativity is not what I need to focus on right now, and I don't want to waste my time or effort to keep friends that were probably never friends to begin with. However, it tears you apart and leaves a mark on you. No matter how much you say you shouldn't be ashamed, you still can't help but feel that way. We have been turned away from friends, our unit, co-workers, some family but it never ceases to amaze me when they need something...how everyone wants to be friends once more. I feel those who want to talk about us behind our backs when we leave the room, for those who want to call my husband a lunatic, crazy, looney or sick in the head, just don't know. I know there is a huge difference in ignorance and stupidity, but with many we just won't ever be able to change any of their thinking. 

 

My oldest son asked me later that Sunday evening, what was wrong with dad. I explained what had happened at the restaurant and he said "We are reading the Scarlet Letter in English, and now I know how she must have felt. Maybe instead of wearing a scarlet A, we should have PTSD and TBI embroidered on our shirts. Not much difference". I chewed on what he said all evening for a long time. I wondered looking back, whether standing up and forcing those in our areas to recognize issues such as these in returning Veterans, was a positive thing or negative. Did I make the right decisions by starting this blog? Did I make the right decision for my family to say "We are not ashamed. We are here. We bleed like you do and yes, we hurt the same way". Either way, the road was set...and it's a long hard road to walk alone. In all though, I don't think I made the wrong choices and maybe I am supposed to be here. I CAN hold my head up high because you know what? I did it on my own without anyone's help. I didn't depend on anyone else or asked anything more that I couldn't and haven't given to others. I made it the past four years and I am still standing. My spirit aches, my mind is in pieces, but I am still standing dammit. I am learning to find my own way, on my own conditions and am a better person for it. 

I wonder if those people that shunned and shamed us will ever be able to really say that to themselves and it be the truth?