Playing Catch Up

Where did the first part of the year go? Seems like I have been away forever....for that, I apologize. We have had a lot to deal with here and well, I just couldn't and didn't want to write. The blogging always gave me strength, encouragement and a safe place to say what was on my mind. Why I mentally shoved this away when I desperately needed it the most, is beyond me. It's been a little stressful here. Well ok, I admit....a LOT of stress going on. Husband isn't doing too good although I am trying as hard as I can to hold it all together. Seems like since New Year's rolled around, he has done nothing but intentionally start things like arguments, getting into trouble, and just being mean and nasty. The PTSD beast has not only arisen but seeming to be a house guest that is staying and we all hate.

A lot was supposed to happen during this month and I will try to play catch up with you all. For many of you, you all know its been hard to get to the point to ask for medical board. When we finally got the records in, papers filled out etc etc....we thought we, meaning I, could sit back and take a breathe. Instead, they have called and said now I must report with him in three months for seven to ten days for evaluation. I am struggling here this week because so much has been going on, now I must worry about my three children for that time period. The Lt Col that called us was rude, condescending about my husband's problems, and sincerely acted like a Miss Know it All when it came to my life and our life as a family. I was given the spiel of "well put an ad in the paper to bring someone in for those days and pay them well". Ok, I get her point on not having friends or family but do we really need to bring a stranger in our home and hope like hell they don't rob us blind, abuse my kids, or just do whatever? She acted like I should have forced my husband into making friends, bringing them over, and sponsoring play dates with other families so I would have someone to fall back on to when I needed them.

First off, my husband doesn't even like our only friend here or even his mother in the home. He considers it invasive as if they were complete strangers. His paranoia has increased over the past few months and he freaks out when we have to do the mandatory home checks required by the VA caregiver program. All I could do was to listen to this woman who knew it all, and tears fell silently. I guess it was a strong reminder of how lonely I really am here. A reminder that our friends just turned their backs on us here. God, what I wouldn't give to be able to get out and have friends. No one understands us and damn sure, wouldn't leave their kids here. My husband barely tolerates our children let alone someone else bringing theirs in. Hearing her voice in my ear telling me how I should be living my life just seemed so far away. I stood outside listening to her go on an on and all I could do was cry. If she only knew how hard it was........

On top of all this, we got the letter we anticipated stating that the VA requests a reevaluation for C&P which terrifies me to be honest with you. We knew his 100% was temporary, but we have always had such bad luck I can't help but wonder what we will do if they drop his percentage. I don't and can't think of a reason why they would but you always hear the horror stories. This as of now, is our main source of income and our only way to survive. If they drop it or reduce it, that is the end of us. Sounds melodramatic but its the truth. We can pay our bills, but can't purchase medications, pay co-payments on doctors bills nor could we buy groceries. If we had to cut things, it would be television, cell phones etc, and possibly repossession of our vehicle. Major items like having a cell phone is vital for us since we have to talk to so many people like our recovery coordinators so this worries me. I know we could appeal and honestly, I know I shouldn't worry but hell, you never know. This is our whole life as a family in one piece of paper and a stranger who doesn't know what all is going on. I don't even know if they will listen to me for a minute and let them know he thinks all these crazy things. Hell, I don't even know if that doctor will listen to him! It's on Thursday and I am scared. I don't have a back up plan and no safety net. More than anything, I feel like if something happens....its going to be blamed on me like everything else has.

Since the letters and the calls, my husband has been on a see saw of emotions and taking it out on me.

Last week I had the first of my surgeries and he stayed with me through the surgery. Once out of recovery, he left. Although I told him to go on home and didn't want the family to stay any longer than they had to...I guess the romantic heart of mine wanted him to say "I will be here for as long as you need me". I was scared. One of the infamous Mistress's weakness is hospitals, needles and any pain. Yes, I am a wuss. Not sure where it stems from, but anytime they put you to sleep it does somewhat cross your mind all the what if's and the pain, well I just have this fear. I only had to stay overnight so no big deal but I never got a call from my husband, no text message, no calls to the nurse on the floor to check on me. I have to say my mind says I shouldn't have expected all this but my heart still couldn't help but wish.

After a rotten night's sleep, my husband and family came and picked me up. He was so nasty to me rearing that ugly PTSD monster so badly that the RN discharging me was concerned about letting me go. I don't know if my husband just got scared, or it was too much stress on him having his mom there for him and my kids or just if he needed to vent. I don't know what happened to me that day, but readers, a part of me just shattered. I won't go into detailed surgery talk, but I had my breasts operated on due to blockages, a mass, and possible cancer. Rather than chance losing them both, I opted to have them operate which took me from a busty size down to a small B cup ensuring all the bad tissue and vein blockage would be gone. Being the boob man my husband is, he yelled and screamed at me. He was so bad, all I could do was sob hysterically. It was bad enough I had a doctor that should be someone's grandfather and didn't believe in pain medication, so therefore I had to suffer through the enormous pain and shock of the whole ordeal. The doctor said women were too weak and many centuries they used no pain meds, take some tylenol. I would seriously love to have his penis removed, sliced open, parts taken off, then reattached and let's see how he feels.

So for two weeks I am not supposed to move, drive, move around and just rest. I had the weekend with my mother in law and after that, my husband wouldn't help me at all. I know he is not capable, I know my mind is fully in the understanding that he just isn't "there" but damn...I so wanted to be taken care of and just well....helped and be taken care of like I have done for him. Since last week, its been fighting, arguing, accusations that come out of left field, paranoia kicking in to bring up things that don't exist and just heartbreak. I couldn't even have time to sleep a little. He let me down and for the first time....I wondered if this pod person loves me at all or is he just completely gone all together?

I kept thinking to myself while I sat there and watched him frothing at the mouth screaming and yelling, why should I care so much about someone who hates me so badly? No matter how much I do...no matter how much I fight...I realized then for the first time......he will never try half as much as I do. I felt the scream building inside, and I felt like I was kicked in the gut. The mental pain overshadowed the physical and I just felt like giving up. I didn't understand why he was so angry with me when it was nothing I had done. Why I deserved to be treated so poorly when all I have done is tackle the world and done everything but rope the moon for him. He couldn't even say I'm sorry.


I am trying so hard and just once...I want to not worry about things. At this point, still no Social Security, we have no Veterans Service help and I have no clue what I am doing. It feels the world is sitting on me right now and its not helping when he looks to me for all the answers. I just wonder though, is how long will he continuously blame me for all that goes wrong or how long I will be blamed for things he thinks in his head and not responsible for? I thought I had become numb enough not to care anymore but its apparently not numb enough yet.

So we will wait and see what happens this week. All I can do is pray, hope and ask God to give me a little bit of break. I do wish though, that people that work on the other side and are nasty...could just have a little bit of sympathy, empathy anything. They should be so lucky they can have normal lives. They should be thankful they are blessed that they are not weary and worried. Somehow though, I think no one really cares. Most of all, I really wish people who don't know me, would stop telling me I am not trying because God knows I haven't given up for five years and all I do is bust my ass researching, writing, phone calls and finding reasons every day for my husband that gives him reasons to keep going. I wish they could have 24 hours of my life and see how hard it is for families like us to struggle to keep finding ways to "try".

I will try to catch up on emails and such...I am way behind and for that I am sorry. Thank you to all who sent messages and well wishes in my absence. I am indebted to you all for making me feel like I counted and my absence was noticed. Trying to keep my chin up here and will write more I promise.

No Rest for the Weary,