VA Caregiver Program

Many of you have written in to ask about the New Caregiver Program for post 9-11 disabled veterans who require care full time or assistance with daily living. There are some who haven't either heard about it, have some misconceptions, ideas, and yes, even a few think it's a little scary. It's a VA program so yes, I was worried too, I'll admit. I am hoping to write this out to answer some questions, provide some information on it for those who need it and clear the path of the unsure for others. Our process believe it or not, honestly wasn't bad at all. Y'all know I will shoot straight from the hip and tell you how it is!

When it first started, I didn't know anymore than just rumors that it was being put into place and getting set up. Our Federal Recovery Coordinator told me about it and being the upbeat and dear person she is, encouraged me to contact them. I called on several occasions when it had just started. When I mean just started, I mean like they had just turned the 1-800 number on and the people answering were just as baffled as I was. There was some confusion right at the beginning and to be honest with you....I really kind of checked it off my list of things that the VA had to offer. I had the same idea that many of you have of "Oh God, here we go again. Just another promise, but no follow through"! After the third call that left me filled with more questions that what I had to begin with, I figured that this wasn't for our situation. A month later, my dear friend Brannan at Family of a vet encouraged me again as well as our coordinators assigned to us. The requirements for the program were a bit confusing, parts still being adjusted and tweeked; leaving still quite a few of us out that didn't really fall in the guidelines.

As the time went by, the Caregiver Program was often brought up to me and I explained the reason the 1-800 number told me I didn't qualify. As many of you know that follow all the time, my husband is still considered in service although not able to serve. He hasn't served since December of last year with January's "bottom falling out" sealing the deal. Now with us, we have asked about the Med Board process for three years so we were kind of stuck in the middle of nowhere land up until this year. One of the requirements for the Caregiver Program is a medical discharge date or estimated date. I didn't have that, so I couldn't even fill out the application online.

After speaking to the OIF/OEF director, the best solution for us was to simply call and ask the Caregiver Program Coordinator/Director herself. We had otherwise fit the bill for requirements so to speak, and she felt like we really needed to pursue this. This proved to be the best way to get not only the information, but the correct information and believe it or not, I haven't had one single complaint at all about this program so far except that it leaves out many others like our Gulf War and Vietnam families. Now for those of you who are wondering like this question that came in "What the hell is the VA Caregiver Program?"

The Caregiver program, (the fancier name as it was created, the Caregivers and Veterans Omnibus Health Services Act) was created and signed in as a program that was ready for applications starting May 9th of this year. It is designed to help provide respite care, counseling, training, insurance for spouses (more on this here in a second) and a monthly stipend for those (person who is considered primary care giver to the veteran) who care for wounded veterans that require assistance in daily activities. This program is very monumental and one that was fought and pushed for by many. Currently, this program is only for those suffering from severe physical and psychological wounds that were sustained in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars that requires them to need assistance. I don't honestly know if the respite care coverage is the same for all, but for us it was 30 days per year I can use should I need it. If you do not have insurance for health coverage, you can qualify as a caregiver for Champ VA. This does not mean you can stop using your health coverage if you have it. Only if you don't have one in place and need insurance. The monthly stipend is based on the level of care, how many hours is determined by the tier that you fell in and the pay based on that particular tier.

Once the application was filled out, I mailed it in and it took about two weeks before it came back to our Coordinator. I was rather impressed with our Coordinator here. She stayed in constant touch with us through the whole process, let me know when she got our application after it was processed and kept us in the loop on the next steps. Those next steps included having a physician, registered nurse or mental health doctor filling out the portion that states the Veteran needs assistance for daily living. We really don't see much of our PCM so was worried, but my husband's psychiatrist knew of our situation, how bad he was and filled it out for us. Before I knew it, we were pre-approved and on our way to expecting the online training from Easter Seals who created the online and workbook training program.

Now to answer many of the questions of who qualifies, its for those who need assistance for daily living and can be for those with mental disabilities such as PTSD and TBI, for those with physical disabilities OR a combination of both. Just remember, this is for those who must have help in order to get through the daily chores of just living. I had some questions that went along the lines of using this to quit their jobs and stay home, although their Veterans were working still full time and needed no care. This program isn't for that. If your Veteran is able to tend to himself, is working and needs no help, this program isn't for you to be able to quit your job and stay home. Not trying to be rude or nasty, just being bluntly honest and let you know you will be turned down. Now there are some who are in Vocational Rehab, needing assistance at home etc in which you might be able to qualify for. Just because some of them work, there are many out there who need assistance at work, at home and basically everywhere. I can't answer who is and who isn't, you just have to contact your VA's Coordinator and ask. It's as simple as that.

Many spouses are not applying because they are unsure if they qualify. Much of the time, we don't stop to look at how much we assist our veterans in daily living. Stop and look at how much you do, and how much they do on their own. You will be asked a series of questions, so this is a prime opportunity to be honest. Familyofvet.com has a fantastic breakdown of the whole process and the answers to some questions on the Caregiver program. This is a great web source for those who are confused, unsure, scared or wondering how the process works. Once you apply, they receive your application...your start date begins the day they get that application. So for us, I filled out the application and it was received three days later on August 19th. My first check will be on November 1st, which includes back payment from the August date.

The only issue I had was I chose to do my training online rather than doing the workbook. I find it easier to get out of bed early in the wee hours and completed it with just a couple of hours. It doesn't take that long, but do try to pay attention and not guess on the answers. In our case, the Coordinator Director did our home visit with the nurse and asked me some of the questions on the training. So just don't breeze through it and not really know the answers because it might just come back and catch you. The problem I had with the training provided was there was only one small section that had anything to do with those of us who are dealing with the more severe Post Traumatic Stress and TBI Veterans. A bulk of it is medicine related, infections, bed sores, home safety etc. While I found that it was rather easy to navigate, easy to complete and was probably very useful for those with physical wounds...it kind of left us Caregivers who are full time that are dealing with the psychological wounds of war out. I think I was looking for a bit more in this training such as preparing a safety plan, what to do when they become belligerent and nasty, what to do if they are in a severe flashback. However, I have to look at it this way. Each of our Veterans are different, so even if there had been a solution, that solution might not work for all of us.

So out of all the questions, the dreaded Home Visit seems to be scaring many of you. I have to tell you, this weighed on my mind heavily. Will I be judged? Will my home be clean enough? Do I have everything spic and span? What will they say about the toys in the floor of my child's bedroom? The list and fear kept building up. Let me tell you, I cleaned as if there was no tomorrow. If you came into my home and ran a cotton swab across my floor the only thing you would have found was cleaning products! I organized, I scrubbed, I moved things, I scoured to the point I barely made it through the home visit because I was so sore. I threatened my children with boot camp if they dropped food or drinks on my newly scrubbed and polished kitchen floor, and threatened if they dumped toys all over the place! I had medications nicely organized, laid out in particular fashion and made sure my food pantry and cabinets were those of someone who had severe obsessive compulsive disorder. Readers, I cleaned things with toothbrushes and in places that a normal human being wouldn't even look at, but let's be honest with ourselves. This is the VA we are talking about. We have been raked over the coals so badly, I was so afraid that one little place would cause me to fail our home inspection. It was silly, I knew I was overreacting but still couldn't help feel we were being placed under a microscope. I know that our VA probably doesn't like me that much, and that's ok. I just didn't want them to come into my home and say "Lord, not only is she a pain in the ass but her house is dirty too!"

They didn't even look at any of it. Not anything. They came straight in, made a comment my house smelled really nice, introduced themselves to my husband and sat down in the living room. That was it. There were some questions after they took my husband's blood pressure and weight, like "Do you have smoke alarms and are they working?, A safety plan for emergencies and fire evacuation?" etc. I was so disappointed! Now my house is usually clean and neat, but sometimes slightly cluttered especially since we have been working on paperwork and records for the Med Board. They would ask me a question, and I was willing them mentally to PLEASE go check. I think one of them asked me where the bedroom was located and I said its down the hall and to the right, you want to go see? Hahaha! After all was said and done, they left. We both kind of sighed a sigh of relief, but was like "Is that is?". All that worry, all that cleaning, and all that time spent worrying about the what ifs was pointless. Yet, my house was clean and things had been done that needed to be done for a while now so it was just a good excuse.

I think the purpose of the Home Visit is just to ensure that the home is safe, is a clean environment, has the required safety items like railings on stairs, handles in the bathrooms etc which are all very important. If you need those things, they will help you get those in place. Also, they want to make sure that the Veteran is well taken care of and you aren't abusing, mistreating or letting them live in squalor. Now to speak for our Veterans, these visits can be a little challenging. My husband doesn't really like people he doesn't know in our home. He was very nervous, pissed off, and if looks could kill? They would have had to bury these people twice. His paranoia was evident that day and he was extremely agitated they were here. The other downside of this program, is they will come back every three months to check in. That is mostly just to be sure there aren't any changes, things that are needed, and of course to be sure that the Caregiver is still taking care of them and they don't have them duct taped to some wall down in the basement. (That's a joke people). The thing that bothered my husband the most is that he didn't know these people, the nurse that was required to be here will be a different one every three months. I have to admit....I really didn't like that either. I think for all of us Caregivers, that can be a little nerve wracking because you will see someone different each time and you don't know who they are. For Veterans suffering paranoia on high levels, this can be a bit challenging.

Overall though, I promise you it's not that bad. Most of us who have applied will tell you the same thing. Some have bad stories, some are good. I think it just depends on who is the Caregiver Coordinator and fortunately for us, we seem to have a pretty good one who cares and seems to take her job seriously. It's worth all the paperwork, the wait, the training and the home visits. The issue we are facing right now, is not many people are applying. This is a good program with a lot of beneficial things involved, and if we don't get people to apply....I am afraid the government will come back and say "well, obviously there isn't a need for this and we should cut the program or funding". We don't want that! If you care for your veteran, no matter who you are....I encourage all of you to apply. For those of us Reserve and National Guard programs, and have a DD-214....see if they will accept that as your discharge date because they can use that as these are totally different entities than that of Active Duty components, if their injuries happened during active duty time served.

Check out Familyofavet.com , there is great information and links for you to look at. Another one is listed here. I have been there and done that with the VA, trust me. I know its scary, I know they can be one of our biggest obstacles when it comes to our Veterans, but I think they might have just gotten this one right. I feel I did better with dealing directly with our Caregiver Coordinator than wasting my time with the 1-800 number but you might find it differently. The National Caregiver Support Line at 1-855-260-3274. You can find the application here and more information. Stop a few minutes and look over it. Talk with your VA Caregiver Coordinator (ask through the operator or your OIF/OEF clinic) and just see if its something that can help you. I think out of all of it, I know that I can call our Coordinator and just talk. If I need counseling, I feel I can get it. Although I know I contribute to our home, work my butt off seven days a week, I feel that with the stipend I am financially contributing and that makes me feel good. For those that say well, I might only be on the lower tier...well, my thoughts are that is one level up from nothing, which is where you are right now.

Hope this helps relieve some of the worries, the stress and confusion about the program. The worst thing that can happen is you apply and they say no, so you haven't lost anything by just making the call. It took a lot of pushing, work and lobbying for this program to go into place. Let's thank those who made this possible by applying for it and utilizing it. Hopefully, in the next couple of years this program will be available to our Gulf War Veteran families as I know they are working on it.

As Always,

For the Love of a Vet: Most Asked Question To The Mistress

With life being so insane right now with Coordinators, advisers ( I may have more now than Obama has and still don't know what the hell I am doing), MED/PEB board, service dog, paperwork and school starting up....it's been difficult to answer and get caught up to all the emails. Since I had a battery of medical testing yesterday and under orders to rest, I thought I would take the time today to answer the most asked question that many of you have sent in:

How Do You Deal/Cope With A Veteran With PTSD, TBI, Issues?

Honestly, this is a question that is one that plagues us spouses on a daily basis and one that there really isn't a specific answer for. I have read the books, I have researched, and everything I have come across has different answers because like your question to me, I have asked that question to others. You could cram a room full of experts, therapists, and psychiatrists and still not get a single, mutually agreed upon and understandable answer. Now does all that researching, reading, exploring and asking make me some type of educated "know it all" on these issues? Absolutely not! Never claimed to be, never will be and to be honest with you readers...I am still to this day asking, exploring, educating and wondering myself how I deal with all of it! 

So after reading 58 emails this morning with this very question that eludes us all, I thought I could pass on what I have learned, what has worked for me, and what hasn't. May not be the answer you want, but it's all I have because every Veteran is different. Each of us has different stories, and will have different outcomes. In that same sentence, every spouse is different. What is common among us all is that we all have problems and varying degrees of issues/wounds but, as individuals, our thresholds are different. So what works for me, may not work at all for any of you.

1. Education: I know I brow beat all of you on this but in many emails I have received, the spouse admits that they don't know much about any of their husband's issues or diagnosis.  Almost everyone has a computer these days, and access to the internet. If not, there are libraries. Research. So what do you do with this knowledge? You will be surprised, but it changes the situation and you will learn how to best handle the counter-attack with your veteran. Education on these subjects will be your best coping tool that you will find. Why? Because you can't do anything but shy away from the unknown and you find yourself swimming in unfamiliar territory. First thing we do as humans is panic, defend and retaliate. This is NOT going to help you in any manner with your veteran. Once I learned as much as I could, I understood my Veteran better. You have to understand that many times, the Veterans don't even understand what is happening to them, let alone try to get their family members to understand. Once armed with knowledge, you can find ways to adapt to this new person who you are living with and that comes all on your own. Each of us will interpret this information and react differently. It's up to you though to know what you are dealing with.

2. Understanding the Veteran is NOT your old husband: At first, this whole mood swinging, yelling-screaming, foul-mouthed, foaming at the mouth stranger that came home to me, scared the hell out of me. After I educated myself, I understood the different processes they go through. How did I cope with this? I looked at my husband as many different individuals and named them. You will see me refer off and on in my blog posts about "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde" in which is his sudden in-a-good-mood man and then BAM! Pissed off and cussing man. You will see me refer to the "PTSD Beast" which is the monster side of PTSD when it rears its really ugly head and the talons and fangs come out. There is "Mr. Downer" for when he is depressed and flat lined, "Asshole" for the times where he is well, being an asshole. "Mr. Danger" for when his adrenaline seeking methods turn into stupid, self-absorbed and crazy ass antics he pulls. "Eugene" which is in reference to a donkey we met on a Wounded Warrior Wive's retreat in which I use to envision my husband when he starts hee-hawing and going off. My "Pod Person" that came home, isn't my husband. However, sometimes...some days, I see small glimpses of him and that right there is worth all the other personalities I must live with. Each mood and each day can be challenging, but try to find humor in it. Learn each mood, each personality and find what best fits YOU as the spouse when dealing with it. When the "PTSD Beast" rears its head, try one thing and if that doesn't work....keep trying until you get it right. You will eventually learn something that does work and most of that will be through trial and error. When "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde" shows up, I simply find other things to do or get out of the house. It's easier to walk away than be an unintended target for their anger.

3. Knowing that most of what is directed AT you doesn't mean it's FOR you: I had a hard time with this and often times, I still find that I get my feelings hurt when he yells and screams at me for something else. Over the last couple of years, I have learned to tune out most of it and try not to wear my heart on my sleeves. Easier said than done is probably what you are thinking. Understanding their wounds will help you accomplish this but will also allow you to see that they can't help but lash out. If you are there....you are/will be the target. I once had a therapist tell me that although they may seem like they are foaming at the mouth and ranting at you for nothing that you did or had control over, take that time to listen as they are often letting you inside without you realizing it. Everything is cooped up in that small organ called the brain and they don't know how to reach out or tell you that this made them angry, sad etc. Much of the time, they are scared. That made a lot of sense what she told me that because once I learned, I found that my husband in all his yelling was actually his way of opening up and letting me inside. Showing what they are feeling and how to express it in the appropriate manner is one of the biggest challenges because what we know as "normal" isn't in our worlds anymore. In this, you must learn to stand up straight, move the feelings aside, listen, and let them get it out. I usually find that once he is done, he is actually easier to deal with than letting it bottle up and explode. 

4. Being a part of their lives: Often we find when our veterans come home, we are suddenly living together but not really "together". I struggled with this as the relationship changes and it's very hard to find a place where each of us can mutually come together. As I learned, educated and asked questions...I found that my husband was actually more open to me because I was trying. Rather than fighting and yelling back, I tried to rely back on what I learned as my focal point to stand on even ground with him which helped tremendously. Again, learned through mistakes and trying again. By attending the appointments with my husband, showed him that I was still by his side and interested enough to learn to adapt to his disabilities. Learning to recognize their triggers is one of the biggest things. If you know that crowded places piss them off or if being in a particular situation stresses them out, then don't push it on them or force them to be in those situations. Finding resources that you CAN do together is a great way to help adapt into this new life. I found that by paying attention, learning what sets him off, learning what he can do actually helps him communicate with me a little more and we find a common ground we can stand on. If you aren't showing them that you care enough to go that extra mile to understand, they won't move an inch because in their minds....you aren't trying at all. It's very easy for you to be seen as the enemy and every little thing you do will be viewed in their mind's in huge blown out proportions. Often times, they are merely pushing your buttons, so you will be angry and that in turn punishes them. It's really a vicious circle and it's up to you to put a blocker in that circle.

5. Understanding they will never be the same person: This is one I find I still have trouble with and to this day, often my heart misses my old husband terribly. I recently was reviewing VA medical records in which he reported that he thought I was leaving and taking away his children, that I was poisoning his food, and that I was picking on him for no reason. It really hurt to read all of that because I couldn't understand WHY he would think such things of me! I know in the educated part of my brain that is part of the paranoia that comes with PTSD and that in his mind, he probably really does believe this. In the feelings part of the brain, it hurt like hell. Much of the time everything is about him or the world revolves around him, and often times we as the spouses lose that helping hand/companion that we had before war. He doesn't seem to care when the kids and I are sick, or if something happens in the family. He has just become numb and flat-lined. I just talked about this to a dear friend of mine the other night who quickly reminded me that in their minds, they just aren't capable of such things anymore. I guess what helps keep me going is seeing small glimpses of what he used to be. Occasionally, an acknowledgment or a simple I love you makes it worthwhile.

6. Knowing when to take care of yourself: Coping with our Veterans can literally suck the life out of you like a blood thirsty leech. Compassion and patience can go right out the window if you don't cling to it somehow someway. I have been really bad about NOT paying attention to myself and letting my husband control much of how my life is run. I decided that I didn't want to be just a "caregiver" anymore with PTSD and TBI ruling every little thing I do in my life, hence the blogging. This is my way to still have a part of me, but document our life and struggles in hopes that it helps others. I realized I was having some health issues and after a good hearty scare, realized I haven't been taking care of myself like I should have. I am still learning in this department because I am a giver and not a taker, but in living with such issues...you still have to have a life. Surround yourself with other spouses like yourself. You may think you are alone as many of you have written in to tell me and trust me, I hear you! I have small children and cows surrounding me and no one in the area who "gets it". However, with technology today, you can find other support groups online and although weird as it may sound....my friends live inside my computer. Hahaha! There are many support groups online such as the Wounded Warrior Wives through Operation Homefront who have chat forums. It's nice because not only are you seeing that you aren't alone, but can find answers, open up to other resources and the list goes on. There are retreats and resources out there, you just have to take the time to find them. I am trying to find myself more time for me, and just for me alone. If in all of this, I think this is one of my biggest challenges is to let go and give myself some attention. 

7. Setting and Knowing Your Own Limits: Out of all of this...this is the most important one and one that often leads to the question of how to deal. I have been through it all, and second chances have been given because I understood and was educated. Love will often blind you and also give in to second chances. However, I will NOT let my husband use me as a physical or verbal punching bag. I will NEVER allow him to hurt my children or someone else. I will NOT allow him to do everything he wants to do, disabled or not, and not face the consequences of his actions. I set guidelines and know my limits and most importantly his. Once those gets crossed, its best to walk away for each of us. I try to promote understanding of PTSD and TBI but at the same time, you can only take so much. So for those of you who write to me asking whether you should stay or not? I can't honestly give you that answer because I can't. I don't know what your situation is, I don't know how bad it is, or what you have been through. It would be crazy for me to even attempt to try to come up with some lame ass comment to your question. Best I can offer is this. You do what you need to do. If you aren't happy, and you have tried...sometimes you just have to walk away. It is ok to love someone and just not be able to be around them or hell, even like them. You know your own limits and what you can deal with and adapt to, and that's for all of us. You have to make the decision on your own and follow through with it. The Veteran must understand that there are limits to their behavior and often times, we all know that behavior can easily become volatile and dangerous. Don't stay because you might look like a bad wife, or "not supportive" as one person stated. If you have done everything you can, and things don't improve...do what makes you happy and most importantly, protects you and the children. 

So in closing this long winded "non-answer" to the most asked question that has been given to me, realize that I am just a spouse like you are. I am living with the same person, the same issues, and problems like you are. It's been a long path for us and one with many physical and emotional challenges, but you aren't ever alone. I think what keeps me going is just stupid, blind, adoring love for a man who went to war and never came home. There are parts of my "pod person" that I have grown to love and accustomed to, but I still grieve for things long gone. There will be many many bad days, and few good ones. I take one day at a time, prepare for the worst,expect a disaster and hang on to the smallest of hopes. I know that sounds depressing but I am sure many will agree that is all you can do. You learn from each day, and learn from the challenges. Take that wisdom and put it to good use. There isn't a manual, or a "break glass in case of emergency" box with all the solutions that many of you seek. It just simply isn't there. For the love I have for my husband, I would cross the ends of the world for but know in my mind....that he simply would not for me because he is no longer capable of doing so. However, I hang on to the tiniest glimmer when I see a part of his old self, and the hopes that I can find more of them that keeps me going. I hold on to hope period and as we go through each day, I discover more strength and wisdom about myself and other spouses than I ever had before. Learn to let go of the past, which is extremely hard....and move on from this point forward. There is no going back. I am a firm believer of the "if one door closes, another shall open" phrase we often hear as we have discovered that. 

I hope this helps someone. Again, maybe not, but its the best answer I have for these types of questions. It's one of the hardest ones to be asked because you have to stop and wonder "how the hell am I dealing with it?". It's not something you can explain, or teach...it comes through hard work, patience, and the belief that love and hope still exist. I stand my ground, I stand firm and I fight. I wake up, I let go of yesterday and deal with tomorrow when it comes. For each of you who wrote in, thank you for sharing with me and I wish I could have a "Here is what you do" words of wisdom for you. I wish there were such things. Just know you aren't alone, there are others exactly like you, and we are all facing problems just in different degrees. Just open up your mind, find your own strength and you will be amazed at what you can overcome.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. 

~Lao Tzu

Secondary PTSD and Me

I once read an anonymous saying that stated "Everyone's crazy...just some more than others". I used to laugh at that statement especially in college where my Psychology professor told us that everyone had symptoms of OCD  hardwired in them. Thinking back, I can say I do have a slight problem with counting things or keeping things in a particular place. I have watched others with odd quirks of their own, and even my own mother who obsessively counted objects on a curio cabinet. There is only room for one crazy person in this household and so far my husband is reigning number one. I do have to admit though, I have changed so much in the last three years I barely recognize myself anymore. Am I on the path of becoming second runner up in the race of being nuts?

When you are seeking information regarding PTSD you usually come across the term of "Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome" or "Compassion Fatigue". I have read on Family of a Vet, (a site in which I haunt quite frequently) about this subject and the author/owner of the site has a special way of describing things on an every day person's level. Another words, it's simple, to the point, and in no way must you have a Harvard degree or be a psychologist to understand any of it. If you are a caregiver or spouse for your veteran with combat PTSD, definitely check out her site along with her description of Secondary Post Traumatic Syndrome. Now I didn't go out to seek out my mental problems nor did I think in anyway I am going nuts...but I admit that I have had some problems here as of late.

My last doctor visit my blood pressure was really high...enough to be put on medicine for it. Tension/migraine headaches can sometimes be debilitating to the point where now I have a special med that is a kick ass Tylenol mixed with Zanax for nerves. Let's add in the anxiety pill that I take as needed, and the medication for depression which is really for my Rheumatoid Arthritis (I promise I am not 80!) and helps combat the battle of the blues in the process. So the two or three bottles of meds have now increased to 11 and I was forced to get a pink old lady pill box daily reminder for myself all before my 35th birthday which is quickly approaching! It's quite depressing really because I still feel young, still feel somewhat sane, and embarrassed I should have to admit to anyone I am taking so many pills. My doctor made a comment that I could be suffering from Secondary PTSD so I have been looking at it a little closer now that she has brought it up.

So in case you haven't looked yet at Family of a Vet's explanation of SPTSD because you are reading this blog, here is an excerpt that I found on another site, counseling.suite101.com.

Anyone who gives care to a traumatized person is susceptible to STSD, including children and spouses of active duty military personnel. It seems to be more likely to occur among people who have experienced prior traumatic events themselves. People who have other types of mental illness may also be at risk. However, social isolation or a lack of inner resources, such as a strong spirituality, can cause anyone involved in the care of a traumatized person to be debilitated by STSD.

Symptoms of Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder

People with STSD may experience the same symptoms as the traumatized person. These symptoms include depression with suicidal thoughts and feelings, as well as feelings of loneliness and betrayal. This condition may also lead to substance abuse. Many people with STSD will have difficulty carrying out regular tasks at work and home. In some cases, their ability to cope will be severely impaired.
Family members of traumatized persons will often develop hyper-vigilance. Since they are impacted by the traumatized person’s emotional crises, they become sensitive to small mood changes or other risks to stability. Eventually they may find it difficult to relax and feel as if they are “walking on eggshells.” This may also make sleep difficult.

Read more at Suite101: Secondary Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Defining, Preventing and Treating Compassion Fatigue http://counseling.suite101.com/article.cfm/secondary_posttraumatic_stress_disorder#ixzz0sNrOpj62

Ok...no suicidal thoughts here and I don't recall a traumatic event in my entire lifetime except my first marriage which was a nightmare. Mentally, I have always felt I was a stable, sensible, albeit somewhat moody person. However, in the past three years I have resorted to crying jags, sleepless nights where I can't clear my mind or when I do sleep....have horrific nightmares which include my husband in them. I do know I can't relax and can't remember the last time I have. I feel as if every move I make is going to set my husband off or worried that the kids will do something or be loud, therefore I am going to get my ass reamed for no reason. I seem to be the gutter for everyone's problems and no one in my family really seems to care that they put so much on me....I do sometimes get overloaded. I have noticed that my patience has gone down to zilch and the big heart in me has somewhat shriveled up. I don't have things to look forward to anymore, I don't have any friends let alone any who know what the hell I go through, and it seems like I am in isolation but not because of me. It's because the fate of PTSD has cursed us and taken away what little friends we did have.

I did take Family of A Vet's idea to "get involved" so I did. This has helped not only keep me busy, but gives me something to do as well as make some difference for others. The only issue is that the part time work I gave the FRG has now led me to take on leader position, the Disabled American Veteran's Ladies Auxiliary
has given me tasks I must complete, and THEN I make candles in the process which is somewhat therapeutic but has gotten so large that it gives me a heavy stress load. I then blog on three sites which helps me and is really the only thing here lately I have thoroughly enjoyed doing as it releases so much stress and weight off my chest. I find that any chance I get, I talk about PTSD and TBI just so others are educated and try to help other spouses with resources. Occasionally though my husband yells at me to slow down, and so does my doctor, but what they don't realize is all of this....is my only escape from home. Granted most of it is done from my home, my computer and phone...but it gives me something else to focus on besides just the PTSD. It's nice to be around people that don't yell, scream, and cuss at you. Perhaps its just being around normal people for a while that is nice. I didn't realize until this past year how starved I am for a little attention, and even more.....appreciation.

I am getting really forgetful. I don't know if its my RA kicking in, the stress at home, the kids, the crazy vet (ok before I get bashed, that's what he calls himself), or just simply my brain is getting too overloaded because of all of it. If I write it down, then I must remember where I put it. If my ass wasn't attached, I would have lost it a long time ago. I did upgrade to a desk calendar which has helped me tremendously. Household chores are simply becoming overwhelming. Mainly because time flies here and it seems like yesterday I just did 20 loads of laundry and put it all away....when in reality it was last week. Five in a family means a lot of laundry especially with two potty training. I do think sometimes though my laundry is secretly breeding downstairs in the washer. My sister swears they are like Gremlins with disregard of them getting wet and feeding them after midnight. To clean the house or do laundry, even cooking supper has become monstrously hard for me to deal with. I maintain a clean house and never has my family gone without a home cooked meal, but if I had my druthers, I could easily put up a "Mom/Wife on Strike" and be content with it. I am simply emotionally and physically tired.

I do feel lonely...extremely so. I once told the marriage counselor we see that although my husband is here, we are so far apart that he might as well not be here. Betrayed? Hell yeah I feel betrayed! I feel I got the shaft by everyone and that's not limited to the government, the VA it's including family members like my mother in law who's ignorance and lack of consideration, plays not one part nor helps with my husband. It's "Oh well honey". I feel betrayed by the best friends who no longer talk to us and well....I am just all around pissed off most of the time! At everyone, everything and anything. Most of the time I wake up angry and don't even know why! This is what saddens me the most. Because my kids are going to grow up with a father who isn't there mentally and a mother who is slowly becoming one big angry ball rolling from one day to the next!

The VA doesn't offer individual counseling, the Vet Center only offers counseling for both the soldier and the spouse, and most therapists around here either a, don't take our insurance or b. Don't have a clue as to what the hell Combat PTSD is let alone work with you on it. I was quite surprised to learn that some in this area don't have a clue, and send you somewhere else. Well, what the hell did they learn in college then? I guess I would rather them be honest and tell me upfront that they only know what's in the Diagnostic book than try to fumble and not really help at all. Marriage counseling is ok, but tends to focus on the Vet and his problems more so than the spouses in our case. I don't feel I can get enough out or even that the therapist is really listening to  me.

I guess my biggest concern is whether I am suffering Secondary PTSD after three years of dealing with my husband? Where does one go to get help with that when resources are so limited and will it get worse as the years progress? No local wives to talk to who understand, no time really between three kids for just me, and no resources military wise for counseling....support group at our local VA is not an option as I have been there and done that. I hope that I don't get worse, as I really don't wish to think myself as slowing losing it and becoming my worst nightmare, being like my husband........

Everyone's Crazy Including Me,

Uncle Sam's Mistress