Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Good Days Or Bad

So yesterday was a good day. No. It was actually a great day! On his way home from work he called and wanted to know if I ate any lunch. I hadn't by then so he brought us home pizza and we watched a little tv together. After being up all night with a toddler who had a tummy bug, I was really dragging. So we both went and piled up for an afternoon nap and just snuggled while the little ones were down for theirs. We recently purchased a house and still some things to tinker with which he tackled with gusto. No throwing things, no yelling or cussing, and we joked back and forth like we used to do all the time. We finished up a movie with popcorn and a little conversation. I went to bed later that evening thinking about the day and how unstressed I was and, was like a normal relationship. So why the hell was I so leery of it? I feel so guilty at times because it's those days that make me either paranoid or waiting just positively sure that something will go wrong to ruin it. How else am I supposed to react though? When you have more bad days than good, there really isn't a right way to react to normalcy.

The hardest part is knowing its days like these that make me want them more. Kind of like dangling a large bag of delicious chocolates in front of a person who is dieting. I mean, one piece sure isn't gonna be all that bad for your diet...but it doesn't mean you would not want the whole bag right? My good days are like that bag of candy calling my name and one good day just makes me want them more even though I am probably not going to get them. Sometimes I wish there were no good days at all and I would not feel so let down when the bad days return. I try really hard to be appreciative so don't get me wrong but, it's still just an awful tease that pulls out the old heart strings and plays me. Some days I think it's just easier to let them all be bad days so at least I know how to be prepared or know they are coming.
I know he is going to have his days, we all do. I know I do especially with two little ones running me to death and a pre-teen with the "look" and the huffing noise he gives me all the time. I don't want him to be perfect or in a good mood all the time, but man I would love to have at least three days of the week where I am not stressed about him or trying to tiptoe around him like he is some kind of time bomb. He asked me earlier today after returning some movies if I had rented him The Hurt Locker. If you haven't seen it, it's a military movie and based on a bomb technician in Iraq. Now I have never liked any type of military movies as they always make me mad, make me cry and well it's mostly the crying part. I know he has already seen it and feels it's good enough that I should watch it. So my dilemma is, should I watch it to please him? Or watch it and act like I am enthused about watching soldiers get blown up? It kind of hits home those movies and, I also notice that he tends to get moodier when he watches these types of movies hence the reason I neglect to bring them home. I have to look at it in this type of do I or don't I category. I mean I fuss because we don't get to do much together, so a part of me feels like I am the one who is turning down what little quality time we do have. However, in the same thinking I have to look at whether I am going to be up all night with him tossing and turning or talking in his sleep. Or is he going to be in a foul mood afterwards and short with me?
Guess I am full of questions huh? Maybe I think too much. There are days when I wish I could shut my mind off for about three hours but have yet to find that off/on switch. One thing always leads to another thought and before I know it my head is pretty full. I read in some articles about PTSD that some families can actually mirror the PTSD sufferer's symptoms. Although it is not medically diagnosed, it happens frequently and man, I can probably vouch for it. I jump at loud noises but not for the same reason he does of course....mine is simply "Oh ^%$&! He is gonna yell". I do find that I am more irritable, withdrawn and tense. I do have trouble sleeping and my nerves are pretty much shot these days. I take an anti-depressant for medical purposes but I think that one pill is only half of what I probably truly need. I wonder what would happen in you walked into your doctor's office and said "hey, I think I have secondary PTSD"? I bet the doctor would look at you like you were truly off your rocker. I can see why though this secondary PTSD is happening more and more frequently amongst family members. I just worry my kiddos will suffer in the long run. I mean, at this age they don't understand. I am in my mid 30's and still don't understand a lot of it. I wonder if they will ever get a simple cure for PTSD?

Ok...too many questions to lay on anyone at this time of night! Let's say a goodnight prayer (or seven) that tomorrow will bring a better day. If not, at least one with some sunshine! If anyone is actually reading this, would love to hear if you are exhibiting symptoms as well or just clarification I am losing my mind.

Until Then,
The Military Movie Hater

1 comment:

  1. My partners entire DVD collection is military/war films! and he wonders why he's on a downer again the next day from watching them?! Give me strength, I hate the bloody things!


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