Monday, February 15, 2010

I Said What?

So after reading other spouse's talk about their issues and symptoms on behalf of their soldier, I feel somewhat better that at least I am not crazy or just imagining these things when they appear. The biggest pet peeve, if you can even call it that, is the communication problems and misunderstanding. I don't even know if that's the way to explain it or if that's the category it should fall under.....I don't even know if it's really PTSD or if it's just my husband as a male. Hahah!
The thing that irks me the most is when I say something and that somehow gets turned around. I stand there like "what just happened here? I said What!!". It can be something simple and some things more important. Sometimes it can be a simple stretch and I walk away thinking I don't know how he did that, but ok.....other times I walk away and the connection between what I said and how he interpreted it is as different as apples and oranges.
It's quite frustrating I can assure you as most of the time I always look like the bad guy. When I simply remind him of an appointment or to do something because his forgetfulness is notorious, I am nagging. If I tell him we need to talk and sometimes I just get tired of fighting, its interpreted as bitching at him constantly as he quickly reminds me. If I ask him a question, and there is no response....I say well ok then. He jumps my rear and says "I didn't mean it like that or I said yes". Now I know I am not deaf, nor am I not paying attention as I am looking at him where was the response?
Valentine's Day was just another let down yesterday. I don't know why I had it in my head to think anything would be different but was just hoping for some type of love shown. I bought him a lightweight jacket I found to bum around in his garage or the house, and a beautiful card. I also got him his favorite candy. Wasn't much but my heart was in it and that's what counts. Every year we always buy each other a little tiny something on Cupid's Day, but since he has been home I have gotten nil. I got "I forgot, I meant to but just forgot"...yet he remembered to go to his buddy's house, or to go fix something for someone else.....I guess I just expected a little more but because I had my feelings hurt and didn't say much yesterday, this has turned into "I didn't say the right things you wanted to hear" or "maybe you should go find someone else to treat you better"...I never said that! Why could he have not ran me a bath, or perhaps actually come to bed for once and make love?
It never has been about cards, or flowers and he knows's just a simple thought to say hey I love you. With three kids, I knew no one would watch them for us to go out to dinner or do I bought us steaks, potatoes, fresh corn, and made a dessert for my family and husband. I got "supper is good" and that's it. After dinner, he scrapes a couple of plates and goes off to watch tv. I guess I had just hoped for more, but this morning he has turned it around on me as if I am the bad guy. Rather than saying, hey I forgot but love you more than anything, thanks for fixing such a nice supper" I get the "are you gonna be bitchy today?".
Now if I am in the wrong, I will admit it proudly. Will be the first to apologize if I am grumpy, I will even tell him in advance that I am grumpy but has nothing to do with him. I don't need flowers to show me his love, or a silly card.... just needed to hear I love you and maybe do something nice for me during the day. Maybe I just expected to too much.....when I tried to explain it to him, its "nothing I ever do is good enough for you"...I never said that either. I just wanted what most women get for Valentine's Day. I wanted a good day for once....a little love and attention perhaps. Now I am in the wrong because I think I deserve all this as everyone else does...I work the hardest in my marriage...should I not?
I wish for once he could listen to what I am saying and actually hear what I am saying. Rather than jumping on the defensive side of the fence and automatically making me the bad guy. If I say something, that is it. It's meant as I say it and nothing more. If you are wrong, just admit it but at least try and make it up. Not turn it around and make it seem like I am the bad person. Our anniversary is coming up here in a week and I won't get my hopes up for anything. This way no more let downs and anything above my heart getting trampled on is an improvement I suppose. Do I even have a slight right to have my feelings hurt that my husband did not even acknowledge this over commercialized holiday? I think it stems from just more than a day to make you spend goes back to my birthday he didn't acknowledge, the Christmas he half-a@@ed made it through by buying me things I didn't want or never asked for, and the past anniversaries that have been ruined. I don't understand why a simple statement of "I just want to know you love me" suddenly turns into me being in the wrong, assumingly asking too much, and should just know that by him sleeping in the recliner for many nights means he still cares for me. Sometimes it's just more than I can bear on one person's shoulders.

Until Then,
A voice that's never heard

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