So this holiday weekend most of the family has made fun arrangements without us again. I did let my two older children go with my mother-in-law camping, so at least they could enjoy fishing, fireworks and a huge cookout by the river. It saddens me somewhat as I am left here with the youngest and my husband. It's not that Fourth of July really ever made it into our family's "Top Rated Holiday" selection, but I wish my husband could manage just a little of a crowd so we may enjoy the time with them.
It's hard to constantly make excuses.....mostly because my husband doesn't want to admit to them that the fireworks bother him, or the crowds of people.....and then here recently, it's been that family members are a little leery of him for whatever reason. Perhaps not leery, maybe more offish is a better word. I have to look at both sides because we have had to cancel or decline most family invitations that include more than five people. He doesn't like to get out much, so therefore what functions we do have like kid's birthday or Christmas, we have here at our home. By the time anyone gets here, my husband manages to go into "Asshole" mode within sixty minutes of the doorbell ringing.
I never understood the "switch" of moods when company comes, and I feel those times are the hardest for me. Mostly because I can't remember the last holiday we had that wasn't a circle jerk or one that he had ruined. It is stressful enough without him acting like he is pissed off at the world. The look on his face makes people not want to come near him, and me.....apologizing for him for weeks afterward. This year, we haven't received any invitations at all. I guess I should be glad that we haven't because that is one less "Thank you so much BUT you know he can't tolerate the large crowds" or "Well he doesn't want to get out this weekend, but maybe next time" I have to give the spiel on. After a while, it really gets on my nerves to have to do it.
I was catching up on my Facebook account and reading other friend/spouse's weekend plans and have to admit I am slightly filled with "holiday envy". Not because it's the Fourth of July, but because the fun they are planning and the time spent together making family memories. I only have one picture which is posted here on my blog of my husband and I SMILING. The only reason he was smiling because we really really did have a good time together. It was down in Orlando, FL when we went to a marriage retreat sponsored by the Army. We left a day early and drove down to the beach and just walked for hours with our shoes off. It was the best time because we were alone together which comes rarely with three kids, and pretty much had the beach to ourselves. The only thing I felt though was yes we had a great time, but it was so isolated out there. He of course, loved it.
I just get tired sometimes of being alone. Alone here at home, alone out in public, and I feel as if we were the last people left alive on earth...it would totally be ok with him. I am a people person and like to go places...I don't like to eat by myself or go places alone...but just being isolated from everything all the time gets to be too much at times. I don't care for fireworks and because they are illegal to shoot in the cities, you have to force yourself to get into these "mobs" of people trying to get to the same place you are. THEN once its done after sitting for hours waiting on a fifteen minute show...you are trying to leave the place which can take up to an hour to do. I would totally do it this year though just because I am desperate for normalcy. That sounds weird, but it's true.
After a while, you forget what holiday time is really like and you can't even remember how it used to be. As a spouse, I then start to get nervous myself when there is a lot of people around because I know the repercussion of it with my husband. I become very vigilant on everything that goes on around me and my husband, which sometimes really really pisses me off. I wish for just one weekend we could be a normal family, doing normal family stuff with others and have no "episodes" to deal with in the process. I could deal with everything else on a Monday-Friday schedule but not seven days a week, 365 a year. However, I know me better than anyone....I know one weekend would not satisfy my lust for normalcy. We would have a fantastic weekend and that would leave me wanting more.
I once read a quote by a Vietnam Veteran's Wife on a website that stated " There is not a part of the day that PTSD doesn't have a part in"....Amen sister! How do we as spouses, ever really get used to all this? It's been three years for me and still I long for the past. I know that most Veteran Wives who have been there and done that state "grieve and then move on".....but surely they feel this way from time to time! Do you eventually just become numb and don't care? Do you ever get used to the isolation and never a break from PTSD? I don't know if I can honestly say yes, I will get used to it even though I know I should. I can say it would make my life a hell of a lot easier if I could because then I can adapt and not long for anything. Some people want fame and fortune, security and to be happy.....I just want my old life back and not be stuck in the most horrific "Ground Hog's Day" movie that we seem to be living in every single day. Not too much to ask for huh?
To All of you, have a wonderful Fourth of July Weekend and stay safe!
Uncle Sam's Mistress