I really don't know what is wrong with me this week but, I have been in a foul mood every single morning I wake up. A ton of things are bothering me and I just feel the need to get them out of my head and try to move on. So rather than being long winded and probably boring some of you, I am going to make myself a "Scream List"
- I am tired, bone tired, and soul weary....So very tired that I can't get my brain to function correctly. I am getting less and less sleep, while my husband has done nothing BUT sleep for the past four days and sleeps all the time. His snoring is driving me insane, his CPAP machine for his unhuman like snoring helps, but now he is mumbling and even humming. Regardless of medications to knock him into a comatose state, he still suffers horribly from night sweats. This in turn makes him toss and turn, which leaves me to the edge of my side of the bed holding on for dear life and HOT. Knowing that he kept me up all night long, and after dealing with the kids and sickness, you would have thought I could have laid down during the day to rest. NOPE.
- I am sick, two of my kids are sick, and the other is just fussy because his asthma prevents him from going outside to play. They whine, they cry, they scream and just naturally hard to get along with no matter what I do. Dad is no where to be seen or heard from, and if he is here....we get the deer in the headlight look if not the pissiness he gives me because they are, of course, driving him crazy.
- It's not OK for me to have an angry outburst or be upset over something like having no help with the kids, no help in the house, no help with the bills or laundry, clearing the supper table or helping with homework. It is Ok for him to get angry because he stepped on a toy soldier on the floor which led to a screaming match and an absurd reason to bitch about everything going wrong in his life.
- He is having stomach problems probably due to half the junk he is eating and more than likely, from all the medicine he is taking. Totally get that and I can be very sympathetic. However, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis which some days, feels like I have someone pounding on my bones with a large sledgehammer. I can tolerate that he does indeed hurt in some places due to being hurt, I can tolerate the whining because hell I am used to it....I can't tolerate no sympathy for me or willingness to help me because I am sick or down.
- When he constantly forgets...and I forget to remind him, then its OK for him to be pissed at me. When he oversleeps because he won't get up and late for something...its OK to blame me. It's NOT OK for me to remind him because that is considered "nagging" nor is it ok for me to constantly try to rouse him from bed because that has turned into "getting on his back/case".
- Some days he sleeps until 1:00 p.m. in the daytime, other times he sleeps till noon. I haven't slept in past 7:30 a.m. in 13 years and that was on two occasions. When he is asleep, I keep the kids and house under control. I don't go in there and pester him to get up or ask where such and such is. I do not get the same in return.
- Being sick and being tired, I haven't been in the mood to have sex and because mostly I am irritated with him so that plays havoc on the "wanna go get naked" moments. I don't complain when he leaves me "sexually stranded" in our bedroom while he sleeps away in his recliner. I don't complain because his PTSD has knocked every ounce of romance out of his body, and when he is not able to "perform", I never belittle or humiliate him in any way. It's obviously NOT ok for me not to be in the mood because then I hear "I am going to order you some female enhancement products" or he gets mad when he suddenly decides he is in the mood during the day when the kids are running around or screaming. Sorry honey, I have the stomach bug and sex right now, is just not making me want to jump up and run with my knickers held high!
- It's ok for him to leave and run around town....go to a friend's house, or the Volunteer Fire Dept for a monthly local meeting. God help me, if I need to go to the doctor or OBGYN because then I am dragging at least two of my kids with me. Then he wonders why I haven't seen a therapist in a while. Well, it's hard to bear your soul on a long black couch and really focus, when you are trying to keep your kids from yelling "Mommy gooooo, let's go....can we eat at McDonald's?" all through your conversation.
- It's give give give and never taking for me. It's being robbed of every single opportunity to have ONE freaking happy family moment. It's having every holiday and special occasion stolen from you and being the scapegoat for all that goes wrong in his life. It's listening to my little sister and feeling jealous because her husband wants to take her to Vegas for their anniversary this year when my husband forgot. It's knowing my 35th birthday is coming up and no one acknowledges it. My husband hasn't for two years, nor Mother's Day, or Christmas. It's "I forgot". It's NOT ok for me to be hurt.
- Some days I am ashamed of myself because although I truly do love him, even when he is absolutely the monster he can be and tests my limits; some days I want to yell, scream and hate him to the very core of my body. I resent him most days, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in the future, and all he can say is "I can't help I am this way". Yes you can help some of it. You just don't try very hard. You can give a little and not take so much....he is literally sucking me dry to the point I just don't care anymore.
- I can't look forward to tomorrow because its the same old shit over and over again. I find my children are becoming argumentative, hateful and have angry outbursts, but that's not my husband's fault he says. I don't even want to talk about the future because holy hell, its going to be like this only 20 years later and more freaking gray hair!
So there it is...my scream bloody damn murder list of things that are bothering me this week. I should not be this way, I know I shouldn't. I just can't help it. I just feel sorta........lost. I don't know what's worse, the fighting with him, or the fighting within myself over who I used to be and who I have now become...........
Screaming on the Inside,