Excuses, Heartbreaks and Peanut Butter Cups

Wow...has it really been three months since I have written? I could probably fill in a whole lot of excuses why, but to be honest, my heart just hasn't been in it. My husband and I decided to take another crack at the whole marriage counseling at the VA. The therapist is really nice, understanding but I feel like an hour every two weeks isn't really cutting the mustard so to speak. We have gone now a couple of times and I really felt like I was made to be the enemy in each session. She sends me this list of books I am supposed to go online and buy, "do my homework", come back and see her in two weeks. How can you spill your guts to a counselor and share the time with your husband in less than hour? Fifteen minutes in the beginning is to rehash last session and to ask us how things are going now. I feel like I am bubbling over the top on the insides, perhaps its because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. The entire time I am supposed to justify why I get so upset with him, when he screws up and never comes home...I am supposed to take a deep breath and count to ten and say "Remember he has issues and emotional problems".....Hmmmm, not really sure how to feel about this. When your husband stays gone all the time, calls and says "I'll be home in five minutes, whats for supper, I am starving?" Then I expect him home in five minutes, to eat supper that I fixed for him and spend time with his family. Instead, he doesn't show up for hours on end with no calls, no explanations, nothing! Now this therapist is telling me that yes I have the right to be hurt, but do I need to be angry over it? Hell yes I do! PTSD or not, I feel I deserve a call to let me know he is not coming home. I deserve to know why!

My youngest son has a peanut allergy and my Mother in law by accident and irresponsibility, allowed him to get in contact with a Reece's Peanut Butter cup. It almost killed him. Scary thought and just thinking about this incident again, makes my heart drop to my stomach. The whole time the ER doctors kept telling us it was an allergic reaction, and she never admitted her error. Three days in the hospital, test results in hand showing he ingested peanuts, and then she says "well he might have gotten into peanut butter". After he is home, after a doctor check up and more medications to put him on and safety measures...after explaining to her that the peanut butter in the PB cup, was what caused him to be so sick...she STILL denies or puts the blame on something or someone else. "Maybe it was the grass and the doctor is wrong", "I don't think I did wrong, the test is wrong". Now I don't think she did it intentionally, and I am not as angry as I probably should be....but when you are wrong, step up to the plate and say "I was wrong, and I am sorry".

Getting down to the point, I think my husband can't step up to the plate. When he is wrong, it's easier to get angry and start attacking back. There again, I walk away thinking what the heck did I do wrong? I can't count on him to be where he is supposed to be, or deserve any attention, but I am wrong? I feel like I am my husband's peanut butter cup. Crazy example I know, but really I feel I can relate. Perhaps he is more like his mom than I originally thought!

The therapist says in order for us to get back to the point of happiness in our marriage, we must first remember why we got together to begin with. God, can I even remember that far back? I am struggling trying to remember those little things, the laughter, and am I really that deprived now that I can't remember those things ever again? It was mentioned that I had considered leaving him for a while. Yes, it was talked about and considered, but we have children together. That throws a wrench in the works. The therapist asked me if I felt like I needed the time away, I answer yes. Then she says "why haven't you gone then?" I answer as honest as I can be, speaking truly from the heart and say " I don't want to give up, I feel if I leave him I am letting him down and right now I am the only stability he has. I married for sickness and in health, and I am keeping to that vow".

Then it's my husband's turn. Same question and he answers "she wants to go then there is the ^%$#^&*$ door, go. The only reason I haven't left is because of my kids and I don't want her to take them to AZ where her sister is"....now he has said some crappy things, hurt me when he is angry or upset at something, but never have I felt like my heart was truly broken as it was yesterday. I looked at him and said "well at least your honest"....he got mad and said, "well if I didn't love you I would not be here now would I?" All I heard after that was he is only sticking around for the kids sake...not mine. I don't really know why then he is going to counseling if there is no point of him wanting to be in a marriage. I came home and was just literally sick to my stomach. Here I am fighting for not just all soldiers, but my husband. Fighting for more help, more resources for soldiers with PTSD and even more for spouses who are suffering like I am and no one cares! For what? So he can tell me that the only reason he hasn't ended the marriage is because of the kids? I kept thinking that if I kept searching, kept speaking out, kept showing him I was in this for the long run, then perhaps he will see the light so to speak. Guess not. He would not see the light at the end of the tunnel because basically the PTSD is a fast moving train and has already hit him for life.

He was recently diagnosed with Traumatic Brain Injury. Not sure how to feel about this either. Yes, I feel better knowing that the signs of other non-PTSD things happening to him are really something...but now what? He has been in a mood ever since the diagnosis and doesn't want to talk about it. I am suffering in his silence and so are my kids, and he doesn't care. I really don't think he cares much about anything anymore. Am I fighter truly? Or am I sincerely a fool? These examples I write about...maybe I should copy all these and send to the Army. Perhaps then with all of us who are suffering and sending in letters, maybe they will realize that they just left us out in the cold and no jacket. Do they really care at all what happens when their soldiers come home from war? Why can't they prepare us for all this or have a manual or something? As a military spouse, we served right along side of our husband...where is our VA when we need one?

Anyway, will end this blog for now and will try to write more at least once a week. I know it makes me feel better writing about it and letting my frustrations out, but man....sometimes I feel even more alone than I already am.

Until then,

A permanent peanut butter cup hater