Sunday, May 30, 2010

Revelations and Rainbows

So it has been a nice few days here at home. My husband has actually been in a good mood, mostly due to a little "hope" finally swung our way! I won't mention the "hope" in fear that if I talk about it that it won't happen. Will just have to wait to see what happens, but keep your fingers crossed dear readers!

Friday we went to counseling, and from the last session...I was really just dreading the trip to the VA, dealing with the therapist and THEN dealing with the aftermath for two weeks until the next one. I dreaded it so much that I contemplated what would be worse? Having my head torn off and be fed to a lake full of alligators or go to marriage counseling? Fortunately for me, my head is still intact and we do not have alligators here in our state. Made it through the first 15 minutes of "rehashing" and bluntly told the counselor I didn't want to be there, saw no point in continuing counseling with my husband and pretty much sulked while he talked and she asked questions. Surprisingly enough, my husband stated that he could have handled the last session differently and that he didn't mean to say that....its just he felt agitated, pressured and felt he needed to throw up the defenses. After a while, the counselor started asking about our relationship and how its been since he has been home. It was then I realized that what was the one thing that bothered me about him and our relationship.

I feel that since he came home, he has not only pushed me away, shut me out but left me as my husband. I feel that since he has been here, and the normal role of husband and wife, as drastically changed to mother and child. I didn't realize how much this was so until counseling made me think about our relationship. Since he has been home, it really has been like having another child. It's been me and FOUR boys rather than just our three. Children take and take because they are self-absorbing individuals learning, taking everything in around's what they do. Mommy and Daddy are always there giving and well, until they get older do they really start to give back as adults. Right now, I feel like rather than being his wife, I am mothering him along with our children. A role I hate to even admit I am in, and one that is constantly challenging me. I feel that my needs are not noticed or met, and that I am the one constantly giving but never on the receiving end.

When asked of my husband what I do for him that makes him feel loved and cared for, or understanding of his PTSD, he flooded with all these answers. I kind of sat there with my mouth hanging open because most of the time, he never tells me this stuff! Things you would never think of that he noticed, he did and felt that it showed love, care and patience. I was pretty astounded over how one session that I was dreading so much really turned out to be a good thing. We didn't leave angry, or me crying. We left with smiles and me feeling like for once...he "got" what I have lost for the first time.

We actually had a date night, first one in YEARS...literally. We had a nice dinner although he really struggled with the crowded Friday night restaurant. We ate, went and purchased my oldest son a birthday present, and then went to a movie. It's been so long since we have seen a movie, that I could not even tell you what we saw last! The movie was great, and we had a great time! After work yesterday, he came home and wanted to go to the flea market and to lunch with me and the kids. We were all so shocked that we really didn't know what to say. It was a great day today but I could tell he was really fidgety, nervous and paranoid about being in such a large crowd. I commended him on not blowing up and freaking out, but we really didn't stay that long. Lunch was driving thru so we could go on home. I figured he'd had about all he could stand. I guess I can't complain.

I looked out the window this evening after a strong thunderstorm and saw a rainbow. That rainbow reminded me that there is a little sunshine after the rain. I sometimes get so lost in all the bad days, that I overlook what little good ones we do have. Maybe it's because I just have more bad days than good ones, and just need to concentrate on the good ones. For a short while this weekend, I had my husband back and that was a wonderful feeling. It was very uplifting and made me realize why I fight so much for him and for everyone. Maybe just maybe, there will be more rainbows and less rain clouds.

Off to enjoy the evening without tension, anger and stress....
Uncle Sam's Mistress

No comments:

Post a Comment

I Would Love to Hear From Ya'll!