Saturday, May 22, 2010

Still the Same Old Song & Dance

So ever since our counseling session last week, things have been sort of tense. I guess more on my side this time, I will admit it. My point being this, What's the point of going to counseling if the only reason my husband stays in our marriage is because of our kids? I know I know..."not supposed to use what is said in counseling outside of counseling", but she isn't married to my husband! After continuously asking me what's wrong, I finally broke down and told him yesterday that comment really hurt and well, I just don't see a point of wasting either of our time if he doesn't want to be there. He gets upset with me! I am being honest and I was not hateful about why do I feel like I am the one in the wrong?

Staying away from home constantly and never being here when I need him has sincerely left me sorta numb, him talking on the phone with all these other people every single day and not talking to me, has left me really dead inside. I am to the point now I could care less if he comes home or ever speaks to me again, and the sad thing is; I know that he would be happier because I am not "questioning" him. What's wrong with this picture? I mean, sure he is happy and well, so glad someone is! However, I have to contend with my kids seven days a week with no break whatsoever, never have a friend to talk to or even have a decent relationship with my husband. BUT "he loves me, if he didn't, he wouldn't be with me". Really? Show me you love me by spending some time with me, don't make me have to explain to a four year old why dads not home again, and make me feel like you want to be with your family!

All my friends so to speak, don't have any clue about PTSD or what we as spouses go through. The lack of empathy, the coldness and flippant way he acts most of the time, the lack of tenderness, and I really really hate the "I have PTSD" card he pulls out of his sleeve and lays on the table when you are upset with him. I know I didn't serve, probably don't know the whole story of what went on over there and never will.....but why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve all this or my children? He has no care when one of us is sick, has no second thought of my health or stress that is laid on me...but is the first to remind me that "I add extra stress on him". Why? Because I call you and say hey, you coming home for supper you wanted? Five-eight hours later, can't get a hold of him nor does he call.

I feel really bitter towards the military. I mean, they know some of our soldiers come home this why is there not a Plan A and Plan B for us spouses? Because we are not their problem anymore. Send them off to the VA and let's hope for the best! I am sincerely hoping that someone one day will listen to me, or just hear me out. I don't want to give up on my husband, because every once in a blue moon I see the old him come through. But, it disappears just as fast as it appeared. So I throw myself into anything and everything I can to keep busy and keep my head on straight. I think what scares me is that I am getting to the point of not caring anymore. I have never been that way! I am slowly losing concern about my husband that I used to feel so strongly about. I am more like "he doesn't want to come home, fine with me. At least I can have an evening without an argument". In reality, that is one less stressful family moment we all don't have to endure.

My two youngest sons' birthdays are coming up in June and I am already stressing out whether my husband will be rude, snotty and have a "moment". I don't want to invite friends because what if he does flip out? I have to worry about offending friends or upsetting my children. Most parents would worry about having more children on top of theirs at a party, or trying to budget the birthday money out of a paycheck. I am worrying how my husband will be and whether my children will have a good birthday that dad didn't ruin. I have to remember all the past special occasions or holidays where we all went home crying.

I guess I have always been a smart cookie. Well read, educated, and definitely a hands on learner. Just wishing I could understand more of what he feels or what goes on his head. Crack open the old head and take a peek at the works and say "Ah-Ha! Elementary my dear Watson!" I have read and studied on PTSD, most of which is textbook jargon. Stuff reads like stereo instructions. Classes we have taken left me feeling worse and left out as nothing applied to us spouses. Counseling both free and paid for, left us sort of worse for wear I think. Did it really accomplish anything? Not really. I took everything he fussed about which was nothing compared to my complaints, and left him alone...I stopped counted to ten and reminded myself he isn't the same and tried to be more positive. Did he take anything from those sessions? Nope, it's the same old song and dance.

I honestly would not know what a single day of no stress would be like. Really. I can see why some spouses drink every day or end up alcoholics as I have heard in spouse sessions or read. It's very easy to eye that bottle of wine at 9:00 p.m. and think "A few glasses will wind me down and make the hurt go away for just a few hours at least". I must have looked at that new bottle of wine in the fridge every single time I opened the door and longed for it. I finally sucked it up, popped the cork and dumped it down the sink. I think I worried that I would polish off that bottle, and want more and more. I fought it and now still kicking myself in the butt that I tossed it! Haha!

I know that PTSD is an unseen wound, know that it's not acknowledged as it should, never fully understood by the soldiers let alone the spouses. I think sometimes that it would have been easier to have my husband lose a leg, or something like that. The fight for PTSD and TBI is just incredibly long and is there ever an end? Is there a point where the white flag is raised and get back to where we were? I don't mind the fight, but I don't want to fight for someone who doesn't care about anything anymore. There's gotta be a point to soldiers who suffer that they stop and say "Crap, I gotta get myself back together again!" I just wish my husband would acknowledge that he hurts us, gives us the heaviest weight to bear that no one should ever have to deal with, and that we love him or we would not still be here. It's getting harder and harder though to see the silver lining in the clouds, because here lately its been a torrential downpour and no clear days. Maybe one day the sun will break though.

Until Then,

A Desperate Sky Searcher with No Umbrella

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