Picking Your Battles

So yeah, it's been a rough few weeks apparently, from my last blog posted. Things have though, thankfully,  calmed down a bit although my husband thinks he needs to "think about some things and get his head figured out". I am not really sure what that means but, I get it. We have been civil to each other but, no more meetings on the battlefield. There have been some nice efforts made on his part but, he sees no wrong in anything he said or did. That part bothers me the most. He dodges anything that relates to "us" so our kids are really the only thing we have that keeps us on mutual ground. I still feel like I am being blamed for something, being pushed away for God knows what and still have no clue what's going on with him. I think out of all of it? The blame hurts the worse especially when there is no reason I can find. He thinks he is beyond saving and I see much more left to save.

How's that for controversy? Try finding "compromise" in that statement. 

I wonder from time to time, if love can't save our Veterans then, what really does? Is there more out there we can do? Then from time to time, I put all my frustrations and heartaches into fighting for him and others. I really don't see myself as an advocate. I try to write to help others but, advocacy is such a strong word and often, I shy away from it. Hell, I am a volunteer with Family of a Vet, a friend that I've had for five years now and I can't seem to do enough! I try to help where I can but, at least she knows if she needs me, I've got her back or at the very least, bail money. I'm so proud of her and all her work she does along with all of our bloggers. I spend most of my pain, fighting back against what is wrong, putting all my strength into pushing for what was earned, and then battling the system as if I have nothing to lose. Right now, I wonder if I possibly just fought too much, and did it lead me into this situation and my husband? Maybe he figured I just left him behind. although supportive, he uses it against me when he is angry. It's why sometimes, I stay unsure of myself. I don't think he realizes that he was the reason I fought so hard. Leave no man behind right? Isn't that what we are all taught in the military? I really don't know what to think because well, I am somewhat lost on this whole part of it.

I am still continuing with my personal vendetta with myself and placing some challenges for me to complete.

I went ahead and did the radio interview with Dick Gordon, with The Story, in which my husband was supportive of. I enjoyed this experience immensely and thought for the first time in a long time albeit nervous, that maybe my self doubt is just coming from not knowing what direction I am going in. I am usually the lady with the plan, the poker faced Mistress with a few aces up her sleeves and a crap load of Jokers. I can pretty much keep that bluff for a long time, making even myself believe that I got it figured out. Honestly though, sometimes I have no idea. I also blame being a Virgo in all this mess and possibly still revisiting the whole menopause/demon possession as well. During the radio interview, I felt comfortable like maybe I was supposed to be there. All I can hope for is no back lash like I have had in the past for what I say; which is usually the non-sugar coated version of our lives. It was a good day. I drove home listening to my Ipod, belting out a few tunes, smiling at the fact I spun in the office chair in the studio and drank water from a cup that said "Life is Young". I decided that day, you know what? I am not going to just hide behind my computer. I need to get out more and just do more things. I almost decided to get rid of the purple and magenta highlights but, somehow it just suits me and it's still my hostage negotiation. I am afraid if I go back, I go back three steps personally. Still have the purple toenails, and polka dotted nails. Might change that up a bit. So keeping to the 101 challenge and adding on to my list. This time, for no one but myself.

It's been a long time coming but, maybe that's what scaring my husband?

I came home that one fine afternoon to a virtual storm of emails, MEB appeals denied and an upset husband. I have to tell you, I think battling the VA was much easier than navigating the Army's system of the Medical Evaluation Board. It makes no sense, the requirements you must jump over while doing a hand stand and the paperwork; it's no wonder why people give up, don't understand how to do it, and how they get screwed over so badly. I spent my whole day yesterday trying to figure out this mess and why they denied our appeal which is the residuals of the TBI, his back and knees and why they only want to put him out for PTSD. It seems the Army wants to only look at one day, in 2007 when our guys landed back home. One day, in which all their injuries were documented, promised to be taken care of, then just like that....disappeared. According to what I read in the denial in response to the appeal, which by the way, a third grader could have made more sense in writing it, it seemed to me they disregarded the last five years of medical records. It's all there. We rolled the dice, took the gamble and went with an Independent Medical Review to look over everything and base their opinion.

There you go, sometimes you just have to take chances even when the odds are against you. 

Now why is it a gamble? Because it can go against you or for you is how it was explained to us by JAG. You could have one doctor having a really bad day, the kind where they think "screw it. I'll just flip through this and say whatever". You are basically asking a doctor, who is on the outside and has no knowledge before hand or nothing to do with your case, to look everything over and say yay or nay. Well, we rolled that dice and it turned out that the doctor not only verified, backed it all up with her opinions in our favor but, also added two more diagnosis's. I figured, this cats in the bad. Wrong.

The Army wants to go back to six years ago, on the day of landing and because his records have nothing there they just want to deny everything based on one day. Tell me that makes any sense at all.  It took everything I had to keep the rage I felt under control because the records they are looking at are the only ones they have, because WE gave it to them. I swear, if I had a nickel for every time someone said "how strange is it that they have lost everything not just once, but several times?", "well, your husband's case is a backwards one" and "holy hell what a mess!", I would take that money and find me a really good ambulance chaser who would sue the Army for negligence, lying, covering it up, abuse, complete disregard for soldier's personnel records and then there is the safety concerns we have. If they lost all these records for these soldiers, who has them and who has access to the information?

Then everyone wants to know why we trust no one and demand copies of everything. 

We are now on our 3rd PEBLO which isn't really helping matters since the last one left this one a pile of mass confusion in an already overloaded caseload. If I ever locate our last one, I got a few things to say to him. We tried to express our concerns, our questions and even did a conference call with her, our military caseworker and Federal Reserve officer and somehow in all that....apparently she fell asleep. This week though, I had to suck up the pride all while listening to her lies, excuses and appeal to her woman to woman just fighting for their husbands. I am not sure that worked or not. We shall see. I really don't know exactly what a PEBLO does, or maybe the job descriptions that are listed and from what everyone tells me they are; doesn't seem to be any guidelines the ones we have had are following, After clearing up some questions she had, it finally hit her like Ah hah! I incurred a few bangs against the wall while on the phone, a nosebleed while further banging my head against the keyboard, a much needed Xanex and the consideration of just becoming an alcoholic (just a joke so please don't send me emails in regards to my alcoholism).....perhaps we might be one further step ahead with this one. The debate is still out though and I am not holding my breath.

It's been a nightmare. One I want to finally just wake up from and be done.

From my earlier posts and with the power of the internet, my open invitation to General Talley got a response. He was pretty upset with me in a closed response and that's ok. I deserved it and so did he. So I think we are even on the playing field. I probably wasn't nice and after re-reading it, I realized blogging and a bottle of wine probably wasn't the wisest choice. However, he did say that he could be contacted and see he could help. It's a little too late now and I have contacted him before with no response from his office or the people who work in there telling me to go somewhere else. I normally don't attack people without a warranted and previous burned experience. Now that we have someone else from the unit coming forward with the exact same story and lost records, no awards etc, I feel better about telling him all. So that is my next project. It might be too late for us but maybe it might alert him to some issues that are there for the others. I figure if I run into the same run around from his office like before, I will mail the same letter every week until someone answers.

I would just like someone to say "I'm sorry. I wish I had known then to help you" but then, I think I would rather have them do something to make it easier. I am tired of fighting. The Mistress will of course, apologize because after reading that post I realized I came out the fences with my boxing gloves on, fueled by courage, wine, hurt and anger in a comment he made and I wasn't probably fair to him to be honest. I still stand by the rest of my open invitation. I just don't like people telling me the Army is our family because we have learned very quickly that family shuts their doors and all of you have agreed so I know that I am not being just a hard ass that no one can get along with. That's the truth and, perhaps once he knows our story and others, maybe he will understand why I extended the invitation to come and visit his "family". I am still getting emails out of the wazoo from different Army departments just sympathizing but, some that truly want to do something. I wish I had all the hours in the world so I could get caught up.

With much of the MEB, I am going to have to pick some of the battles. Me being the person I am, I want to fight in them all but, deep down I know I just can't. I know some of it will be denied, some won and some lost. It's just the way it is. I am just going to have to accept that and, so will my husband. I've been fueled by sheer desperation, what is right and wrong an most of all? The fear of letting him down when the rest of the world did. It's time to accept that I can't win them all and some battles, even if just small...will have to be accepted as major wins especially in this life.

Doesn't mean I didn't try like hell though to win them all. 

After talking to our JAG, I appealed to him as a person to me as a person; just two human beings, shooting the shit. I was nice, and I explained why I won't give up and he explained what my best options are. I know their jobs are tough. I asked him how does he do it? Haven't you ever wondered how these guys and girls do these jobs every day and then go home to sleep at night? I have. I don't think I could do it at all. I know all of them are overloaded, buried under red tape, dead lines and cases that are lengthy that don't get closed can be very detrimental to that caseworker. I read quite a bit and am not the average joe blow and I always try to be fair, for all sides......until they piss me off and talk down to me. One question I always ask them is "wouldn't you do this for your spouse or would you just lie down and give up?". I joked and told him with as much spit fire as I have, I should have been a lawyer. He told me it was never too late. Who knows?

In other news in my crazy antics, my participation in the Dole Foundation paid off with the release this week of Phase One of the Rand Study on Military Caregivers and Families of our Veterans. I can say, with deep pride, this is one small step but what a huge jump it will give all of us in the future. It's been splashed all over the internet, all over the news and we have some exciting stuff coming with all this. You can view it here http://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/research_reports/RR200/RR244/RAND_RR244.pdf in the PDF format, so you don't have to pay for it. I know many of the VA's read my blog (yes, I can see you on here ;) ) Please read as it might help you get some stats. I think besides this blog, doing a few news reports, I am most proud that my voice is in that Rand Study. It was long overdue and hopefully it will help later down the road. 

I am currently trying to take a few things at a time, one day at a time and choosing my battles. I am very weary and sometimes in this world of ours? It can become very monotonous to breathe, eat, sleep, dream and live PTSD, TBI, War and all that comes with it. I will try to help my husband sort out what's going on in his head and help where I can with his thinking he is too far gone. Mostly though? I think I have carried him far enough and some of this, he will have to learn to stand on his own. I realized that much of the time, I can only stand back and watch him fight his own war. It is one of the hardest things to do but, at the same time, I have myself and my children to carry too. I am working on starting my support group in the area, tossing some ideas around (keeping myself grounded though Miss Torrey on the ideas) and even pitched in with a new group called Warrior Chef. I have always liked to cook, been a been there, done that on trying to feed a family of five on a small budget and he is a dear friend of mine. It's different, it's fun and I like his spunk to get out there and just do it! Although I am many states away, I would like him to succeed in this program. I am also doing this for me. I secretly always wanted to write a cookbook so maybe this will pacify my need for that dream that slipped by. 

Know it doesn't take much to burn both ends of the candle out quickly.

So warrior wife to those out there reading; my tip of the day is that sometimes you just have to step back. If feelings get hurt, or someone gets mad. Hell, let them get mad or hurt. Whatever is not done on that small list for the day? It will still be there tomorrow. Get out there and do something just for yourself. Spin in an office chair, do something crazy you normally wouldn't do, and learn to pick your battles. There will always be battles in this life and there will always be victories and losses. Sometimes though, you just have to the strength to stand up, wave the white flag and walk away in order to save your sanity. Know and understand that sometimes there is absolutely nothing we can do to help fight the battles in our Veteran's heads except be there to support, love and encourage. It doesn't make us failures I decided, it just makes us that much stronger.......

"To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."

Sun Tzu

 

I Have No Good Excuses But He Has Plenty

You probably thought I disappeared, huh? It's been quite some time since my last blog. I won't waste your time reading up on my lame attempt to make some excuses for my hiatus, but will say that it's been more than hectic here. There just doesn't seem to be a whole lot of time for anything anymore. My mind is foggy, my body over extended and my sanity? Well, let's just say it's on the verge of giving me a permanent eye twitch!

I fell outside and encountered my first broken bones a couple of days after my last blog posted. It was a doozy of a fall and well, I figured that was a sign from the big man upstairs that I am just doing too much. I had no choice then but to walk away from many things and try to heal. All healed up pretty decently since surgery but two fingers which are sort of frozen and unable to move. My sanity and stress level improved but while I had that much down time, I did the most dangerous thing a Caregiver could do....THINK. 2012 wasn't very kind to me and if I had endured any more surgeries that year, well I could literally be my own sprinkler system with as many holes as this body has had! 

We managed to make it through the the month of October with the help of my mother in law and my oldest son and husband. The lack of sympathy or any remote interest from my husband was disheartening but I don't know why I expected anything more from him. I find by lifting any expectations, I always fall flat on my face and end up with skinned knees from disappointment. I always wondered what happens to Caregivers who need care giving too? That is probably one of those questions that stumps irony.  Kind of like "where do doctors go when they are sick?"

It's been quite a road since Thanksgiving with the Army, husband and school for two of the three children I have. Thanksgiving I couldn't cook with one arm so we ended up grilling out hot dogs and all the fixings. Turned out to be one of the lesser stressed holidays we have ever had. My husband tried so hard and offered to take us out to dinner but in our rural area, it seems that was everyone's idea as well. Just the thought of the crowds, his reactions and all that comes with it? Yeah, the hot dog were damn good! Four days before Christmas our PEBLO decides to finally contact us and wanted everything done right then, right now which was literally impossible. He moved on to another station and I can't say I will miss him at all. Right now, we are appealing much of the MEB reports because he failed to do his part of his job, failed to add in a few important details and for some reason; proof reading and correcting things that are important went by the wayside. We haven't even heard from our new PEBLO yet and of course, she is new so it should be interesting. New people seem to always be a challenge to break in, kind of like a wild horse. It's amazing we haven't scared off our Federal Recovery Coordinator or our Army Recovery Coordinator. They must be gluttons for punishment but I am so glad they have stuck around to see us through. That, and we are probably good dinner table talk and worth a few laughs here and there! I love that I can call one and she has a great sense of humor. She must wonder if I am on the thresh hold of running a circus here.

Christmas went well with few minor hiccups along the way. My husband had some bad days but at least we didn't have to deal with suicide attempts, drinking binges or anything serious. However, New Year's came and he went to see a friend up the road and never came back. I don't know why it bothered me so badly that he just ran and disappeared, but I feel not only a responsibility for him but it was New Year's Eve too. I wanted to bring it in right and I am hoping like hell that the whole old wives tale of "what you will be doing on New Year's Eve will be what you will be doing the whole year long" is just a crock. If it turns out true, I am not going to have a good year as I spent my New Year's up all night, crying. I was hoping we would be having sex or maybe share some laughs while we watched the ball drop in New York City. At this point, I would have been happy just going to bed together early and not doing anything; not crying though because my husband stood me up for a friend that he couldn't care less for. I think I was more hurt than anything. 

Excuses and Lies

My husband has a ton of them and lying has become a serious issue now. Excuses for his behavior, excuses for where he is, excuses for getting angry, excuses to the kids, excuses for everything. I am so sick of hearing them and they are constant with no rest. If it's not a long drawn out excuse, it's a lie. He is a horrible liar and most of the time, he won't even look me in the face. I especially hate when I ask him something because I know he is lying, he looks away and says "huh? what? huh? I didn't hear you?". Seriously? It's like watching a child make up an excuse to not listen to your question and then try to back peddle into a good lie to cover the real reason why he spit on his brother or why he lost his report card which had an F on it. I am not sure why this started all of a sudden but all I can think of is dammit, haven't we already been through this in the past? I used to think that PTSD/TBI had a pattern during certain periods of the year. Holidays, major event "memory day" and the rest just falls in the "other" category. Over the past five years of living with all this, it has bettered in some areas like the abuse of alcohol and suicidal tendencies but worsened in other areas. Major events I thought we were done with but after thinking about it....it just repeats itself. Every. Single. Year. There is no break from that and I realized it's just a vicious cycle that we will repeat over and over again just a little different each time. 

I just can not tolerate lying. I try to teach my children they can tell me everything, even if it's the worst. My husband and I built our relationship on that foundation of trust, honesty and friendship. I never have had that tolerance and the worse part is? I don't lie to him and he would always tell me everything. I feel guilty NOT telling him something even now. I think the part that has the highest "suck" factor is that the lying is nothing really that important to even lie over. I mean, if you are going to lie? Lie big or go home right? Don't lie over silly small things. Now, its not the "I just forgot and I need to lie to make up for the fact I don't want to admit it" just for clarification. It's just lying to be lying. I am at a complete lost at this point and I found dealing with him this latter part of the months I have been gone, has really reduced my toleration for a lot of things.I am pulling myself further away from him to protect myself. I am starting to look away at certain behaviors because it just isn't worth the damn fight or listening to the lies. I don't know if it's him or if it's me slipping further away.

Funny isn't it, how you fall in love and when you look at this person who has swept your heart away, you don't think of what you will deal with in the future. You never really stop to analyze at that point, of what would be the whole picture because one really doesn't know right? You just know you are supposed to be a part of that person and that's all that matters. Any obstacles you can overcome you think, any burdens you will carry together and all you really focus on is happiness with that person. You just know your life is never going to be the same. Boy, wasn't that the truth! Here lately though, I feel like it's more of a "phantom limb" situation. It feels like he is still there, still a part of me but you can see it's not there. The worst part is, my trust had been broken so many times that it took a lot for me to open back up and trust him once more. One year of therapy, lots of break downs and chastising myself for not forgiving and it led me here. I don't know if he even remembers the past of the wrong doings, or even acknowledges that broken trust is truly hard to gain back. I wonder if he knows how truly hurt and disappointed I am in him right now? Does he even really care anymore about anything? Now I feel like he has broken it again and again with just stupid and tiny lies, so how does one trust again? Sometimes I wonder if he knows that I still think he hung the moon just as I did the night I met him? Regardless of the bad times, I never once faltered on that thought.......

Sometimes I question the whole "is this it for the rest of my life?" probably just like my husband does. I am sure everyone does, I don't care who you are. I mean you fall in love, you get this person in your life that you love and learn to lean on. Then all of a sudden your on your own. Seems somewhat unfair and I have to question the whole "plan" for me because I just don't get it. So far God has given me the strength to carry my family and myself through, the courage to take on more but what are we really gaining? That part bothers me the most and heaven help me, I just want a small hint. Anything that says "this is where you are heading" because right now? The directions I am seeing are more like my stupid GPS with the lady and her perfect voice stating "recalculating" over and over again. Yeah...ain't that the truth!

There are days where he is truly appreciative of things I do for him or how much time I put into advocating or representing him. I do not hear "I love you" which to me I long for more than anything else. I wonder why three words are so hard? Often I wonder if that means he doesn't anymore? There are other days though, he could care less and I don't think he "sees" me anymore. As long as things go the way he wants them to, as long as it benefits him....it's all great. Of course it is, it's great for him. Anyone else though be damned. I hate thinking this way, and like I said before...thinking is dangerous for us caregivers and spouses. Thinking to me is like mopping. You start mopping but sometimes we don't always pull out the fridge or the oven right? (if you do every time you mop, that's just weird) All that stuff gets built up under there but eventually sometime, you clean under there. When you pull it ALL out, you are horrified at how much shit comes out. Yeah....that's what thinking is to me. Strange way of describing it but then who said I was normal right?

I wanted so badly this year to be a better year, but so far it really hasn't impressed me much. I will say I am trying to focus more on me. Maybe that's where we are all going wrong. Perhaps we should just think of ourselves and "put on our safety O2 mask before others". I think many of us caregivers focus on everyone else but themselves and I know how hard that is to change. I am the worst to take on everything for everyone at any time and its exhausting. So I am trying to get caught up, better organized, finally catching up to some movies I want to watch, and even bought myself an Xbox game. Now for many of you who don't know me, I haven't played a game system since Nintendo and Sega came out although I was the queen of Pacman and Donkey Kong once upon a time. I was pretty good at Super Mario Brothers too. Haha! I made myself a promise I would keep blogging and just putting it on my weekly "list of things to do". I am trying to keep up more on my facebook page, I taught myself to "tweet" (@Unclesamsmiss) in which I am quite proud of (yes, USM is not technically savvy; see above mentioned GPS comment) and planning on skipping town to see my sister who lives in AZ in which I haven't seen in years.

I am trying to do more things with  my sons albeit hard because I feel some of it should be done by/with daddy and he just can't do it. I realized my two younger sons, due to living in a rural area, have never ridden a bicycle which I hope to remedy soon (somehow). Leaves me wondering how the hell I will find the strength or the courage to teach my oldest son to drive who started Driver's Ed this semester. I honestly did try the whole "list positive things" on a piece of paper or journal bit that's been going around as a bit of therapy for Caregivers. I so far had a few positives like "we are all here", "we are all healthy somewhat", and the rest? Well, I had "I positively suck at the MEB stuff", "this list positively sucks", "I completely suck at Walking Dead on Xbox because I can't figure out the damn controller", "This list sucks" and "this list positively sucks ass". Perhaps that's why so many major organizations don't want to accept me as a writer....it's my award winning positive thinking isn't it? **cheesy grin**.  Hey, at least no one can accuse me of not being honest.

So here I am. 

Still alive.

Still trying to figure everything out and crossing off the things I don't understand.

Come On, 2013...

Mama needs a new lease on life. 

Recalculating, Recalculating, Recalculating,

  

Defending Your Life

The biggest challenges of living with someone who has injuries like PTSD and TBI, is the constant defending of the Veteran's life and that of ours. We sometimes live in silence due to fear of judgment of the outside world, in some cases, Child Services is a fear, and in others; the look of pity and the confusion that crosses people's faces when they don't really get it. Not too long ago, I didn't understand either and I try to be patient with people who show disdain or make judgmental comments albeit hard to bite the tongue. If not for me, deciding for myself and for my family five years ago...I wonder who would have educated me on such subjects? The outside world isn't the only ones we find ourselves in the defensive position. We must defend the injuries to the military branches and hope like hell they don't drop us over a large cliff somewhere, hoping we will just go away and not get back up. The promise of "The VA will take care of you my brother/sister" falls short and here we go right back into a vicious cycle of defense. We must then deal with the VA systems where many are finding they are having to fight for their rights and benefits promised to us and earned. In many cases, like that of Social Security Disability, some of us find ourselves facing hearings although the medical files are a zillion pages long.

We recently found ourselves in that exact position of trying to defend my husband's injuries to an attorney who had no idea what either injury was, or how it impacted his life and that of mine. I don't mind educating someone, advocating on these issues but there comes a time or two I wish that I could just walk in and say "He is a disabled Veteran with these injuries" and someone say "Oh no worries! I know all about this". Even our local American Legion VSO officer who is known for his shark like approaches and wins for Veterans, told my husband he was too young to give up and to get back on the horse and just ride it. "PTSD is just a nice way to say your depressed. Take a pill and deal with it". If only it was that simple......

I sometimes feel like the world just left us behind. I know during deployment that my husband had no other choice but to leave us behind in his mind because of his job. Time stopped for them but for many of us who survived deployment, it kept going slowly. It was always nice to drive down the road and see a fellow "Proud Army Wife" sticker on the back of a car, or a "Support our Troops" bumper sticker. For all those, it made the time worth it because I thought a bumper sticker showed pride, love of our country and respect. When they come home, the clock suddenly speeds up for all of us and we see that we just don't seem to fit in anywhere in time. Those we thought were friends have quietly withdrawn. We ourselves, have withdrawn into this safe haven we call home. After five years of this haven, it starts to feel like a prison. There are days where I drive down the road and I see my house that I fought for so hard to keep, we saved so many years for and represented a new life for us....and it now has an ominous look to it. It feels oppressive, suffocating and safe all at the same time.The bumper stickers we now see are faded from the sun, scratched off from many washes never to be replaced again. I sometimes wonder if that bumper sticker represents their pride still and respect? Or is just as faded, long forgotten and washed away from the sun and the rain?

I like to think of the positives and its probably my biggest downfalls as I am prepped by a past family who ran a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C when all else fails. When it comes down to say, the Social Security prep for the Hearing, and being drilled for five hours of grueling, bombarding questions of why we think my husband is disabled; it makes one think about all the wrongs that is in your life. We live in a certain lifestyle, we manage routines and structures, we try to be the best parents we can be even when one really can't do that. We deal with the obstacles, the ups and downs of emotions, the weariness of fighting all the time with the government and its become almost numbing and we then learn to do it almost by rote now. Mechanical movements almost with absolutely no show of emotions. To have an attorney not take the time to respect, show some sensitivity as she was portraying the Judge and how he will ask; was to say the least a little disheartening. I left that afternoon with a raging Veteran and a screaming three year old and cried all the way home. I have been put in certain positions and Lord knows had my share of stupid comments stemming from just ignorance, but never before did I feel like we don't belong anymore than I did that day. I felt horrible we had to put my husband through that, I felt ashamed and almost embarrassed for the attorney and most of all? I was angry.

It dawned on me that we just sat through five hours of defending our lives, to someone we are paying to defend us. It's difficult to pick apart your day, and to really look deep at what our Veterans do and can't do. To pick apart every little detail of what the spouse/family/caregiver does and then try to all of a sudden deal with the realization and try to defend it. It was five years all over again suddenly in front of the woman who is to defend my husband's rights and entitlements to Social Security Disability. Of course, I know much of this is a formality due to age. It's common knowledge that Social Security would rather pay out for an elderly person who might have ten to fifteen years left of their life span, than that of a wounded thirty something Veteran who will outlive the elderly person times three or more. Having to explain and defend our life just suddenly felt wrong, and we were both very vulnerable in front of her. I guess most of it is because we were one of those families that didn't get dropped off the cliff but thrown off. We fell in a crevice so deep it took us two years to get out. To be fair, the attorney didn't know our history. Didn't know the first thing about us except for our names and partial health history. It was just the fact we still to this day after five years, still keep defending ourselves.

To add all of this on top of the Medical Board, you then find you are defending yourself and your Veteran with the rest of the family. You find you are trying to explain to your children, then must deal with all the immediate family, in-laws, outlaws and the rest of the gang. Sometimes its tiring to hear how someone has a bad back, but Lord have mercy and "bless their heart" they are disabled and just can't expect to work. Someone else has cancer, or a bad car wreck...its the same "bless yer heart" and "what else can be expected of them?". With this though....its harder. Most of what I hear is "leave him". "Cut your losses and run". "I just don't know how you deal with it". Even with our Southern Appalachian twang, I hardly ever get a "bless yer heart". I still to this day wonder why that is? I find that I now stay away from having to explain it all over again to say, a non-profit organization. I know they don't know me, I don't know them and its just not worth the breath trying to get someone else to understand. The most that anyone has understood our lifestyle is those that live with it. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time finding those "others" close by although I can feel them nearby.  This leads me to some anger because I wonder why they can't step up, allow me to have someone nearby who is raising their hand with me. It's not that I am afraid of pioneering my way through a backwoods moo-cow town area, but God sometimes I wish I could just find someone.

Anger seems to fester quite a bit with me these days. Most of the time, I can walk away and try to focus on something else but it still is there. One thing happens and before I know it, I am angry about the last damn five years. I am hoping since I am receiving counseling, that is one of those things that I can work on as its just not me at all. I love to laugh, love to smile, love to talk and most of these I rarely do unless its with the right people. My defenses have been built so high I often wonder if I ever will be able to let them down? Or will they permanently stay up and how much will I miss if I keep myself closed off. Some of the comments made I can always deal with, shrugging them off with just raising my chin a tad bit higher. Some of them hurt to the core and those are a little harder to shake but I do it none the less. Explaining I can do, but with as much news and media is out there in regards to PTSD and TBI (minus all the negative crap) you would think people would pay attention. However, I have found that most people know more about the Kardashians or the infamous "Octomom". Why is it our society can worry so much about who wore what to the Oscar's, or what the latest gadget but yet, do not know that 1 Veteran in every 80 seconds commits suicide?

I think my frustration comes from having to try so hard to defend my husband and the reasons why I stay with him. Not from explaining his issues and not be ashamed of them, but feeling like I MUST defend us because there isn't anyone else there to speak out for us. Yet, "Octomom" seems to get front page Yahoo, and is one of the most "clickable" likes on Google these days. Some days I wonder if it will ever end, even after we leave the military and we finally get settled with Social Security and the VA. Or will we always be destined to defend ourselves to others and more importantly....trying to explain to ourselves that this is just the way it is and there's nothing we can do, than what we have already done. That is to keep going and survive.

Survival 101 Completed and Passed,  

Vacation Challenges, Weird Obstacles and New Lawn Care Records

This week has been filled with some weird obstacles and semi-frustrating challenges much of which has left me somewhat scratching my head. My husband has been relatively in a good mood, much of which I am not sure how to (a.) react to (b) makes me feel suspicious of him and then (c) has me somewhat torn inside because I know any minute he is going to blow. I really hate that we get so used to having our Veterans in bad moods that when they do come, we really don't know how to accept the good stuff. I know my ex-therapist would probably have a book he would tell me to read or maybe tell me to just enjoy it. Easier said than done. However, I know my "PTSD Pod Person" like the back of my hand. Some of the time, yes, the "beast" throws me a curve ball. Overall though? I somewhat have him figured out. Usually when the good moods hit, he has done something or wants something as he can be very manipulating when he wants to be. It's been that way since 2007. I probably really need to talk to someone new about my issues now. I know I am not crazy, but he sure has given me one hell of a good start!

The OCD I had mentioned previously has been in full force with such ferocity that he isn't able to focus on much else. This is what frustrates me because he can be so obsessed about a fishing rod that he wanted to submit for competition through Project Healing Waters, yet leaves his socks and underwear on the floor or other tasks unattended to. He will literally walk on top of this dirty clothes, not listen, not focus or have any attention on any other matters. He focuses solely on one thing until it's done and is pretty much all he can talk about. We can be talking about upcoming projects or the kids, then out of the blue...he has the look on his face. I ask "What's wrong?" He replies "Oh I was just thinking about that string that has come undone on my rod and if I will be able to finish it before Tuesday".

I am sure as family members, you can probably understand the term "deflate" when you realize then he hasn't heard one single thing you have said. Little things like that I should be used to by now, but with the fifth year in bringing new issues and other problems....things like this really bother me and slightly hurt. The other issue that I am seeing is the conflict of OCD fighting it out with the lack of focus, attention and of course, frustration. This can become a challenging battlefield to walk across with my Veteran and one that must be tread lightly upon. He finally finished his rod to turn in today which I am relieved over. I am extremely proud of his efforts and all the attention he put into it as it is indeed a beautiful piece of work. However, I will not miss the ranting and raving over one little tiny place that even the sharp eyes of our children couldn't see. I do regret all the attention he spent on it and such focus, that he forgot about his family.

"Keeping up with the Jones'" has become another challenge here as of late. It has been with good humor and out of love in the past for our elderly neighbors, to joke about who is mowing first. Now you must realize that we live out in moo-cow town with only three houses near by. We are sandwiched in between two elderly Veterans, one with PTSD as well. Bright and early with the roosters crowing (literally) you hear the lawn mowers begin. Since the Spring has come early and with warmer weather, the grass of course has taken on the attention of the men folk in our area. One neighbor mows, then maybe a few hours pass, the next neighbor mows. That creates a domino affect in which all of us then must mow so all of our yards are completely mowed. It is with deep concern that they then all convene and discuss mower issues, the latest John Deere mower parts or products and what should be the correct length in grass to be cut.

Now our elderly neighbors have tons of time on their hands and mowing, well seems to keep them preoccupied. I honestly wonder by Summer how it is they have grass at all. My husband and I just mowed and since the building of this house, we are still attempting to get grass growing in the back yard in some bare areas where the construction equipment laid. The yard looked great to me but when the firing of the motors began, my husband was itching. It started by him peering out the window shades every five minutes. He talked about the grass for four hours that day, debating why we shouldn't go out in the middle of an afternoon thunderstorm so our yard is just as mowed as the others. Don't get me started on the topic of dandelions.

I have to admit. I was kind of pissed. I really at this moment wanted to rattle his teeth, drive him out in the middle of nowhere and leave him, or maybe just walk away. I don't know why this bothered me so badly but damn, I have SO much to do here and trying to tackle it all on my own. I am tired, still fighting staph infection and trying to get things caught up and done. I guess I wished that focus was split up on other things than just the stupid yard or a fly fishing rod. I in the end, lost the battle and we mowed the yard anyway. It's like watching NASCAR racing on lawn mowers here and sometimes I just want to say "you know what? Screw the yard". I know its been hard on him being considered disabled and not allowed/able to work anymore so am trying very hard with my patience...but days like this can be the ones that make you cry and wish things were normal again. Days where he becomes frantic in motions, words and thoughts are the days that remind you how much you miss your "real" husband. Since getting the letter stating he was now 100% permanent and total, little things like this have turned into really big problems for him.

The next challenge we have had to face is dum dum duuuuummmm.....family vacation. Yes, the Mistress is about to embark on her family's first vacation together. An anonymous donor wanted to give two caregivers who were burned out (don't ask me how they know. I must really look bad these days) in our local area a weeks long vacation in Orlando, FL with all expenses paid. I am super excited for my children, super thrilled that we get to go...but damn, what am I getting myself into? The point of this is to relieve the tension and stress of the Caregiver. Yeah, go ahead and snicker while you ponder on that for a minute. 11 hours and 15 minutes will be the drive. The mileage is 666 miles (going to have to change that somehow), and then add in a paranoid, OCD, severe PTSD Veteran in the car with three kids and a service dog not to mention the "extremely burned out Caregiver" leading the crew. To me, its a recipe for disaster just because all the above mentioned but we are going to attempt it anyway. I am more worried about taking my husband than I am my small children and pre-teen. We won't be doing the big theme parks but decided to hit Lego Land as we are all fans, and Sea World through the week, ending with a ride up to Cocoa Beach and Cape Canaveral . I am hoping that my husband can behave and not ruin it. I hate to say that, but God, my children and I need this soooo badly. Every moment, every holiday, every good time, every laugh the kids mention "well until dad blew up" or "well, it was fun til dad screwed it up". For once, I really want this to go well and can only hope that my husband realizes this will probably be our first and only vacation with our children. He has missed so much already.


I want to wallow in their pleasure of seeing Sea World. I want to bathe in the sunshine and in their laughter. I want to see my husband in the pool with my kids and well, just be happy. Just once without any spells or incidents. With this trip, it has brought on more paranoid thoughts from him of leaving the house, people breaking in, tornadoes, more than likely the yard not being mowed for a week, and then of course the complete lack of focus on what needs to be done before we take this trip. I have had to pay bills, do a home visit by the VA, still have to get to the store, pick up medicines, pack for a family of five, make arrangements for my other little dog, lock up the house, clean and get the car ready. Then we must make sure all is packed, no one is going to kill each other in the car and making sure we have the FL VA information before we go just in case. All I can think of is "Please God...don't let us be the family that gets escorted out by Sea World Security" although that would make a hell of a blog wouldn't it? I am going to have faith though in him and try to be patient. With this trip, I have planned stops, breaks and plenty of down time as not to overwhelm him. So we are just going to have to see how it goes. I will be happy with a grumpy person than one who is constantly talking about what could go wrong for almost 12 hours.

This is the count down week as we go on Saturday and of course, the Army decides after four years...to start sending us paperwork to fill out for the PEB. I laughed out loud when I read the "I need this back in 2-5 business days". Readers, I have to tell you that I really wanted to email him back and say "I will get this completed in the next four years like you have made us wait. Get in Line buddy and take a number". With the lack of focus on my husband's part, every bit of this has me stressed out and already wore out...we haven't even left yet.

The PEB paperwork has me pretty scared especially since once reviewing carefully, this smart cookie figured out they had it all screwed up. I was nice enough to let our PEBLO know that I can be a thorn in someone's side and will ask a lot of questions after he sounded miffed that I called out the mistakes. Hey, he can't fault me for being honest but I realized this week you have got to stand up, not be afraid to confront and ask a lot of questions because they will screw you in a heartbeat. Now that our PEBLO and I are on a mutual understanding, I am freaking out a little because I don't know what I am doing at this point. It's easy to be firm, question and then confirm answers...but really kind of not sure of yourself on the inside. Paperwork was fixed but now its more confusing than it was before. I am to the point of turning off the computer and just waiting until I get back from our trip.

So with all that, I must close this post out and do some gathering for suitcases. I always tell myself that we will get things done ahead of time and this once, I was bound and determined to do it. The biggest obstacle right now preventing me from doing it is my husband and his cooperation. Am keeping positive thoughts in my head, fighting out the questionable and the "yeah right" thoughts of his "I really want to go"  and just this once? I am going to not worry about the damn yard. See you all in a little over a week as this Mistress will be reporting how it all went!

**Disclaimer**

 I am really not going to rattle his teeth or drive him out to the middle of nowhere and leave him, 

For the Love of a Vet: Most Asked Question To The Mistress

With life being so insane right now with Coordinators, advisers ( I may have more now than Obama has and still don't know what the hell I am doing), MED/PEB board, service dog, paperwork and school starting up....it's been difficult to answer and get caught up to all the emails. Since I had a battery of medical testing yesterday and under orders to rest, I thought I would take the time today to answer the most asked question that many of you have sent in:

How Do You Deal/Cope With A Veteran With PTSD, TBI, Issues?

Honestly, this is a question that is one that plagues us spouses on a daily basis and one that there really isn't a specific answer for. I have read the books, I have researched, and everything I have come across has different answers because like your question to me, I have asked that question to others. You could cram a room full of experts, therapists, and psychiatrists and still not get a single, mutually agreed upon and understandable answer. Now does all that researching, reading, exploring and asking make me some type of educated "know it all" on these issues? Absolutely not! Never claimed to be, never will be and to be honest with you readers...I am still to this day asking, exploring, educating and wondering myself how I deal with all of it! 

So after reading 58 emails this morning with this very question that eludes us all, I thought I could pass on what I have learned, what has worked for me, and what hasn't. May not be the answer you want, but it's all I have because every Veteran is different. Each of us has different stories, and will have different outcomes. In that same sentence, every spouse is different. What is common among us all is that we all have problems and varying degrees of issues/wounds but, as individuals, our thresholds are different. So what works for me, may not work at all for any of you.

1. Education: I know I brow beat all of you on this but in many emails I have received, the spouse admits that they don't know much about any of their husband's issues or diagnosis.  Almost everyone has a computer these days, and access to the internet. If not, there are libraries. Research. So what do you do with this knowledge? You will be surprised, but it changes the situation and you will learn how to best handle the counter-attack with your veteran. Education on these subjects will be your best coping tool that you will find. Why? Because you can't do anything but shy away from the unknown and you find yourself swimming in unfamiliar territory. First thing we do as humans is panic, defend and retaliate. This is NOT going to help you in any manner with your veteran. Once I learned as much as I could, I understood my Veteran better. You have to understand that many times, the Veterans don't even understand what is happening to them, let alone try to get their family members to understand. Once armed with knowledge, you can find ways to adapt to this new person who you are living with and that comes all on your own. Each of us will interpret this information and react differently. It's up to you though to know what you are dealing with.

2. Understanding the Veteran is NOT your old husband: At first, this whole mood swinging, yelling-screaming, foul-mouthed, foaming at the mouth stranger that came home to me, scared the hell out of me. After I educated myself, I understood the different processes they go through. How did I cope with this? I looked at my husband as many different individuals and named them. You will see me refer off and on in my blog posts about "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde" in which is his sudden in-a-good-mood man and then BAM! Pissed off and cussing man. You will see me refer to the "PTSD Beast" which is the monster side of PTSD when it rears its really ugly head and the talons and fangs come out. There is "Mr. Downer" for when he is depressed and flat lined, "Asshole" for the times where he is well, being an asshole. "Mr. Danger" for when his adrenaline seeking methods turn into stupid, self-absorbed and crazy ass antics he pulls. "Eugene" which is in reference to a donkey we met on a Wounded Warrior Wive's retreat in which I use to envision my husband when he starts hee-hawing and going off. My "Pod Person" that came home, isn't my husband. However, sometimes...some days, I see small glimpses of him and that right there is worth all the other personalities I must live with. Each mood and each day can be challenging, but try to find humor in it. Learn each mood, each personality and find what best fits YOU as the spouse when dealing with it. When the "PTSD Beast" rears its head, try one thing and if that doesn't work....keep trying until you get it right. You will eventually learn something that does work and most of that will be through trial and error. When "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde" shows up, I simply find other things to do or get out of the house. It's easier to walk away than be an unintended target for their anger.

3. Knowing that most of what is directed AT you doesn't mean it's FOR you: I had a hard time with this and often times, I still find that I get my feelings hurt when he yells and screams at me for something else. Over the last couple of years, I have learned to tune out most of it and try not to wear my heart on my sleeves. Easier said than done is probably what you are thinking. Understanding their wounds will help you accomplish this but will also allow you to see that they can't help but lash out. If you are there....you are/will be the target. I once had a therapist tell me that although they may seem like they are foaming at the mouth and ranting at you for nothing that you did or had control over, take that time to listen as they are often letting you inside without you realizing it. Everything is cooped up in that small organ called the brain and they don't know how to reach out or tell you that this made them angry, sad etc. Much of the time, they are scared. That made a lot of sense what she told me that because once I learned, I found that my husband in all his yelling was actually his way of opening up and letting me inside. Showing what they are feeling and how to express it in the appropriate manner is one of the biggest challenges because what we know as "normal" isn't in our worlds anymore. In this, you must learn to stand up straight, move the feelings aside, listen, and let them get it out. I usually find that once he is done, he is actually easier to deal with than letting it bottle up and explode. 

4. Being a part of their lives: Often we find when our veterans come home, we are suddenly living together but not really "together". I struggled with this as the relationship changes and it's very hard to find a place where each of us can mutually come together. As I learned, educated and asked questions...I found that my husband was actually more open to me because I was trying. Rather than fighting and yelling back, I tried to rely back on what I learned as my focal point to stand on even ground with him which helped tremendously. Again, learned through mistakes and trying again. By attending the appointments with my husband, showed him that I was still by his side and interested enough to learn to adapt to his disabilities. Learning to recognize their triggers is one of the biggest things. If you know that crowded places piss them off or if being in a particular situation stresses them out, then don't push it on them or force them to be in those situations. Finding resources that you CAN do together is a great way to help adapt into this new life. I found that by paying attention, learning what sets him off, learning what he can do actually helps him communicate with me a little more and we find a common ground we can stand on. If you aren't showing them that you care enough to go that extra mile to understand, they won't move an inch because in their minds....you aren't trying at all. It's very easy for you to be seen as the enemy and every little thing you do will be viewed in their mind's in huge blown out proportions. Often times, they are merely pushing your buttons, so you will be angry and that in turn punishes them. It's really a vicious circle and it's up to you to put a blocker in that circle.

5. Understanding they will never be the same person: This is one I find I still have trouble with and to this day, often my heart misses my old husband terribly. I recently was reviewing VA medical records in which he reported that he thought I was leaving and taking away his children, that I was poisoning his food, and that I was picking on him for no reason. It really hurt to read all of that because I couldn't understand WHY he would think such things of me! I know in the educated part of my brain that is part of the paranoia that comes with PTSD and that in his mind, he probably really does believe this. In the feelings part of the brain, it hurt like hell. Much of the time everything is about him or the world revolves around him, and often times we as the spouses lose that helping hand/companion that we had before war. He doesn't seem to care when the kids and I are sick, or if something happens in the family. He has just become numb and flat-lined. I just talked about this to a dear friend of mine the other night who quickly reminded me that in their minds, they just aren't capable of such things anymore. I guess what helps keep me going is seeing small glimpses of what he used to be. Occasionally, an acknowledgment or a simple I love you makes it worthwhile.

6. Knowing when to take care of yourself: Coping with our Veterans can literally suck the life out of you like a blood thirsty leech. Compassion and patience can go right out the window if you don't cling to it somehow someway. I have been really bad about NOT paying attention to myself and letting my husband control much of how my life is run. I decided that I didn't want to be just a "caregiver" anymore with PTSD and TBI ruling every little thing I do in my life, hence the blogging. This is my way to still have a part of me, but document our life and struggles in hopes that it helps others. I realized I was having some health issues and after a good hearty scare, realized I haven't been taking care of myself like I should have. I am still learning in this department because I am a giver and not a taker, but in living with such issues...you still have to have a life. Surround yourself with other spouses like yourself. You may think you are alone as many of you have written in to tell me and trust me, I hear you! I have small children and cows surrounding me and no one in the area who "gets it". However, with technology today, you can find other support groups online and although weird as it may sound....my friends live inside my computer. Hahaha! There are many support groups online such as the Wounded Warrior Wives through Operation Homefront who have chat forums. It's nice because not only are you seeing that you aren't alone, but can find answers, open up to other resources and the list goes on. There are retreats and resources out there, you just have to take the time to find them. I am trying to find myself more time for me, and just for me alone. If in all of this, I think this is one of my biggest challenges is to let go and give myself some attention. 

7. Setting and Knowing Your Own Limits: Out of all of this...this is the most important one and one that often leads to the question of how to deal. I have been through it all, and second chances have been given because I understood and was educated. Love will often blind you and also give in to second chances. However, I will NOT let my husband use me as a physical or verbal punching bag. I will NEVER allow him to hurt my children or someone else. I will NOT allow him to do everything he wants to do, disabled or not, and not face the consequences of his actions. I set guidelines and know my limits and most importantly his. Once those gets crossed, its best to walk away for each of us. I try to promote understanding of PTSD and TBI but at the same time, you can only take so much. So for those of you who write to me asking whether you should stay or not? I can't honestly give you that answer because I can't. I don't know what your situation is, I don't know how bad it is, or what you have been through. It would be crazy for me to even attempt to try to come up with some lame ass comment to your question. Best I can offer is this. You do what you need to do. If you aren't happy, and you have tried...sometimes you just have to walk away. It is ok to love someone and just not be able to be around them or hell, even like them. You know your own limits and what you can deal with and adapt to, and that's for all of us. You have to make the decision on your own and follow through with it. The Veteran must understand that there are limits to their behavior and often times, we all know that behavior can easily become volatile and dangerous. Don't stay because you might look like a bad wife, or "not supportive" as one person stated. If you have done everything you can, and things don't improve...do what makes you happy and most importantly, protects you and the children. 

So in closing this long winded "non-answer" to the most asked question that has been given to me, realize that I am just a spouse like you are. I am living with the same person, the same issues, and problems like you are. It's been a long path for us and one with many physical and emotional challenges, but you aren't ever alone. I think what keeps me going is just stupid, blind, adoring love for a man who went to war and never came home. There are parts of my "pod person" that I have grown to love and accustomed to, but I still grieve for things long gone. There will be many many bad days, and few good ones. I take one day at a time, prepare for the worst,expect a disaster and hang on to the smallest of hopes. I know that sounds depressing but I am sure many will agree that is all you can do. You learn from each day, and learn from the challenges. Take that wisdom and put it to good use. There isn't a manual, or a "break glass in case of emergency" box with all the solutions that many of you seek. It just simply isn't there. For the love I have for my husband, I would cross the ends of the world for but know in my mind....that he simply would not for me because he is no longer capable of doing so. However, I hang on to the tiniest glimmer when I see a part of his old self, and the hopes that I can find more of them that keeps me going. I hold on to hope period and as we go through each day, I discover more strength and wisdom about myself and other spouses than I ever had before. Learn to let go of the past, which is extremely hard....and move on from this point forward. There is no going back. I am a firm believer of the "if one door closes, another shall open" phrase we often hear as we have discovered that. 

I hope this helps someone. Again, maybe not, but its the best answer I have for these types of questions. It's one of the hardest ones to be asked because you have to stop and wonder "how the hell am I dealing with it?". It's not something you can explain, or teach...it comes through hard work, patience, and the belief that love and hope still exist. I stand my ground, I stand firm and I fight. I wake up, I let go of yesterday and deal with tomorrow when it comes. For each of you who wrote in, thank you for sharing with me and I wish I could have a "Here is what you do" words of wisdom for you. I wish there were such things. Just know you aren't alone, there are others exactly like you, and we are all facing problems just in different degrees. Just open up your mind, find your own strength and you will be amazed at what you can overcome.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. 

~Lao Tzu

National PTSD Awareness Day

Today, Monday June 27th, 2011 is National PTSD Awareness Day. The Mistress knows that many will probably look at this, skim over it and think "huh, didn't realize we had a National PTSD Awareness Day", then they will keep on trucking through their day.  We do have one thanks to our Senate who designated last year, June 27th, to be officially a day for nationwide awareness. So what does this day mean to many? Probably not much at all unless you are someone with PTSD, a Veteran with such issues or a family member of those affected. This day wasn't solely designated for military related PTSD but for all types of trauma related post traumatic stress. While it is a step forward, shame it took so long for it to finally make it a recognized awareness.

So for this day, the Mistress asks that you take the time to do something yourself to give part in creating awareness. Since 2007, I have been simply amazed at how far we have come as far as information is concerned for military families and outreach programs available. Programs or non-profit organizations that weren't even a twinkle in someone's mind are now full blown operating ones and that is thanks to those who weren't afraid to stand up and speak about it. It still blows my mind to see how many don't mind speaking up about their PTSD or their families these days, in such places as Facebook or twitter. Many families and combat veterans themselves have started blogging, which is in fact helping spread the word all over the world.

In recognition for our second annual National PTSD Awareness Day, the Mistress decided to take a few minutes and give my Readers some ideas that YOU can do to help pitch in with the awareness of such issues.

1.  If you aren't a blogger, become one: While there are many ideas given to us as veterans and family members coping with or living with PTSD, some things they offer as stress release techniques are not really accessible or feasible in our lives. I don't know about many of you, but getting a massage at the drop of a hat would be a luxury item in my lifetime! Then I have to worry about several things; leaving my husband alone or is it something he can and will participate in? Or, is it something we can afford and where the hell do I find the time to do such things! Anyone can write, and is something that can be done anywhere, anytime, and is a release from some of the stress. This ol' gal never would have thought in a million years that my writing it out, would have taken me so far! Now I know, I know...many say "well I don't want the whole world to know all about my problems! It's on the internet and everyone will know!". My answer is simply this: I wasn't born with the name "Uncle Sam's Mistress" you know. I write in a no named area, I leave names and cities out, and I do not write some things that I think could possibly harm my family. I was quite surprised to hear in a writer's guild several women discussing my website while waiting in line for lunch. They never knew that it was me standing right behind them and I like that! Very few and only ones that I feel comfortable with, know who I really am. Blogger.com and Wordpress are relatively easy to do and trust me, this woman is most definitely technologically challenged. You could be SGT PTSD or Mrs. Sally Jo Blankenship; whoever you choose to be. It's a good way to document things going on as well especially when you need to go back and reference something! Also, a good way to think about blogging is this: If our voices aren't heard, the harder it will be to get help. I know many fuss because some programs and help comes a little too late for us, but I don't want another person to go through what I have...so I am happy even if it means I can't use it.

2. Volunteer your talents and your time: So you are probably arguing with me right now on the time issue aren't you? Let's say your day is like mine. You might have 20 minutes where you want to kill someone or run into the bathroom and cry, just to get it off your chest. Take that 20 minutes and see what you can do with it. Many organizations, websites are looking for stories just like ours. Share it! You can click on such sites like the USA Cares banner above or click here and share your story. The more we share, the more others can eventually try to pitch in and help our challenges we face. Brannan, from Familyofavet.com, could use some good help with just smaller tasks such as taking brochures/fliers to the VA. This can be done and hey, more than likely this month, you will be there at one point or another. Check out her Grassroots tab for ideas on how you can help! There is also an article she posted on National PTSD Awareness Day as well on ideas on how you can help.

3. Pass on and share such links on your FB, twitter or email accounts. Some good ones are Familyofavet.com, Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives, Wounded Warrior Project. Instead of getting that second frappachino at Starbuck's or buying an overly pricey lunch, drop a few dollars in the "donate" box for these guys. If we all donated one dollar, imagine what that could do for some of these organizations!

4. Please pass on a story about this young veteran who is a purple heart recipient and who has been missing since last year. His family is desperate to locate him as any family would be! His story can be found here along with some photos. Passing on through such sites as Twitter and FB can reach a ton of people! Familyofavet.com  has a down-loadable flier with story and description of this veteran and it would take you just a few minutes to pass on. Your taking a minute to share this, might be another minute closer to finding this veteran.

5. For those who are NOT living with PTSD, take the time out to pitch in a helping hand. I don't know about many of the families who are reading, but some of our veterans have physical injuries that limit items such as mowing the yard or trimming the bushes. Even with mental injuries such as TBI and PTSD, these items can be daunting for a spouse trying to be superman and doing it all on her own. Give a call, and just see if there is something you can do for them. The best gift a dear friend of mine has ever given me are these kind of phone calls "Hey, I was wondering if I can steal the kids away for a little while to go to a movie or bowling". While that might not seem a lot to some folks, I can guarantee you that the families who are juggling PTSD and any other issues, this is a gift that no price tag can be placed upon. Offer to run to the store, clean up or perhaps give the spouse a break for a few hours so she may have time to run by and get that double scooped icecream cone with her groceries. Those little breaks are few and far between. Trust me, we won't ask for this but if you offer, our little hearts are going to go pitter-pat as you see nothing but elbows and ass running for the front door! Now for those that can't afford to offer much, offer support and a lending ear without judgment. The best thing ever given is just an opportunity of releasing that pressure cooker going off in the Veteran's or spouse's head!

Simple simple things. Nothing overly drastic, nothing overly time consuming, but enough to make an impact. Just by standing up and saying "We are the family of PTSD" or any other issues creates that first awareness. Many try to hide it and that's not going to help us in the long run. It's not going to help you at all by hiding it. Now I am not saying rent a billboard, stand out on the corner with written signs, but just standing in front of a mirror and saying to yourself  "yep, our family represents the very many and I am not ashamed" will be creating awareness for yourself and that my friends....is always the first step in fighting back.

I am a spouse of Military Combat PTSD. This is my family and we are not ashamed,

Crazy Being Home

I have always maintained that music surrounds our existence in these times and for every moment in life, there is a special song creating your very own soundtrack to your life. Normally, I don't advertise or promote anything unless a. I believe in it. b. it actually works and c. it's something I think my readers will find interesting. This particular post is going to be all three of these. I also have a personal take on this very subject, which makes it proof that such things are out there to help our Veterans and families. Anything that creates and pushes an awareness of PTSD and TBI gets the Mistress excited!

Mark Wills

In partnership with the non-profit organization USA Cares, Country music singer Mark Wills has stepped up and together, they are creating an awareness campaign for Post Traumatic Stress disorder and Traumatic Brain Injury. Together, they would like to push an awareness of the hardships and struggles our men and women in uniform deal with when coming home. Issues that we know, as Veterans and families, is becoming epidemic in proportions in our generation. When the news was released that on average, there are 18 suicides a day among our veterans, it saddened me to think that was their only way out and the military and VA systems are failing ALL of our Veterans. It made that bottomless pit and hollow feeling in my stomach because as you know, my husband wanted to commit suicide and tried.

I was intrigued about the email I received in regards to this PTSD and TBI campaign, but was more impressed over the phone call discussing the whole thing. I have to say that Jessica, at Lotus Nile (Music/Entertainment firm) treated me with kindness, respect and a genuine concern and belief in what they were trying to do. I find that most intriguing as I have seen some organizations or individuals who use the wounded to collect money, but you never really see what the money is going to. Several things piqued this girl's interest with this whole campaign. First, I love Mark Wills! Yes, the Mistress has to admit that I love his music, his looks and the fact he just seems down to earth. I adore the fact he has made more than seven trips to the Middle East to see our troops and perform, which there are only a hand full out of the entire music community who has done this. The "Crazy Being Home" campaign is dedicated to those who risked their lives for this country's freedom. I like the fact that Mark Wills genuinely cares and is concerned for our many military members coming home with such problems. I also, after speaking with Jessica, didn't get the feeling that this was for promotional purposes...it wasn't about money, it was about the awareness and helping an organization he believed in.

Second, my family was a recipient of one of the programs under the USA Cares mission; the Warrior Treatment Today program. This program helps give the Veteran the financial help they need to cover the costs of bills, rent, mortgage etc while they are in an inpatient program for these types of wounds. The biggest obstacle many military personnel have is being able to get the time off and usually unless they just have tons of time they can take, this is done without pay. No pay, means financial distress and can increase the symptoms of PTSD. My husband lost his job as you remember when the bottom fell out from underneath him and we had to have him hospitalized. We were still struggling to get our heads above water, and to be honest with you....this was the main reason he didn't seek out help in an inpatient program two years ago. We just couldn't afford to take the time out with no pay. USA Cares was and is a great program that I would highly recommend to anyone and have, along with writing about it.

This program is essential I think with those that are National Guard and Reserve Components who suddenly get shoved out of the ACU's and back into the civilian work force. Some of those, made more money while serving and depends desperately on those paychecks. Heck, who doesn't depend on any paychecks these days! I do recommend to check out the USA Cares program and if you do decide that this is something you want to apply for, apply in advance. There has been an increase in traffic for all non-profits these days due to the amount of so many military hardships coming back. Don't wait til your bills are close to being due because it can take a while.

Thirdly, the song "Crazy Being Home" is really really good! I like it, it's got soul...it speaks to you. I let my husband listen to it and he agreed that it really seemed to capture the feelings of those that have returned and trying to fit back in to society. We have experienced the whole finger flipping young adults, who seem to have no care in the world who they are flipping off. So it's not just a song...its a story. 

If you would like to listen to Mark Wills' new single  "Crazy being Home", you can listen here. Also, if you go to the website, Crazy Being Home, you can find up in the top of the site, a player. This player you can listen to the song and download the new single for free. The promo code that you will enter is home 2011. Enter your email and promo, then it will take you to download here. Also, what I have learned most of all from living with PTSD and TBI is we all have stories. Stories that are sad, full of loss and some anger but at the same time, full of courage, strength and love. If you would like to share your story, here is how you do it!

1. Top hand right side of the screen, you will see About, Contact and Journal. You will click on Journal   which will take you to that link.

2.There you will find in the box, Post Your Story Here which you will click on.

3. Fill out your information and share your story. Click Submit.

4. Now that you have submitted your journal entry, it is time to share your story. The goal is to
raise awareness and you can do that with your own personal link. In order to receive your
personal URL, follow the steps below. Your unique URL can be posted anywhere. You can email
it to your friends and family, or simply update your status on Facebook and Twitter.

Steps to get your own unique URL
1) After you have submitted your journal entry you will be brought back to the “Crazy
Being Home” Awareness Campaign page.
2) Scroll down to the bottom and enter your email address in the blue box
3) Press “get your link”
4) Check your email
5) You will receive an email with your own personal link.
6) Copy the link and post it for all of your friends and family to see
7) Throughout the campaign Mark Wills and USA Cares will be offering incentives to
encourage you in sharing your link and stories. Make sure to check back often!

I appreciate Mark Wills doing this and so glad that I am able to assist in such a worthy campaign. Please show your support by copying this URL link and pass it on to friends and family. You can also use this link to post on Facebook and Twitter or anywhere! Wishing all the best and special thanks to all who are involved and to those who get involved with this endeavor! Your stepping up means a ton to families across the board and I know in my heart, that with that first step..others will follow. The more awareness we can create, the more resources will come out of it to help our Veterans and their families.

Still Singing to the Song,