Defending Your Life

The biggest challenges of living with someone who has injuries like PTSD and TBI, is the constant defending of the Veteran's life and that of ours. We sometimes live in silence due to fear of judgment of the outside world, in some cases, Child Services is a fear, and in others; the look of pity and the confusion that crosses people's faces when they don't really get it. Not too long ago, I didn't understand either and I try to be patient with people who show disdain or make judgmental comments albeit hard to bite the tongue. If not for me, deciding for myself and for my family five years ago...I wonder who would have educated me on such subjects? The outside world isn't the only ones we find ourselves in the defensive position. We must defend the injuries to the military branches and hope like hell they don't drop us over a large cliff somewhere, hoping we will just go away and not get back up. The promise of "The VA will take care of you my brother/sister" falls short and here we go right back into a vicious cycle of defense. We must then deal with the VA systems where many are finding they are having to fight for their rights and benefits promised to us and earned. In many cases, like that of Social Security Disability, some of us find ourselves facing hearings although the medical files are a zillion pages long.

We recently found ourselves in that exact position of trying to defend my husband's injuries to an attorney who had no idea what either injury was, or how it impacted his life and that of mine. I don't mind educating someone, advocating on these issues but there comes a time or two I wish that I could just walk in and say "He is a disabled Veteran with these injuries" and someone say "Oh no worries! I know all about this". Even our local American Legion VSO officer who is known for his shark like approaches and wins for Veterans, told my husband he was too young to give up and to get back on the horse and just ride it. "PTSD is just a nice way to say your depressed. Take a pill and deal with it". If only it was that simple......

I sometimes feel like the world just left us behind. I know during deployment that my husband had no other choice but to leave us behind in his mind because of his job. Time stopped for them but for many of us who survived deployment, it kept going slowly. It was always nice to drive down the road and see a fellow "Proud Army Wife" sticker on the back of a car, or a "Support our Troops" bumper sticker. For all those, it made the time worth it because I thought a bumper sticker showed pride, love of our country and respect. When they come home, the clock suddenly speeds up for all of us and we see that we just don't seem to fit in anywhere in time. Those we thought were friends have quietly withdrawn. We ourselves, have withdrawn into this safe haven we call home. After five years of this haven, it starts to feel like a prison. There are days where I drive down the road and I see my house that I fought for so hard to keep, we saved so many years for and represented a new life for us....and it now has an ominous look to it. It feels oppressive, suffocating and safe all at the same time.The bumper stickers we now see are faded from the sun, scratched off from many washes never to be replaced again. I sometimes wonder if that bumper sticker represents their pride still and respect? Or is just as faded, long forgotten and washed away from the sun and the rain?

I like to think of the positives and its probably my biggest downfalls as I am prepped by a past family who ran a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C when all else fails. When it comes down to say, the Social Security prep for the Hearing, and being drilled for five hours of grueling, bombarding questions of why we think my husband is disabled; it makes one think about all the wrongs that is in your life. We live in a certain lifestyle, we manage routines and structures, we try to be the best parents we can be even when one really can't do that. We deal with the obstacles, the ups and downs of emotions, the weariness of fighting all the time with the government and its become almost numbing and we then learn to do it almost by rote now. Mechanical movements almost with absolutely no show of emotions. To have an attorney not take the time to respect, show some sensitivity as she was portraying the Judge and how he will ask; was to say the least a little disheartening. I left that afternoon with a raging Veteran and a screaming three year old and cried all the way home. I have been put in certain positions and Lord knows had my share of stupid comments stemming from just ignorance, but never before did I feel like we don't belong anymore than I did that day. I felt horrible we had to put my husband through that, I felt ashamed and almost embarrassed for the attorney and most of all? I was angry.

It dawned on me that we just sat through five hours of defending our lives, to someone we are paying to defend us. It's difficult to pick apart your day, and to really look deep at what our Veterans do and can't do. To pick apart every little detail of what the spouse/family/caregiver does and then try to all of a sudden deal with the realization and try to defend it. It was five years all over again suddenly in front of the woman who is to defend my husband's rights and entitlements to Social Security Disability. Of course, I know much of this is a formality due to age. It's common knowledge that Social Security would rather pay out for an elderly person who might have ten to fifteen years left of their life span, than that of a wounded thirty something Veteran who will outlive the elderly person times three or more. Having to explain and defend our life just suddenly felt wrong, and we were both very vulnerable in front of her. I guess most of it is because we were one of those families that didn't get dropped off the cliff but thrown off. We fell in a crevice so deep it took us two years to get out. To be fair, the attorney didn't know our history. Didn't know the first thing about us except for our names and partial health history. It was just the fact we still to this day after five years, still keep defending ourselves.

To add all of this on top of the Medical Board, you then find you are defending yourself and your Veteran with the rest of the family. You find you are trying to explain to your children, then must deal with all the immediate family, in-laws, outlaws and the rest of the gang. Sometimes its tiring to hear how someone has a bad back, but Lord have mercy and "bless their heart" they are disabled and just can't expect to work. Someone else has cancer, or a bad car wreck...its the same "bless yer heart" and "what else can be expected of them?". With this though....its harder. Most of what I hear is "leave him". "Cut your losses and run". "I just don't know how you deal with it". Even with our Southern Appalachian twang, I hardly ever get a "bless yer heart". I still to this day wonder why that is? I find that I now stay away from having to explain it all over again to say, a non-profit organization. I know they don't know me, I don't know them and its just not worth the breath trying to get someone else to understand. The most that anyone has understood our lifestyle is those that live with it. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time finding those "others" close by although I can feel them nearby.  This leads me to some anger because I wonder why they can't step up, allow me to have someone nearby who is raising their hand with me. It's not that I am afraid of pioneering my way through a backwoods moo-cow town area, but God sometimes I wish I could just find someone.

Anger seems to fester quite a bit with me these days. Most of the time, I can walk away and try to focus on something else but it still is there. One thing happens and before I know it, I am angry about the last damn five years. I am hoping since I am receiving counseling, that is one of those things that I can work on as its just not me at all. I love to laugh, love to smile, love to talk and most of these I rarely do unless its with the right people. My defenses have been built so high I often wonder if I ever will be able to let them down? Or will they permanently stay up and how much will I miss if I keep myself closed off. Some of the comments made I can always deal with, shrugging them off with just raising my chin a tad bit higher. Some of them hurt to the core and those are a little harder to shake but I do it none the less. Explaining I can do, but with as much news and media is out there in regards to PTSD and TBI (minus all the negative crap) you would think people would pay attention. However, I have found that most people know more about the Kardashians or the infamous "Octomom". Why is it our society can worry so much about who wore what to the Oscar's, or what the latest gadget but yet, do not know that 1 Veteran in every 80 seconds commits suicide?

I think my frustration comes from having to try so hard to defend my husband and the reasons why I stay with him. Not from explaining his issues and not be ashamed of them, but feeling like I MUST defend us because there isn't anyone else there to speak out for us. Yet, "Octomom" seems to get front page Yahoo, and is one of the most "clickable" likes on Google these days. Some days I wonder if it will ever end, even after we leave the military and we finally get settled with Social Security and the VA. Or will we always be destined to defend ourselves to others and more importantly....trying to explain to ourselves that this is just the way it is and there's nothing we can do, than what we have already done. That is to keep going and survive.

Survival 101 Completed and Passed,  

Veteran's Surplus-Guest Blog

We have quite a bit going on right now with Social Security Disability, MED Board and PEB. I have been meaning to get these guest posts on here for a while now, so going to start adding them in when I have too much on my plate. I welcome family members, Veterans and organizations that live, work, or help our Veterans and their families with PTSD and/or TBI. Please Welcome them all. ~Uncle Sam's Mistress

Hi everyone!  First, I want to say thank you to Uncle Sam’s Mistress for letting me guest blog on her site.  The project I’m here to talk about today, Veteran’s Surplus, is very near and dear to my heart.  Unfortunately, I am a tiny voice in the blogging world and haven’t been able to get it off the ground on my own.  I’m so grateful that USM is willing to let me use her platform to get the word out.

Before I go into the details of VS, I will tell you a little about myself.  My name is Brittany, I’m a semi-anonymous blogger at Delightfully Awkward.  My blog falls in the “daily rambles” category because I talk about pretty much any and everything.  Some are veteran specific issues, some are education related (especially lately, with graduate school drama), some are about being a Southern transplant (although not for much longer!)…you get my point.  But I’m not here to talk about myself.  I’m here to talk about my project, Veteran’s Surplus. 

Veteran’s Surplus is an idea that I came up with because I felt alone.  When my husband first joined the Army, I felt alone (this seems to be a pattern in my life, huh).  Then, I was blessed to find a wonderful (and large) online community of Army Wives who were my lifeline when I had no idea what was going on.  Once my husband ETS’d (meaning his contract ended), I hoped for a Veteran version of the same thing.  You see, my active duty friends no longer understood the position we were in.  The people who had once provided me with PCS and re-deployment were unable to help with the G.I. Bill or disability services.  We may not be active duty any more, but I assure we do not feel like civilians (and civilians can definitely tell we are not like them).  I often feel like I’m living in an odd limbo world, where I don’t quite belong to either sector.

So I created Veteran’s Surplus.  The goal of VS is to be a master “link list.”  Basically, I want anyone in the veteran community (veterans, veteran spouses, veteran children, veteran workers…anyone who deals with veterans) to provide a link to their blog here.  I will then put all of these blog links in one list, on the VS page.  I also ask that if you provide your blog link, you take the Veteran’s Surplus button and put it on your blog.  Then anyone who clicks the button will be brought to the VS page and have the opportunity to not only share their own blog, but to find other blogs (and people) who are dealing with the same issues.  Whether you are a blog that focuses solely on Veteran issues such as Uncle Sam’s Mistress, or you are a jumble of things that just happen to include Veteran topics (such as me), I highly encourage let’s be honest, I beg you to come link up.  This project means so much to me, and I think it could have a wonderful impact if done properly.  But I can’t do it alone- my one little blog is hardly much of a list!  I want to help bring the veteran community together, and I hope you will help me in that quest.

-Brittany

A Damage Control Confession for the US Army

I am going to write about this because after a long debate, a healthy cry yesterday and many questions to my dearest friend, Brannan, over at Familyofavet.com and to NotAlone.com; I came to the conclusion that there isn't enough said about some parts of living with PTSD and TBI. We bloggers pick and choose based on what we can say, who knows us, and whether we think its relative to our readers. Then we must debate the decision on whether we can write it out, find the right words that make sense, and do our best to hide the pain and the shame. I thought this particular blog, based on many emails and Facebook messages, relative. Some of you may judge me, some may be disappointed that I am admitting I don't have all the answers, and some may offer advice or criticize me for my confessions here. If that is the case, so be it. I will simply add it into my long and lengthy list of damage control that is my life right now.....

Love, Faith, Trust and Marriage all come with a cost I think when it involves the military. When your loved one comes home a changed person, and there isn't a physical scar to look at and blame....your world becomes upside down. You are challenged in so many ways that you never know what is "easy" or "normal" anymore. You find that the military just throws away what is broken, leaving the family to pick up what's left of the discarded pieces they sent back to us. The ones diagnosed with PTSD are far better off than the ones with the lame excuse of Personality Disorders that the military and the VA label soldiers to keep from having to deal with them. You become just another number and statistic in the VA system. It's just the way it is. There are good days, and then there are bad ones. There never seems to be a safe middle for all of us. "For better or for worse; In sickness and in health" is not only challenged in great lengths in your marriage but you find that you are constantly defending yourself and your wounded warrior against the outside world. It's easier for those to see physical wounds and say "Ohhhh I see. I'm so sorry. I appreciate your service." To the spouse its expected that "you just have to stick with it". When its not seen....you automatically see the question in people's eyes, the ignorance of the subjects spews forward, stupid remarks are made and then people are quick to judge. Then it's very easy to say "screw him/her and leave him/her". It's hard to explain but I always wonder if those would leave their spouses if they suddenly had cancer or a bad car wreck?

Our trip to Florida was wonderful. My husband did so well and much of the time I knew he was in pain but trying to cover it up for the sake of our children. I planned breaks, made sure everything wasn't overbearing or overwhelming but I knew he struggled. He didn't want to ruin this one memory and I know I was hard on him before we left for just that reason. Selfishly, I wanted this one week to be the best week we have had since the war. He kept telling me he didn't want to ruin our trip and just this once, give us this. I told him that if he felt overwhelmed, then we could just stay and not go anywhere. We could spend a lazy day at the pool at the hotel or maybe just take a nap. Something...anything to barter with the underlying beast that struggled to rear its head. I wanted to give my children the time of their life and a part of me was hoping that we could spend our evenings in the Florida sunsets and spend a little long, over due, quality time after the kids were in bed. This was our first family vacation and one that was given to us. One that we have never been able to take them on, and one that I know as a mother...we will never be able to give them again in my lifetime. Most children get to go to the movies, parks, have sleep overs...but not ours. We can't really even take them out to eat.

The week went smoothly with minimal issues, although quality time together didn't happen. Instead of de-stressing me as the gift was intended, it caused me to be more stressed out. I was so proud of him and made sure I told him how proud I was but in the back of all of our minds...we kept waiting for the explosion. I can't kid myself though I tried, I did see it in his face. I felt the tension, I saw the look of confusion and mental anguish but he kept telling me he was fine. I wanted to allow him freedom and some say on the trip so I trusted his "I'm ok". That was until coming home on Saturday. I can only guess that pinning it up for a whole week, struggling with the beast and fighting the demons off for a few days proved to be too much for him and Sunday evening...he exploded.

I will admit this, because everyone knows now as far as the VA, Unit, Federal and Recovery Coordinators etc. Sunday proved to be the worst episode, next to last year's suicide attempt, that we have experienced. I am ashamed to say that my husband hurt me, damaged our home, and when I reached out for help....the Sheriff's department came and arrested him. He was belligerent, confused, didn't know who he was or where he was, so angry that he was purple and spitting as he screamed, and crying like a baby all while laughing. I thought he needed medical treatment, the police felt differently. The Sheriff told me my husband was "off his damn rocker", so I guess the best solution was to throw him behind bars because well that helps doesn't it? (Note my sarcasm) The VA suggests that you call the Veteran's crisis line, and I tried many times only to find the number that I dialed led to a sex number for men. It could really..only happen to me. Of course, this isn't the VA's fault...it was my shaking hands and not being able to see with tears. It figures the time I get upgraded to a fancy touch screen phone and not knowing how to operate the damn thing...this sort of thing happens. The only thing next I could think was to call a friend who worked for the Sheriff's department and is a recently returned Veteran himself. Battle to Battle I thought with someone he trusted, could back him down...but he was so far gone by that point. I have to admit I didn't recognize my husband at all that night.

Last year seeing a gun in his mouth was easier to digest for whatever reason and I know that sounds harsh but there I said it. I think its because in "our" worlds, its somewhat become expected that eventually it will lead to a suicide attempt. Even if the Veteran doesn't have any tendencies, talk or mentions it...the family member automatically absorbs that protective state and expectations from the news and related organizations, groups and articles you read. After hearing for years how he wished he had died over there and not come home....it just didn't shock me as much to have to deal with that incident than it did this one. In the back of my mind, I knew that moment would eventually come and somehow I found the strength. I was able to help him and get him to the emergency room. I found the courage afterward and I stood up for him, all while being scared to death on the insides. I still haven't gotten over last year and now trying to reconstruct my feelings and thoughts on this episode.

While it was tough, extremely traumatic, and a difficult time....I dealt with last year better than this episode. This time I had no answers. I had no rock to lean against. This time I had no way out or in my panic mode, didn't have a clue what to do. There isn't an emergency manual or box that reads "in case of emergency break glass". I have prepped my children with safety plans, in which they remembered and followed through that day; but there just isn't enough preparation to give you that sense of everything is going to be ok.

As a courtesy, the Sheriff's department who hold many "once upon a time" friends now, kept him overnight in jail and to see if they could get him to calm down. They did refuse his medications, and would not allow his service animal to accompany him but because it was a welfare check called in on my behalf by his Veteran friend, he had no other choice but to go on a pending domestic assault. Sunday late evening, left me feeling so ashamed, confused, hurt and extremely embarrassed for the both of us. The wounds went much deeper than physical and my God the verbal part of the whole thing left me reeling. They still are. All I could remember was hearing the sound of breaking vinyl siding on the side of the house and the breaking of furniture outside while I was trying to frantically talk him down through the door. For the first time since the Army sent my husband's "shell" home, I was terrified.Through all that, I could not help but think of the woman from the MED board tell me that I wasn't trying hard enough. I wished I could have video taped it and sent it to her and said "Dear So and So, see how much you can try with this shit!"

Seeing the blue lights haul him away, I sunk to my knees and I started sobbing hysterically. I don't even remember my EMT friend coming and checking me for injuries. I just kept sobbing. It was fine at 1:30 that afternoon. He was doing great at 3 p.m. with nothing going on. I just kept thinking how did I miss all of it? How could I have not seen this coming? I am the first one to say physical abuse is NOT ok, and the one to tell others to get help and here I was...the victim. To be honest with you and looking back over the last couple of days...I handled the physical pain better than I did the verbal assault the PTSD Beast launched at me. It was a full out war leaving me with no way to fight back. A war in what I felt, was the safest place you could ever be in. A safe haven from the storm because I made it that way for him. I have spent the last five years making this battleground hold some kind of peace. It's all we can do as family. We did it alone with no help at all from the Army. I did it with no help from anyone.

So much hate came from him. I didn't and still don't understand. Much of his anger had nothing to do with me. Much of his verbal assaults had no ties to me. I couldn't understand where it came from. It's been five years since he came home and everything this family has done has been for him. We no longer have memories that aren't scarred, we no longer have our own identities, we no longer have friends who care, and we don't matter to anyone. The only real friends I have who answered my call in the middle of the night were friends whom I have never met face to face and literally live inside my computer. I have taken on the world for him losing everything I had that was important to me because I meant it when I said I loved him. We have been dropped in the cracks and forgotten about. We have been tossed in the trash by the Army with no care what happens to us later. We have been walked on by our friends and passed by when we were there for them. We have been told that we would be helped only to have those who promise, never return phone calls. Our unit just wants to cover their asses in front of Battalion. I don't care who reads this because its the truth. The flat, "oh great now all this is going to come down on me" tone that asks "how is he?" still resounds in my head from last year. This time, it was them calling us and asking my husband for the police report and charges. There was none to give them but the day after he came home, it was the wrong time to work him up and then demand paperwork we didn't have, and not once....did they ask if we were ok.

I don't even recognize myself anymore. This Mistress who stood proud, who took on not just our VA, but the entire system. The one who stuck her chin up and took on the US Army, the Marines, and the Pentagon. The one who still stood tall when our unit I worked so many hours for, threw us to the side and treated us like lepers when my husband couldn't serve anymore. Yet, the one person I could not handle or take on...was my own husband who views me as his worst enemy. It is a defeat in its own when you can't fight PTSD or love them enough to help them. Although you try and try, its just not enough. All I could think Sunday night was how could I have handled that episode differently? Was I to blame? Was that vacation really worth it? What could I have said to him to make it better? I have waded through oceans of paperwork, spent thousands of hours on the phone, fought until I was exhausted, took care of everything all while taking blows from the outside; just to protect my family. Right now? All I can think of now is...Damn you Uncle Sam. Damn you U.S. Army. Damn you all. YOU LEFT ME ALONE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL.

My husband was placed in hold overnight but with no charges that will stick. The District Attorney understood the situation and told me I was doing a hell of a job. All I could was smile at him thinly and think "must not be doing that great of a job". The sheriff's department entered that he had no memory or no idea where he was during this moment, and he really didn't. He was there physically but somewhere his mind was just completely gone. An agreement was reached that no bail/bond was needed and that he was court ordered to go into counseling more than once a week. It's been a long time coming. He has refused to talk about Iraq, talk about what is bothering him, and maybe this is what he needed. I walked up to the podium after the judge asked me about releasing him into my custody, with no charges and I stood proud. Among child killers, child abusers and molesters, a murderer of six, a seven time offender, a drug user who killed a prostitute stood my husband white faced, shaking and in shackles and chains.

I don't know what was more horrifying; dealing with Sunday or seeing his head hung low and tears falling. I wanted to go up there and smack him upside the head. I wanted secretly inside to just walk out and let him be fed to the wolves for all the hell he has put me through. When his name was called though, I just couldn't. I caught his eye and the tears falling and knew then...no matter what, he needed help. He didn't belong in chains and a orange jumpsuit. He needed a therapist and a psychiatrist, not just pills. I stood up for my husband and I once more helped him out.

With a mediator involved, medications in him and a good hot meal....I told my husband that would be the last time his hands ever hurt me. He would go to counseling not just to keep him out of jail or fear of charges brought against him, but to get help and to continue it long term. If he doesn't follow through, I will no longer be there to help him. I explained to him that I just couldn't keep picking up the messes he made and go on with a smile. I know my husband can trust me, and knows I will always be there to have his back. I will NOT carry him though and Monday I told him until he does something for himself, my hand will not be there anymore to hold his. I think being there and seeing where he could end up, if had not been a lenient judge...honestly scared the hell out of him and into treatment. Looking back over the past couple of days and listening to him to talk with the VA, I think perhaps this was the best thing that could have happened to him. He has given in to the beast without a fight and not even tried. My husband has never been in trouble, not even a single speeding ticket. To go through all of that with his dissociation and paranoia at an all time high, hopefully will put a boot up his ass that I couldn't find large enough to shove him in the right direction.Trying to fight back is all I have ever asked for.

He can cover and hide very well, using manipulation when needed. The lying, the sneaking around, the garbage disposal of a mouth, selfishness, self pity all has to be worked on and those are my demands right now. I guess we will see whether he will follow through. So far though he has been on the ball and working more with his service animal. He has always worked him but not with so much interest and fervor like he is now. I am hoping he has seen the light perhaps being in the back of that car and in jail. Hoping that he saw a sign that he is literally at the end of the road where I can no longer lead him.

I have since been in a fog. I can't seem to process much of what's going on right now with everything. Social Security must be trying to set a record hearing date, as they scheduled one within four days. It's been a blur trying to get MED board stuff done and then dealing with the VA to get him help. Unfortunately, it took the VA hearing he got arrested to get serious about getting him treatment. I guess I should thank them for being on the ball on Monday, but inwardly I wanted to scream at them "Is THIS what you needed to see? Is this how it's done?" Its been years we have asked for help and that medications weren't helping. I am starting to wonder if they are even listening to us family members and jokingly to myself, I could see them probably labeling us with personality disorders. I finally broke down and admitted to needing help/counseling for myself and while I am at it, getting some for my children through Not Alone.org which have been very kind to me. Family of a Vet of course, is my family and has been there all the way this week. I don't know what I would have done without them.

There is no point to this particular blog. I don't really have a purpose or a story to tell, except that I feel alone. No one wants to talk about this part of it. I will suck up the shame, bite the embarrassment, hold my head up high and be the first to talk about this in first hand experience. Mostly because right now? I feel like I am the only one going through this although the smart part of my brain knows better. I know there are more of you out there. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I don't know all the answers and I feel like a fake as many of you think I do. Truth be told, I am just learning as all of you are. Only difference is I put it out in words. I am hoping that my husband will take this and go with it. I think having that personal scare and going through what he did, will give him a new direction that I just simply could not. After that? Who knows....I guess we will take one day at a time and one hurdle as they come. It's all we can do right now. I don't know how to move forward from this, or even if I can stop the words that he said from echoing in my head but I am not giving up on him. Most of all, I am not giving up on myself. It's more than I can say for the government and the Army who just walked away from all of us.

Still Seeking the Calm After The Storm,

Vacation Challenges, Weird Obstacles and New Lawn Care Records

This week has been filled with some weird obstacles and semi-frustrating challenges much of which has left me somewhat scratching my head. My husband has been relatively in a good mood, much of which I am not sure how to (a.) react to (b) makes me feel suspicious of him and then (c) has me somewhat torn inside because I know any minute he is going to blow. I really hate that we get so used to having our Veterans in bad moods that when they do come, we really don't know how to accept the good stuff. I know my ex-therapist would probably have a book he would tell me to read or maybe tell me to just enjoy it. Easier said than done. However, I know my "PTSD Pod Person" like the back of my hand. Some of the time, yes, the "beast" throws me a curve ball. Overall though? I somewhat have him figured out. Usually when the good moods hit, he has done something or wants something as he can be very manipulating when he wants to be. It's been that way since 2007. I probably really need to talk to someone new about my issues now. I know I am not crazy, but he sure has given me one hell of a good start!

The OCD I had mentioned previously has been in full force with such ferocity that he isn't able to focus on much else. This is what frustrates me because he can be so obsessed about a fishing rod that he wanted to submit for competition through Project Healing Waters, yet leaves his socks and underwear on the floor or other tasks unattended to. He will literally walk on top of this dirty clothes, not listen, not focus or have any attention on any other matters. He focuses solely on one thing until it's done and is pretty much all he can talk about. We can be talking about upcoming projects or the kids, then out of the blue...he has the look on his face. I ask "What's wrong?" He replies "Oh I was just thinking about that string that has come undone on my rod and if I will be able to finish it before Tuesday".

I am sure as family members, you can probably understand the term "deflate" when you realize then he hasn't heard one single thing you have said. Little things like that I should be used to by now, but with the fifth year in bringing new issues and other problems....things like this really bother me and slightly hurt. The other issue that I am seeing is the conflict of OCD fighting it out with the lack of focus, attention and of course, frustration. This can become a challenging battlefield to walk across with my Veteran and one that must be tread lightly upon. He finally finished his rod to turn in today which I am relieved over. I am extremely proud of his efforts and all the attention he put into it as it is indeed a beautiful piece of work. However, I will not miss the ranting and raving over one little tiny place that even the sharp eyes of our children couldn't see. I do regret all the attention he spent on it and such focus, that he forgot about his family.

"Keeping up with the Jones'" has become another challenge here as of late. It has been with good humor and out of love in the past for our elderly neighbors, to joke about who is mowing first. Now you must realize that we live out in moo-cow town with only three houses near by. We are sandwiched in between two elderly Veterans, one with PTSD as well. Bright and early with the roosters crowing (literally) you hear the lawn mowers begin. Since the Spring has come early and with warmer weather, the grass of course has taken on the attention of the men folk in our area. One neighbor mows, then maybe a few hours pass, the next neighbor mows. That creates a domino affect in which all of us then must mow so all of our yards are completely mowed. It is with deep concern that they then all convene and discuss mower issues, the latest John Deere mower parts or products and what should be the correct length in grass to be cut.

Now our elderly neighbors have tons of time on their hands and mowing, well seems to keep them preoccupied. I honestly wonder by Summer how it is they have grass at all. My husband and I just mowed and since the building of this house, we are still attempting to get grass growing in the back yard in some bare areas where the construction equipment laid. The yard looked great to me but when the firing of the motors began, my husband was itching. It started by him peering out the window shades every five minutes. He talked about the grass for four hours that day, debating why we shouldn't go out in the middle of an afternoon thunderstorm so our yard is just as mowed as the others. Don't get me started on the topic of dandelions.

I have to admit. I was kind of pissed. I really at this moment wanted to rattle his teeth, drive him out in the middle of nowhere and leave him, or maybe just walk away. I don't know why this bothered me so badly but damn, I have SO much to do here and trying to tackle it all on my own. I am tired, still fighting staph infection and trying to get things caught up and done. I guess I wished that focus was split up on other things than just the stupid yard or a fly fishing rod. I in the end, lost the battle and we mowed the yard anyway. It's like watching NASCAR racing on lawn mowers here and sometimes I just want to say "you know what? Screw the yard". I know its been hard on him being considered disabled and not allowed/able to work anymore so am trying very hard with my patience...but days like this can be the ones that make you cry and wish things were normal again. Days where he becomes frantic in motions, words and thoughts are the days that remind you how much you miss your "real" husband. Since getting the letter stating he was now 100% permanent and total, little things like this have turned into really big problems for him.

The next challenge we have had to face is dum dum duuuuummmm.....family vacation. Yes, the Mistress is about to embark on her family's first vacation together. An anonymous donor wanted to give two caregivers who were burned out (don't ask me how they know. I must really look bad these days) in our local area a weeks long vacation in Orlando, FL with all expenses paid. I am super excited for my children, super thrilled that we get to go...but damn, what am I getting myself into? The point of this is to relieve the tension and stress of the Caregiver. Yeah, go ahead and snicker while you ponder on that for a minute. 11 hours and 15 minutes will be the drive. The mileage is 666 miles (going to have to change that somehow), and then add in a paranoid, OCD, severe PTSD Veteran in the car with three kids and a service dog not to mention the "extremely burned out Caregiver" leading the crew. To me, its a recipe for disaster just because all the above mentioned but we are going to attempt it anyway. I am more worried about taking my husband than I am my small children and pre-teen. We won't be doing the big theme parks but decided to hit Lego Land as we are all fans, and Sea World through the week, ending with a ride up to Cocoa Beach and Cape Canaveral . I am hoping that my husband can behave and not ruin it. I hate to say that, but God, my children and I need this soooo badly. Every moment, every holiday, every good time, every laugh the kids mention "well until dad blew up" or "well, it was fun til dad screwed it up". For once, I really want this to go well and can only hope that my husband realizes this will probably be our first and only vacation with our children. He has missed so much already.


I want to wallow in their pleasure of seeing Sea World. I want to bathe in the sunshine and in their laughter. I want to see my husband in the pool with my kids and well, just be happy. Just once without any spells or incidents. With this trip, it has brought on more paranoid thoughts from him of leaving the house, people breaking in, tornadoes, more than likely the yard not being mowed for a week, and then of course the complete lack of focus on what needs to be done before we take this trip. I have had to pay bills, do a home visit by the VA, still have to get to the store, pick up medicines, pack for a family of five, make arrangements for my other little dog, lock up the house, clean and get the car ready. Then we must make sure all is packed, no one is going to kill each other in the car and making sure we have the FL VA information before we go just in case. All I can think of is "Please God...don't let us be the family that gets escorted out by Sea World Security" although that would make a hell of a blog wouldn't it? I am going to have faith though in him and try to be patient. With this trip, I have planned stops, breaks and plenty of down time as not to overwhelm him. So we are just going to have to see how it goes. I will be happy with a grumpy person than one who is constantly talking about what could go wrong for almost 12 hours.

This is the count down week as we go on Saturday and of course, the Army decides after four years...to start sending us paperwork to fill out for the PEB. I laughed out loud when I read the "I need this back in 2-5 business days". Readers, I have to tell you that I really wanted to email him back and say "I will get this completed in the next four years like you have made us wait. Get in Line buddy and take a number". With the lack of focus on my husband's part, every bit of this has me stressed out and already wore out...we haven't even left yet.

The PEB paperwork has me pretty scared especially since once reviewing carefully, this smart cookie figured out they had it all screwed up. I was nice enough to let our PEBLO know that I can be a thorn in someone's side and will ask a lot of questions after he sounded miffed that I called out the mistakes. Hey, he can't fault me for being honest but I realized this week you have got to stand up, not be afraid to confront and ask a lot of questions because they will screw you in a heartbeat. Now that our PEBLO and I are on a mutual understanding, I am freaking out a little because I don't know what I am doing at this point. It's easy to be firm, question and then confirm answers...but really kind of not sure of yourself on the inside. Paperwork was fixed but now its more confusing than it was before. I am to the point of turning off the computer and just waiting until I get back from our trip.

So with all that, I must close this post out and do some gathering for suitcases. I always tell myself that we will get things done ahead of time and this once, I was bound and determined to do it. The biggest obstacle right now preventing me from doing it is my husband and his cooperation. Am keeping positive thoughts in my head, fighting out the questionable and the "yeah right" thoughts of his "I really want to go"  and just this once? I am going to not worry about the damn yard. See you all in a little over a week as this Mistress will be reporting how it all went!

**Disclaimer**

 I am really not going to rattle his teeth or drive him out to the middle of nowhere and leave him, 

All I Want For Christmas: Response to a Reader

On my last post of More Than Just The Turkey Spared, there were a couple of comments from Veterans and a Spouse that really made me think on how I wanted to approach this next blog. I am going to answer the comment left by Red Cell and hopefully answer all the others in that same response.

His comment,"Where to start...I despise the holidays now. I cannot go shopping with my wife, for presents for our kids anymore. There is no way that I would be able to handle the crowds. I would get in a fight with someone else or ruin it by fighting with the wife. I cannot handle the crowds, I lose it". He went on to say "I have lost my relationships with my mom, my sister, and my step-mom. They choose to believe that PTSD is not real and I am just acting like an a**hole. They do not come around anymore. I was estranged from my mom for 3 years, that all changed when her dad died. Now we are trying to build a relationship that is full of misconceptions and anger. She doesn't understand she is a stressor, how do you tell her? How do you forgive things that happened? It is hard and all the demons from the past and the anger takes over. I have not seen nor talked to my sister in almost four years. She has no contact with my kids, unless they are on their two week visit to my mom's in the summer. The only thing I want for Christmas is to be my old self. I want to go back to Iraq and find the old me. Find where I died and this doppelganger was born. I want to find where I lost my love of life and where all this hate and discontent came from. I walk through each day not feeling or caring.I get out of bed and cannot wait until I can get back home, that is where I am truly safe. Where I don't have to worry about losing my mind. What is wrong with me? How do I fix it? That is what I want for Christmas. To be Normal."

There were several more in regards to family, holidays and many towards just surviving. Now in staying true to my self, I am going to be blunt and honest, with no professional advice of course, given. I think all of us have struggled and still continue to struggle with such issues with the holiday season. First, I would like to state that since reading your comments, especially RedCell's, my heart hurt and I wished I had all the answers. I really really do. I don't have all the answers as we are still seeking, searching, and learning every day like all of you. Red Cell, you know what is wrong with you and you have a loving family right behind you. You can lean on your wife for support, and she is there to hold your hand but she can't carry you. You have to be willing to fight back, and fight hard. Only you can do this, but it will take you and your family to stand tall, stand strong and stick together. The holidays are stressful for all of us so I understand where you are coming from not only as a family member but you sound so much like my husband. I have thought long and hard and here is what I came up with for you and you can take it or leave it, because I am just answering as a friend.

• You need to let the past go with family. If they are stuck on believing what they want, there is nothing you can do to change that and you will only end up hurt more in the process. Why not this year, take some time off from worrying about what they think and just concentrate on your wife and children? Life is too short to worry about what happened in the past. Letting go is one of the hardest things to overcome but you will spend all your time trying to make up for things that just can't be done and all that rage on something that can't be changed. If you wish to rebuild your relationships, you are just going to have to say "Ok, I am going to let all this go and from this day on, never look back". I don't know much about your past, so its hard to give you an answer on this. I simply have come to the conclusion on some family members, that it's their loss. They are the ones missing out and that is their choice. Start by fixing your family in your home, then when you feel ready to tackle one more on the outside, then take baby steps. Maybe just pick up the phone and say hello. This way, at least YOU know you tried. Rather than waste time being angry at family, relish in the love of your children and your wife this holiday season. I know it hurts, and I have been there and definitely done that. In my opinion though, it just makes me love my immediate family that much more.In this world we all live in now, families included, we must take one day at a time and expect bad days to show up. We hope for better ones and hang on to those days like nobody's business! As a spouse, I am going to give you some ideas that I would think would help you out.

• Know that everything this holiday season is going to include screw ups, arguments and bad days. That is normal and I am sure your wife knows this. However, there are some things you can do to deter this and pitch in. You might not be able to leave the house, or feel safe on the outside, but you are not dead or helpless and there are things you CAN do from your comfort zone. The one thing you need to start doing is to kick this PTSD in the ass by fighting back. Whether that be through more therapy, organizations that offer different activities to get you back in the real world, like Project Healing Waters, or just socializing with old friends by having them over to your home. Baby steps. Don't set expectations so high that you fall immediately but set small ones each day, on a goal list, and cross them off as you go. 

• I don't expect my husband to go shopping with me. Holy Hell, it's scary out there to me! I don't want to do it and often times, budgeting and spending money we can't afford, makes me stressed out. What do I want the most from my husband and this also came from many other wives....we just want you as the Veteran to acknowledge us and that we did do it all. Maybe a "Wow baby, I can't believe you did all this! You are amazing!" would be a huge step for you and your spouse. She would probably fall over in shock! You obviously know that she is doing a bulk of it and you recognize you are missing out. She is missing out too. Stop a minute to acknowledge her, darlin', and this will help relieve much of her stress and yours!

•  Ok, so you are missing the fun and joy of picking things out for your children by staying home and that I understand. However, why not order online and do the store pick up thing? Sit your wife down on a good day for you, and explain to her that you are missing out and would like to help her whether it just be pick something out by yourself or sitting side by side at the pc. You can still help shop, she can pick up and I bet you that taking the time out for her, and just sitting with her, would be a beautiful thing. It is also helping you because you are taking the initiative to do something, ergo fighting back. Have you really ever stopped to just talk with her like this comment you made to me? Often times, Veterans don't communicate very well and we often just know you guys are angry as hell. Maybe stopping her one evening when its quiet and say "I really want to help with the shopping, I want to do something. I just can't go out and it scares me. Is there something I can do by computer to help you or something around the house I can do to help you out?"  The fact you are talking with her, sharing your feelings, and wanting to help will really help both of you. 

• Now, with the holidays the spouses are usually stressed out to the max. Not only are we dealing with our kids, family members, holiday expectations but we are also dealing with some Veterans who feel the way you do. Remember when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy! Run that woman a hot bubble bath and light a candle, or put on some soft music! Shopping, wrapping and normal household duties are tiring and stressful. If you stopped while you are at the house and cleaned, picked up, started supper, and just pay attention to your wife...this would make her very happy and feel that she is getting some much deserved attention. No buts, no can'ts, no excuses....you can do this sort of thing if it only means unloading the dishwasher, or cleaning the toilet.  You CAN do this and remember that somewhere between all this is going on with you, that often family members and spouses get left behind.

• Take a second and do something from home for your family just to let them know you care. If your wife is cooking, offer to help whether it be peel potatoes, putting sprinkles on the cookies, or washing dishes whatever! Often times, the silence of my husband can be extremely hurtful and deafening. Sometimes, when he just comes in the kitchen and pulls up a chair and sits with me while I cook is the greatest sound I ever heard. It's those little things that remind me how much he loves me. 

• On those evenings when the home is stressful and you know your wife is gonna blow...pick up the  phone and call in a pizza to have it delivered. Tell her that she is going to take a hot bath, you will watch the kids and that you have supper on the way. Let her know you want to help. Offer to get the young ones into bed, have your pizza together and play some cards. 

• So you can't leave the house but you got to start trying little things to get back out there. That's all there is to it. Most of us have Netflix or Blockbuster now, or there are those Red Boxes rental things all over the place. If you panic about going into crowded places, check out Red Box site and choose the one that is closest to you. Rent a sappy chic flic or something you know your wife will like. There are some good ones out there that both can enjoy. If you can make it to a rental store, go early on a Wednesday or Thursday when the store is less busier. Bring home a movie and snuggle in with her or one with your children. 

• Fix your wife a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows, maybe even some extra ones, for no apparent reason at all. If nothing else, a hot cup of tea or some hot popped popcorn while watching the movies. 

• So you can't get out in the crazy world and shop, but I bet you CAN wrap presents! If your spouse has already bought, then share in the joys of wrapping those gifts for your children. Best wrapped gift I ever got was years ago when my husband used a pocket knife and duct tape. It meant the world to me because he tried, and that is all I ever asked for. Help her if you can't wrap, by handing her pieces of tape or putting the bow on top. You may despise the holidays, but try to remember that this is your inner demons coming out. Fight that by remembering that not everyone in your family does. Do this for them and for yourself. Taking on these small challenges for yourself to do for your family, is going to bring you that much closer to finding your old self.

• For those asking about family and how to nicely tell them to back off, using swear words probably isn't the best way to handle these types of situations. Come on guys, ya'll ought to know your mamas ain't gonna take it lightly!  Some suggestions from Facebook readers were to simply explain to them nicely but firmly, that you are starting your own family traditions. Others said they spread it out over the month and they found that its not so overwhelming. If your spouse is adamant about it, explain to her why they bother you so much and that you need some down time or an escape plan to go be by yourself. I think using honesty with your family members, even if it is hurtful or not what they want to hear, is always going to be the best way to go about it. Don't expect to be mean to your spouses, and then demand she explain to the rest of the family why you can't do the holidays. She is your biggest fan, and one that takes the most crap. You guys think you have it hard, but you have no clue how hard it is for us. I never understood why my husband could take on the bad guys in Iraq but couldn't talk to his mother. His explanation to me was "Well, we never used words with the bad guys". I get that, but I also know that this puts me in a very bad situation and predicament, as well as makes me look like the bad guy most of the time. There are going to be hurt feelings, but you have to do what you have to do to get through it and on your own terms. It wouldn't be any different than someone with say cancer, having a car wreck, or some other debilitating illness or disabilities that caused them to change and prevent them from entertaining and living up to family expectations. If they don't understand, well they just don't understand. 

• Lastly Red Cell, many Veterans feel the same way you do about going back over and trying to find where they "died", or where they left themselves behind. You aren't alone and often, many spouses wonder and feel the same way. Honey, I am going to be honest and say that if you left tomorrow and went back...I don't think you would find anything at all. I wish you could. I do know this, that there is not a day that goes by I don't see a small part of my husband's old self somewhere through the day. You are still in there, somewhere...but just a little lost. It's easy to get overwhelmed, lose patience with yourself and then give up. Only you can fight those demons and its going to take time, patience, and working at it through therapy and such. We know the VA sucks, but there are other places you can go like the Vet Centers, Give An Hour, and many others. You can use your health insurance and go out on your own. Continuous therapy, not just haphazard, here and there, therapy, is going to be a huge step and process for you. However, I think you can do it. The question really lies in this....are you willing to try and get your old self back? Don't put so much pressure on yourself for the holidays and set expectations that are reasonable. Communicate with your wife so she knows and can do the same. Try to remember that this Christmas and many more, your children will look back on and remember. Ask yourself is this how you want your children to remember? So when you feel upset, cornered, unsafe, take a second and look at your children...then breathe. Find somewhere to go in your home that you can take a minute to collect yourself, give your anger level a quick check and a minute to chill.

I hope this helps you some and the rest of you who are looking for some possible answers. I don't have them all but from hearing so many stories, questions, and emails....these answers are coming from both sides of the house. We all know the sacrifices that have been made, and that we will continue to fight the war here at home for a long time....but know that you are here, you are loved, and you are safe. Remember the real reasons behind the Christmas season, allow yourself to enjoy it, and for those who have children, relish these moments as they go by fast. Take a moment to believe in hope, love, family and faith. I hope that next year brings bigger and better things for all of us.  Merry Christmas Red Cell...I hope this season finds you comfort, peace and sincere joy.

I Still Believe,

 

Easy Does It

In the past few months, it's been slightly overwhelming for me. I am starting to recognize the signs of serious stress and for the first time, am going to put myself first for a while. That will mean, standing my ground, and allowing myself not to feel guilt and to place a few things second. My health is also not doing very good and of course, that is my biggest fear as a mother and caregiver. My fear of, who will care for them, always strikes an uneasiness in this ol' gal. After some careful deliberation, advice from good friends, consideration of my health, upcoming surgeries, and the willingness to place myself first, there will be some changes. With the holidays coming up, I am trying to get some down time before my surgeries and of course, balancing my husband's severe issues.

In advocacy of speaking out, I will be occasionally placing guest's posts on here. I have placed a "Want Ad" on Facebook and other areas, asking for spouses, military members, family members who are dealing with PTSD, TBI or other issues that relate to guest post on this site. It will give me some down time I need, and more importantly, an opportunity for those who normally don't speak out...to do just that. Please welcome these posts just as warmly, lovingly and respectfully as you do mine each and every time. I want to be able to extend the opportunity I have had, and give some who need a place for their voice to be heard. This is a good opportunity for them to also test the waters on the world of blogging and I am always advocating for just that.

Guest posts, will be sent in for my review and scheduled for posting. I am not taking any posts that do not have something to do with PTSD or TBI, especially those who want to submit sales, pyramid schemes, sexual exploitation, or phony online sites. Those, I will not even consider or look at. It must be military related to these subjects no matter if it was non-combative or combat related as there are some families out there, where PTSD or TBI occurred in non-combat situations like Military Sexual Trauma. If you are a military member, family (especially mothers, caregivers that aren't spouses), or a spouse, I am looking for others to write. Please submit any writings to unclesamsmistress@rocketmail.com. With that said, all writings will be posted with permission and under name, created name or anonymous name for a little while to allow me some free time and recuperation.

In any writings, please remember that extremely graphic language, (some is inevitable as we are all military, ain't no going around that one!) and unnecessary hurtful things will not be accepted. I do not want to lose my reputation, integrity or tarnish Uncle Sam's Mistress in any way. I simply just want to give some who otherwise would not speak out, an opportunity to allow their voices to be heard. I will still be posting in my down time, I will be using these guest posts to fill the gaps.


If you email, it might take me some time to answer them. I always try to answer each and every one but here lately, the average is around 300 or more a week. Some weeks my family can encounter more than my email account will hold. It's not that I don't want to answer, but it would take a team of people or someone working full-time to answer each one. I appreciate each and every email and always take time to read them. However, with stress, family, surgeries and time ticking down to some big changes for my family....I may not be able to email each and every single one back all the time. Do know that every email is always read by me. Please know if I had more time, I would be able to answer them all but it has grown so much that it's impossible to answer them all.

I am very honored that my blog and that Uncle Sam's Mistress has been so readily accepted, recognized and loved by many, especially my military members. I think everyone knows I am trying to speak out as much as possible, as loudly as I can, for all of us. What is said to me is confidential (no one will have access to that) always taken with every ounce of respect and non-judgment, and I still stand by my motto of "What happens between us, stays between us".

I just think this Mistress needs a little bit of down time, time to get through necessary surgeries, and try to make it through this holiday season with out any major incidents like last year's. I would like to welcome those who have already submitted their posts and do know as I publish, I will be letting you know when they are up. For those who are interested, please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you all for pushing me on, rooting for me, and for giving me for fuel for the fight and the courage to keep going. Each and every friendship we have created, has meant the world to me. 

Counting Myself First For Once,

 

Are We To Blame?

I recently read an article where a retired military member talked about the variety of services that family members could utilize and that if they didn't use them, that it was essentially their fault. In other places, I have read that spouses often don't utilize their Family Support Groups, or Family Readiness Groups which is run by their command. If they don't utilize such programs put into place, again the fault lies on us. Always, such organizations like Military One Source, is the number one "go to person" that we all should lay our heavy burdens at their door. To be honest...all this pisses me off. I don't think its as simple as some military members say it is. If it were, we wouldn't be still searching for programs,speaking out, utilizing online programs and I would be running out of things to say in this blog! 

The issues that I have is, that yes, there are programs out there through the military and other outlets but some are flawed so badly that we don't use them for a reason. Military One Source turned us away on many occasions, and after giving it one more college try so to speak, we called again. Two hours later, their answer was "We are unable to help with Post Traumatic Stress or Traumatic Brain Injury because that is considered medical and not under our programs. Your option and our job is to refer you to the Veterans Affairs". We had been in the VA system for three years. Over the past two years, this very thing is what is leading many people to turn to online resources and internet support groups. Looking over the emails I get, sorting and filing for writing purposes; I have to wonder why so many of us are experiencing the same thing, yet they keep pushing it? I have to wonder why it is that this program or others are constantly shoved out there as our savior to all that goes wrong? We weren't even able to get family counseling and what they did offer my family, was child therapy at the other side of the state. At this time, I was barely making it to buy groceries, living off a small tiny portion of 900.00 a month that took us three years to get. So how did they think I was going to be able to utilize six free sessions on the other side of the state, which was almost six-seven hours for us?

Warrior Family Support Centers are not the haven of mercy to run to according to many many folks who write in. A common statement that I get in emails is "What do you do when the military says they will help you if you come forward, then turn you away?". Many have written in that yes, they willingly went on post to the Warrior Family Support Centers and were offered help in some shape form or fashion. However, in that same outreached hand of support the underlying threat of "If you seek help, you do understand this will be on your record and you will get a profile for mental health. If you get the help and you admit you are having issues, you will more than likely get removed from service, you will have to find a new job, you will lose your housing, your insurance...is this really what you want to do?" Many find they back away because if they are career military, what else is there out there when that is your current lifestyle? 

For an already messed up Veteran, this can cause them to back off when it probably took a good length of time just to get them to admit they need the help. The second issue that I see coming from all this, is wrong information being passed out such as usage and transfer of the GI Bill to spouses or children. For many, we are now learning that once the PEB starts...your GI Bill freezes and therefore unable to use it, transfer it etc. Many spouses and soldiers are hearing "don't worry about this until after medical board is finished" only to discover the one benefit you didn't think you had to fight for...is gone.

As one reader wrote that I thought summed it up very well was "the outreached hand of help smacks you pretty hard and it stings long after". I have to say I have wondered if we were Active component would it have been easier for us, but in truth if this was our entire life, I don't know what we would do. What if that is all we know and then suddenly PTSD took that all away? I have to wonder myself what we would have done. So is it best not to seek the help, but end up in worse shape than they already are in? It floors me why the military and the VA systems are still shocked that there are 18 suicides a day, and that's not counting the spouses who commit suicide. As of yet, that number is not being tracked.

Family Readiness Groups and Family Support are not always the best thing to say to turn to. Many are under educated, many don't want to be there but their husbands make them, have no resources and a bulk of them most spouses don't go to because many find that they are being judged. Many reported that Gossip is what keeps them from even attending the meetings, so why would they go and talk to the leaders for help? What people failed to realize is that FRG's and FSG's only can refer, not provide answers. I wish that they would make that statement more clear. I know this because I was a co-leader of our unit's Family Readiness Group and it used to make me so mad that we were not able to help our soldiers in the capacity that is needed. I was often reminded and smacked on the hand because I could not "provide help to one family or one soldier; it has to benefit the unit as a whole". This was the reason I left our Family Readiness Group. I felt too many were being turned away, and I refused to be one of them because I had been doing it on our own for a very long time. Some of these groups on post or off post are really wonderful with women or family members who are there because they want to be. Some groups are cohesive and work well together. Others do not work that way. I have to be honest to say, that before I came along in our FRG....the last place I would ever ever go to is our FRG. I believe that many good FRG/FSG leaders have found that our hands our tied when it comes to these situations by military rules. That is, of course, if they care enough about their position and their unit. I couldn't see why I had to turn away a soldier in times of need and help, but try to pacify them enough to sell them a cookie or unit t-shirt for an annual Christmas Party.

Utilizing the Commanders of units is also very difficult because you are plainly stating "Yep, I am not able to do my job under the guidelines you think I should be". In the last two years, I can't even count how many emails that Veterans have reported in that they went to their Command, and were either turned away, told that they would be removed from service, or their promotions would be turned down.  I honestly think that the smoke screen the military put up here recently is just that....a covering. In my hopeful heart, I would like to think that the higher ups who are supposed to be training, setting forth new programs and trying to make changes, are actually doing it. However, sometimes the hardest hurdles are having to jump the higher ranks in your units. Once you get past that, you must then utilize the military doctors. 

One reader made a powerful comment I felt was the Hallmark statement of how hard it is to get help. She said, "There is help, but who is the help serving? Even now I find myself questioning what the real intent is behind the "help".  "If it is to dot the i's and cross the t's....it is gonna fall short, if it is to look good for political reasons - that is just wrong, if it is to prevent liability....shame on the system that created this monster. I know each case is different, but in our family's situation I do feel and continue to feel that the liability concern comes first and the humanity comes second. I have a very, very, very, very hard time dealing with this."

She also commented further, "In our case, the Army docs had one agenda: are you deployable or not. Remove that agenda, and the opportunity for treatment changes". When she wrote that, I sat back in my chair and chewed on that for a minute. I was like wow, that is the truth in our lives. It all comes down to being usable or not. Our military members have become expendable with very little disregard to what becomes of them after they are deemed unworthy.For all those who root on the family who stayed behind and kept the home fires burning.....they don't remember us at all.

Some readers felt their best choices for any resources were through Army Community Services. Some reported that a Federal Recovery Coordinator, Army Wounded Transition Unit Caseworker, or Reserve Recovery Coordinators were as close as they could get. However, getting those is not the easiest especially for those of us whose issues did not appear until after they had been home. I know for us, it took four years for someone to decide a Reserve and Federal Recovery Coordinators would be beneficial for us. Then you have to play Russian Roulette because you do have some who is only there to collect a paycheck. One reader felt that the Army Community Services worked fairly well for them and the issues of PTSD. However, as she cautioned, not all of them are going to be that way and there is always the concern of information disclosed because it is Active Duty. She stated  in her experience that they had Counselors that didn't require appointments or even have to disclose your name. She felt in her experience, it was unusual but at least they were trying to work on breaking down the barriers and stigmas for families who were worried that their unit's Commanders would find out. 

Other than that, a bulk of emails state they have no one to depend on or to get help from anyone but themselves. I can relate to the point of doing it alone strongly, because for the past four years? I have had to depend on no one but ourselves. My issue is that if the military is going to spend all this time and tax dollars putting people into place to help, or create programs...why not stay on top of them to ensure that the job is done? Why not spend just a little more and ensure that our Veterans are getting the "all" that they gave them during their service? Why not go one step ahead and prepare those who are Commanding units? This Mistress wonders why they simply can't take the time they are using to make it look like they are doing something....and actually do something. I can say that our Commander, always sort of looked like the proverbial deer caught in a headlight, because I don't think he understood what we were going through.

I get so tired and frustrated when the blame goes back on the family members. They don't give you a PTSD 101 for Dummies, an Army Manual for Idiots on TBI, or even warn you about the problems our Veterans could experience later on. They kind of sugar coat it and make it sound not so bad. We are much better off than our brothers and sisters before us in Vietnam,Gulf War and, all those in between like Somalia. I sincerely believe its because we are all standing up now and talking about it. I for one, do not think the family members should carry the blame from any of the military or VA because it's not our fault. We can only do so much and we aren't trained professionals or doctors. The military says well you should have done this or that. Ok, so then what? You boot them out maybe with a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress (if not a diagnosis of Personality Disorder) or if they are lucky, a Traumatic Brain Injury but then merely pass the buck to the VA. Once there, its here are some meds, and then let's send them right back to the families. We take them back and its "here is another pill". We are already carrying much of the blame because as family, we never stop wondering what we could have done, changed and always wondering what wrongs we could have righted. Is it really fair to have someone say that it's our fault?

I know for one I am not in the wrong. I have spent the last four years fighting like hell to just get treatment, ensure that its the right treatment and trying to get the Army to fix their mistakes that caused all this hell we have been living in since he came home in 2007. I have been spending the last four years of screaming when no one heard me because they were deafened by others all while being enclosed in a box with very high walls. To go through all this, read all of your emails and hear your stories...then hear people who have the nerve to say "well, if you can't get help, you have no one to blame but yourself" really makes this woman mad. 

Personally, I got four years all in a notebook that states otherwise. Four years of scars, mental exhaustion, nails bore down to the quick from clawing my way out of the cracks we fell through and not much ahead of where we were four years ago. I wonder if those that make those comments of warning to our families and soldiers, clock out and go home and sleep peacefully at night. If they do, it must be nice....because I can guarantee for all of us? There is no such thing as clocking out. 

We didn't fail. They failed us.