Monday, June 21, 2010

Father's Day

Dear Husband,

I know your mother sometimes drives you crazy, but it's even worse for me. I try so very hard to seclude you from every possible hazard that you could find, and cushion you from getting irate over the smallest of things. What you don't realize is when you are rude, angry, and sometimes hateful....nothing is said to you. I get the brunt of the hurt feelings, anger, the unnecessary comments, and it just goes on and on with no ending. Two weeks from now, your mom will be bringing this subject up and not understanding why you hate her so much.  I will still be apologizing, and you will still be the way you are.

Father's Day is just one of those holidays like Christmas in her book, that we must be forced to come together and do things. She had good intentions and I also wanted to give you a nice Father's Day since this is the first one in a long time you have actually been interested in.  If you want to be angry with anyone, be angry with me as I am pretty used to it by now.

The pool you bought for the boys is great and will keep them occupied through the summer. It is inflatable and therefore not the sturdiest thing you could have bought them. Your oldest son, never being in an inflatable one, did not realize by leaning on the side that it would allow water to go out. He was simply trying to get his baby brother into the pool with help, so he would not be out there crying and irritating you. You facial expressions and shortness with us, made us all walk around yesterday like we were walking on egg shells.

I understand you have problems, and I understand sometimes things just set you off. There was no reason to lose your temper and go off on the entire family over a couple of gallons of water spilled on the ground. Crap happens especially with children. I know we must pay for water, but there is no difference in your exorbitant spending. Seriously though? Was an inflatable pool really the problem and the loss of the water that important enough to literally blow your top?

Fussing and going off can be tolerable, but there is no excuse in your cursing and screaming. We aren't deaf, and it was humiliating to me to see you yelling at us like dogs, especially when our dear friend and neighbor was outside and could hear you. You made all three boys cry. I know you apologized to me late last night, but think you must apologize to our oldest, your middle child, and to your mother.  The baby would not even come to you this morning if that gives you any idea how bad you were yesterday. Your mom left upset, hurt and you should know by now she just doesn't understand what is wrong with you.

Now the kids do not want to get into the pool that you bought for them for their birthday. I love you, I take care of you...but am really tired of cleaning up your messes you leave with the entire family. I am tired of making excuses for you, apologizing profusely, and making up with our children because you upset and scared them once again. I am tired of missing out on family events, holidays and my children asking me why we can't do such things.

Just had to write this since you didn't seem like you were much in a talking mood and my talking to you would have been a mute point anyway. I guess next year we will not celebrate Father's Day like so many other holidays we have been forced to cancel.

Your wife and three boys


  1. Awesome post, as usual you hit home every time.

    I have a question. At what age will you (or did you) tell the boys their father has a disability? I ask because I have an eight-year-old stepson who doesn't understand why he can't have friends over, and dad doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.

    He's not my kid (he doesn't like me and that's fine) but I just want to scream at my husband to at least try to explain something - anything to help this kid realize what's going on.

    I'm at a loss, it's so frustrating I dread every weekend as that's when he comes to our house and does nothing but sit in front of the TV the entire time with on one to play with, not even his dad :(

  2. Egads D!! Well, in our case, my oldest was 10 by the time my husband got back. My oldest knew there was something wrong with my husband as soon as he got home.I have educated him and explained some more once we knew. However, to this day he still has problems comprehending it. We run into the same with my two and four year old. I get bombarded with why why why, and I don't know how to tell them except that daddy is sick so they understand. As long as I do everything myself and play, or take them places...they are ok but that's because of their age right now. I am running into resentment issues with my oldest and mostly because before we had a diagnosis, he just saw dad going off, flipping out and taking most of it out on his mom. He is very defensive when it comes to me and had no problems standing in with dad if he went overboard on me. My four year has gotten to say "yeah right-dad don't do nothing". It's hard because I know how you feel, even with a child that doesn't get along with you. My oldest can't go over to a buddy's house either because my husband's paranoia makes it impossible. Coming here is a HUGE no-no because my husband can barely tolerate our kids w/o episodes every day. I feel I am constantly trying to make up to all three of them due to my husband which makes me resentful too. My husband occasionally recognizes he doesn't do anything for the boys, so he buys things like the inflatable pool or a remote control plane. When he is "somewhat normal" he claims it's because he never got any of these items when he was a kid. Maybe so, but the kids want to throw ball with dad not mom. Or be able to go places, just go out to eat, or Chuckey Cheese's without dad flipping out. We haven't been to a movie unless someone else takes them. Last movie I saw was "Cars" when it came out four years ago. My middle son knows even at 4 that things set dad off, and some days I swear he does it intentionally just to get attention from dad. Shame.

  3. If your step-son is eight, I would say this would be a good time to approach the subject of PTSD/TBI. I am sure he comprehends the same with children in his school who are physically or mentally handicapped. I would say veterans with PTSD/TBI are somewhat challenged wouldn't you? I would see if you could take him out D somewhere to eat and just chat. Maybe you have pictures of his dad in the hospital and you could show him like I did mine. I know you say he hates you, but I think it's because you are not "mom" and he may feel since he is with you, you are holding dad back. Sounds like to me, you are is there, and dad isn't doing anything. Animosity breeds contempt and he may hold you responsible for his father and lack of doing things. If you can't take him out somewhere, the three of you sit down and talk to him. Having B there might ease him and understand that the evil step mom is not full of crap either. I am sure though he has seen changes in his dad and is well aware that something is wrong. Children are smart and we don't give them much credit for being so intuitive. I would say ya'll make plans to talk to him and explain the real reasons what's wrong with dad. This is a good time for B to tell his son that if he would like to do something, and he is not about letting you take him? Let dad broach the subject with him about you. Find a common ground to build a relationship with him. Is there something really really cool he likes to do such as baseball, movies music, etc? Maybe you could find that common link and let B say hey, she got these tickets and although I can't go....I wondered if you would like to go for me? This is when the military would write a child's book or pre-teen book for this situations. I mean how do you tell children this stuff and they really comprehend it? It took my four year old to scream at my husband and tell him that he had "mad camel disease" for mine to even realize how he was treating them. Don't overload him, but you can start at the beginning and break it down to his level. No need in a bunch of medical terms, just explain what sets him off...what in crowds can't he stand? Your husband has a severe case of TBI compared to mine, so I don't know what Bill is capable of telling him. This would be a good time for "mom" to sit in with all of you and talk about it. She is just as much responsible for educating him and should have already. It's not entirely left up to you D and it shouldn't be that way. I hope this helps you some. <3

  4. I am going to take your wonderful advice. First of all I am going to make a Blog Post so I can organize my thoughts and have my lovely bloggy friends give me feedback.

    You're awesome.

  5. Nah on the awesomeness!! hahaha! I think that is a great idea! I was going to write about talking to kids too!! I will write something else...I try to keep up with you so I am not mirroring your ideas! lol The last thing you need is a mil spouse stalking your blog ideas!!!! I bet the others will have good sound advice too. Always here if ya need me day we will have to have that drink..or seven.


I Would Love to Hear From Ya'll!