Monday, June 14, 2010

Bullet Proof

So the past few days haven't been that bad, but I am awfully ashamed of myself. A few days ago I blew up on my husband for being late when I needed him home. He went out at 9:20 in the morning, and just didn't show back up until late that evening around 9. He sincerely looked baffled at my being upset and I wasn't sure why I was that angry. I mean hell, its not like I am not used to him being gone. I had gone to the doctor last week, and she put me on more medications. Not sure which one it was, but something has  made me ill all week. The night he was gone, I was violently sick to my stomach and trying to keep up with my three boys. I started to fix supper and just could not finish. My little ones kept saying "mommy I wanna eat done? You done? I'm hungry". All while I am praising the porcelain throne in our bathroom. I know they didn't understand. I called my husband once, again, and again with no answer or call back. I text-ed and said I am really really sick, please call. Nothing. When he finally got home, I just blew up.

I feel ashamed of myself for allowing myself to get that upset and when I talked to him.....I just let a whole lot of anger out and issues to flood him. He told me he didn't mean to be gone that long, nor is he trying to stay away but it feels that way to me. How else would anyone feel if this was done to them? I told him I have just had enough and I have. He said he loved me....I said I don't think he shows it at all and no matter what he said to me....wasn't going to make me feel any different.

So the past few days, he has done nothing but kiss my butt and do everything for me. Now I feel even more ashamed because well, I yelled him into doing it. Now he is doing things for me, and I don't want it. I guess what I am saying is, I don't want to have to have a breakdown and cry hence giving him the reason to suddenly stay home, help with the kids, help around the house and spend time with me.  It's like I guilt tripped him into and then when he is doing it, it makes me even more angry because then I feel he doesn't want to....he is just doing it because I got angry and yelled. He will do this for a few days and get a lot of hopes up and then drop and stomp them when he disappears again.

It's like you can't win or lose here. I should be grateful that I had this little bit of time and grateful that I didn't have to give the kids a bath because he did it. I should enjoy the fact that we ALL had a family dinner without the boys playing a game of "Where's Daddy?". We sat and chitchatted a little about the day and the little one's upcoming birthdays this month, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. However, in the back of my mind I am thinking, tomorrow will come and it will all go back to the same way. It's like a bad cock tease as some of the men refer to. I get a little bit of a tease of my normal husband and then when it all goes back to the same routine, I get even more angry. My kids enjoy that he is home and laughing with them or playing in the yard, running around and chasing them. The next two weeks I am left with trying to make excuses and making up for his absence once again. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know if my heart can take anymore disappointment.

Is it better to say anything at all about the way I feel and get the attention for a short bit? Or is it better to safe guard my heart and my children, and not say anything at all.  Most days like this, I feel numb and it's like I am on the outside looking in. I feel I have a right to say, what you are doing hurts me. On the other hand, I feel like I should not say anything at all because that leads to more disappointment. I don't know who hurts who more, my husband or myself because I am trying to make myself bullet proof.

Not yet Bullet Proof,
Uncle Sam's Mistress

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