Dog Days of Summer

I am so sorry I have been a way for a while. Seemed like so much exploded at one time, that I didn't know if I was coming or going anymore! To get back into the swing of things, as many of you emailed stating you were sending out search parties, I am still alive and trying to play catch up! Hahah! I would first like to say a huge THANK YOU to "Brittany" who created my badge you all can copy and for my new header at the top of my site. She has also reconnected my FB page and resource feed, in which many have told me my old one was not working. I think it looks great! So what's been going on? Waaay too much. Since my last post, I told you we had a Recovery Care Coordinator who has worked sincerely hard to get my husband where he needed to be. So far, we now officially have two Line of Duty injury forms and awaiting more to be approved.

I just cried when the Commander of my husband's unit called last week and said he had received, signed and sent them back. It was a little bit of closure for my husband and of course, much more closure for me. I have been fighting so long, I am not sure what else to do now as most of our issues are being addressed by several people. I know fighting will still be part of the whole process, but I am in unfamiliar territory and that part scares me some. I keep hanging on to the thread that the big man upstairs has plans for me, and is guiding me. I questioned it yesterday on a trip to town while combating the rambling thoughts that entered my mind as I drove. Then I passed a sign that said "There are no such things as coincidences, only God being anonymous". I am not overly religious but do believe there are signs that appear when we need them most and possibly this is one of them. Corny sounding I know...but hey, it just made sense that sign was there yesterday when I have made that same drive and never saw it before.

So other than waiting in a standoff with the military over pretty much everything, The mistress has had some health problems. I probably should be, in all honesty, be the poster child of "Stress Kills" and my heart has been acting a little goofy. I haven't been feeling good for a long time and just haven't been able to get to the doctor and when I did...seemed like they would only treat the symptoms, not the root of the problems. I am trying to disregard the building worry that's buried inside my stomach, as it may be nothing but tons of stress. I did find out that I would have to have surgery on my left leg this year, and follow in my husband's footsteps by getting a C-Pap machine. Nothing is sexier in the bedroom than matching bedside C-paps! I told my husband now we can bump Darth Vadar masks together at night and he can make fun of me for a change! Won't know much until I have all these heart tests done and of course, I am having to wait. I learned quite a while back that the military and the VA system has totally burned the patience bridge many years ago. Between all the testing, the military, the VA and dealing with family...it's been all over the map for me as of late! So under orders of rest, relax, calm down and keep the legs elevated. Under more medications, but that's ok and I have an awesome Cardiologist!

So now on to some AWESOME news, and one I haven't shared with many people as of yet due to concerns over jinxing our plans if we spoke too soon (yes, this has happened-call me Mrs. Gun Shy). We had previously applied through Puppies Behind Bars program for a service dog last year as many may recall only to get denied due to my husband not being a "strong enough candidate". We bombarded them with tons of reference letters speaking on our behalf and had all of our paperwork in place, but just didn't work out. So after January when the bottom fell out on my husband, I realized maybe we should try again but didn't know where to start. Through a fellow blogger, Gina Hill, I was put in touch with Penny's From Heaven Foundation and man oh man...knew I was speaking to some genuine caring individuals who put the warrior's concerns and health first, than concentrating on finding out what they did in Iraq or Afghanistan.

After a few weeks of talking, an application which wasn't scary and many many phone calls with the director of the TADSAW program (Train a Dog Save a Warrior) they had us approved and choosing the perfect "battle buddy" for my husband. The TADSAW program saves dogs from shelters and off the streets, and trains them to help others in many different ways. I was first drawn to Penny's from Heaven because of this ideal method of getting animals into service work as we have many many animals in shelters across the US simply thrown away. We adopted "Taco" our Chihuahua from someone who was going to take him to the pound if she couldn't find a home for him, and he turned out to be the best thing in the world for me! So after some choices on which dog would be best for my husband, the strong silent type.....it was decided that we would be getting.....

Gunny

Gunny, like Uncle Sam's Mistress and my husband, has an interesting story and is a fighter. I don't believe that anyone in the world could have paired up a more perfect animal with a family, than PSFH did. This particularly handsome devil had an expiration date with the euthanization chamber and was rescued by Patsy Swendson, founder of the foundation. After a bit, he became very ill with distemper and after tons of love, prayers and a whopping vet bill, Gunny was cleared 100% for the duty of love, work and play! He is a fighter like we are, and I have to tell you dear readers....when we first got the pictures of Gunny (Or Gunny Sarge as my children lovingly refer to him as), it was like "Oh there you are! Yep...that is definitely you!". My husband was ready to go to TX months ago, but they still had some training for Gunny to do.

I don't know much about service dogs for PTSD or for any type of mental or physical handicaps. This is one area that I had to admit, the Mistress is just now diving in to looking up information. I do know some soldiers who have one, some veterans that swear by them, and spouses who wholeheartedly agree with all of it. I do know that animals have a keen sense of intuition and my beloved Sam, whom we lost this year, was proof to the healing powers that animals have. "Gunny" will be joining our family on August 12th, in which we are very excited about! More importantly, its been a HUGE difference here at home with my husband. He has been talking about trying this place or that, and well......just has hope. We leave for San Antonio, TX for three weeks to train with my husband's service dog. I will be writing much about this because there are several reasons other than just saving an animal to help save a warrior. The thing that caught Uncle Sam's Mistress's attention, was the fact they took the time to get to know us as a family, each as individuals, our personalities, our faults, our mistakes, our victories and what we have learned, and well...just took the time to find out how we were doing. I know applications are important, but how can you really really learn about someone in a few questions and some paragraphs? 

 I really like the fact that they have bent over backwards for us and was able to help secure funding for travel, food, and anything else they could think of. More importantly, they have become a part of our family and that's what makes them stand out in my opinion. While there are many service dog organizations out there, I think I have to say I am biased because they took such great care in not only planning, choosing, and making sure we were a good choice to be awarded a service dog but making sure they knew who we were.

I know I can be often long winded, and detailed...so today due to time constraints and three bickering kids, I will let you connect to the link and check it out. I promise if you are in need of some hope, some help, and have the will and drive to work with a service animal.....five dollars says there is a dog waiting for you somewhere. You can check out Penny's From Heaven and all that they have done here. They are open to any and ALL Veterans so no need to worry about applying my Vietnam and Gulf War Brothers!

I will write more later but wanted to thank everyone who sent concerned emails about my absence. We just have had so much to get done before I leave with my husband next week, and the time is just slipping away! I will try to be a little more attentive to my blog as I know I have been slacking a little with it. Hey, never said I was super woman although some days I sure could use the flying cape!

Until Another Day, 

Family, Friends and the Army

I woke up in a funky mood this morning. Stayed up too late again and so I begin my coffee drip through IV while writing this. Lot of thoughts rolling around this mind of mine last night and for the life of me, just could not clear it to go to sleep! I guess I was trying to think of a new post I could add here as nothing as been worthy enough around the house or with my husband to write something interesting about. So I decided a topic I haven't discussed is family, friends and the Army.........

I get a lot of comments that family and friends just don't understand. I completely understand that and can empathize. I don't have much family left on my side at all, so I am not really having to worry about them as much as I should I guess. My side of the family went through the Vietnam War and my uncles all passed away due to Agent Orange related cancers. I don't remember them ever exhibiting signs of PTSD but do remember them as alcoholics for as long as I could remember them. One was heavily into prescription drugs and my dad used to complain about how that was the coward way out. It probably was, but after knowing what I know now...it could be possible that my uncles had some serious issues. I don't have any relatives on my mother's side and after she passed away, that was it.

My grandmother on my dad's side never made it past the 6th grade of school and married young. Had quite a few children which her world revolved around and from the hills of TN, she really didn't experience much as far as gaining worldly knowledge. Her world revolves now around who is sick, how she is the sickest of them all because she has the same thing you had, and what you had for supper. I love her, but I find her to be so sheltered within that Tennessee mountain life that such things as PTSD just means they are "crazier than an outhouse rat". That is after you can get her to past the four letter word, PTSD, which you must repeat incessantly.

When questioned about my husband and his issues, VA disability and so forth...it's suddenly like I am some circus freak standing on the stage alone and facing these onlookers who are shocked that I could say something like PTSD. I know portions of it is due to ignorance on the subject, but it embarrasses me.  I suddenly get embarrassed for/of my husband, myself and well, let's just say we no longer talk about that subject. The question of "so is he just going crazy?" Uhhhhh no. I could rattle off a whole lot of terms and definitions, but they still look at it as being a mental case. It disappointed me so badly, that I don't go home very much to see whats left of my family because the ones who do, really don't know me that well nor do they even try to understand what I am going through. I feel guilty about being embarrassed and it shames me to even admit that I am....but I guess anyone having to deal with all this would feel the same way.

My husband's side of the family is in a totally different world of their own. We don't have much to do with any of them except maybe once a year at Christmas. You know, the whole "let's plaster a fake smile, give hugs and kisses and tell each other how much we love you" kind of deals. I walk away and think well, if you loved us so damn much why don't you call us other than at Christmas? My Mother in law doesn't fully comprehend my husband's issues and most of the time, thinks that its all me. She doesn't get why he does the things he does, nor does she help us with anything in regards to PTSD or TBI. I sometimes resent that because it is her son and she lives in this fairy tale world that one day he will "get over it".

Friends we have none left. Now sure I know plenty of active duty wives online which has been wonderful, but literally all my friends live inside my computer. Wow, Is that really hard to admit. What few friends we had as a couple have taken a run for the hills due to my husband and their lack of loyalty. I say that because had the situation been reversed, I can honestly say I would have stuck by my friend in her times of need regardless of her husband. I guess sometimes in life you just learn that some people still haven't learned the value of friendship or what loyalty means. We have a mutual friend together who has stuck by both of us, but really I don't have anyone I can just pick up the phone and say, "You know what? I want to run away and scream bloody damn murder and join the circus!".  I don't know anyone near here at all that I could befriend that would understand besides the few I have met here online. Most of all, I don't have anyone to say "yeah I know...what time's the train leaving? Meet ya there."

The Army. (sigh) Now most of my soldiers in our unit know I am very outspoken about PTSD although they really look at me like I should not say things out loud. When at training opportunities sponsored by the Army, I sometimes challenge those who talk about PTSD by asking questions. Now I don't know if they just go to these things casually thinking that no one will ever ask or challenge their resources, but they sure as hell do a lot of back peddling. I know the Army is trying to push PTSD and TBI now a little more and they pretty much have to. With the rate of suicides and issues that have come out in the past such as the Ft. Hood incident, they have no choice but to focus on these topics. I just sometimes get frustrated because as an FRG leader and as a spouse, the resources given to me have not worked nor are they there for us to utilize. I can go up before my unit of 200 men and women and stress the importance of PTSD and TBI screenings, but all I get is this blank looks and you hear crickets in the background.

I don't get why the military placed such a stigma on our guys and then expect a few articles or a few resources is suddenly going to correct years and years of sweeping it under the rug. I want so badly to put my faith in the military and boy, do I ever bleed red, white and blue. Just sometimes Uncle Sam and the Army disappoints me so badly that I lose my faith and trust in both. It's a shame and now that I see more and more of the "new" Army trying to fix past mistakes, I think to myself, "can you ever go back and wipe the slate clean?". The VA has some good workers who care and, then you have some who don't. I know my husband mentioned to me one time he was embarrassed to admit he has PTSD and TBI. Why? Why should our veterans feel this way or be looked upon as if they are any minute, going to go insane and start shooting? Having a VA worker make a comment like "so you weren't injured, you just have mental problems?" Just? Must be nice to sit behind that desk of yours and make an assumption such as that when you haven't served nor seen anything traumatic. I hear remarks that are degrading such as that. Some like "so he couldn't hack being over there huh?" or "Man, I didn't have any problems when I came back home". These coming from two men who never had to carry their weapon, sat behind a desk in Kuwait and pushed papers all day. Well, I am sincerely happy for them and I make sure I tell them that. However, I am quick to remind them that even they aren't safe from PTSD symptoms and I know several who just got on the plane, never saw any action and still had problems.

I guess I am just rambling. Some days I feel really really isolated. It's probably because I live out here in the middle of cow pastures and mountains, but really alone in dealing with all this. It's so frustrating and hurtful when everywhere you turn thinking "they are family" or "she is my best friend" and they turn their back on you. When you go before the Army and have to fight to get help or plead that we need more resources and get told you need to go back and concentrate on baking cookies for an FRG bake sale...it's somewhat defeating. I remember when my husband re-upped and how proud he was to serve. I know he was saddened by the thought of leaving us for Iraq, but man did he go proudly. He didn't balk, or run out on the Army.....I just wish sometimes the military would repay that favor in return.

I know we are in a category of our own as spouses of Combat PTSD veterans and some things will never change....but it doesn't mean we can't occasionally fuss about it right? I know that the VA Department of Veteran's Affairs has "re-tweeted" me, so they are reading what I write. Good, I hope they see that the system is failing us and that we are virtually alone. We are essentially segregated from the military, are families and our friends. I just want one day to stand and say "My husband has PTSD" without looks, maybe someone standing up and saying "mine too" and the Army says "Hey, I got your back". Not too much to ask for is it? Eh, it gives me something to go on when days are really yucky and that's all that matters.

Living Alone with PTSD and TBI,